The Ripped Soul

**for VERENA :

manger
n : a container (usually in a barn or stable) from which cattle or horses feed [syn: trough]


manger
(Luke 2:7, 12, 16), the name (Gr. phatne, rendered "stall" in Luke 13:15) givento the place where the infant Redeemer was laid. It seems to have been a stallor crib for feeding cattle. Stables and mangers in our modern sense were inancient times unknown in the East. The word here properly denotes "the ledge orprojection in the end of the room used as a stall on which the hay or other foodof the animals of travellers was placed." (See INN.)


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I went for the perfomance at SMU's auditorium today with Verena and her mom to show our support for Dawn and her band which would be performing the song "Sway". Wasn't really THAT bad lah, huh. Let's say I've seen worse. There were other musical performances as well which needed to be graded, so when Verena and I looked at the cards, we were like "okay. we'll give a one, one, one, one for all the bands before Dawn, 5IVE for Dawn, one, one, one for the rest." LOL How evil could we get?


It was a joke anyway. In the end, we just graded all of them accordingly.


Okay. Just a brief description of how Dawn's performance was; it was very nicely done. I won't say she can't sing - she could. Better than most of them I find. It was just the diction problem. And she could bloody perform! Seriously! She was like dancing all over the place like as if the stage was her playground. And when she sang the word "sway", she literally swayed to the beat! Awesome. At least that kept me entertained.. unlike the rest who were COMPLETE bores. Standstills. Statues, might as well say. And since it was somesort of her first "OFFICIAL" performance.. she did well. To be honest - a 4.5 out of 5. I'll give her that much of credit. Its just diction problems. (:


Back to the rest who couldn't really make it.


Some girls had the looks but couldn't sing for nuts, some girls could sing but were too nervous until they sounded like frogs croaking out the song, some girls looked like they just didn't have any talent for singing at all. Most of them lacked the X factor. So many looked like they were karaoke singers. Tsk.


Its really easy to hear if they can make it. Just get them to sing "yeahhh..." like how all really good rnb singers do. If they're unable to bring the note up and down and tremble at the right time, they're karaoke singers. And to be honest, only one or two from the whole lot could sing. The rest were either boring, dull, CMI, or well, sucked at their diction.


Still, as bad as they were, I feel they all deserve credit for having the guts to perform on stage and not back out halfway. 3 cheers for courage!


Wonder what the next Singapore Idol season would be like. Maybe fiercer competition. Looking at the odds. That singer from OLPS.. this one from SMU. Then there was that SFX soloist.. God.


The musicians in the performances were awesome though. Like, that lady who played the piano? Grace? She's good. And she should only stick to piano, or that's how we all felt. When she sang 'Because of you' .. I was trying to stop laughing when Na passed me her comments. Madness. Then... there was that drummer who played in Contraband [Dawn's band] .....AWESOME fella. Never seen anything like that. He even pulled off better than a Clifford-on-drums! THAT GOOD. Seriously!


Then yeah. They had special guests performances by this couple who were their teachers I reckon. And someone else who had the same surname as Jacintha Abishgenadan - Mr. Alex Abishgenadan. Or something like that. However its spelled. My apologies for any errors made. Verena and I were wondering if that was her dad or something. I just thought of my dad when I saw him on stage. He wanted my name to be Jacintha because of that female Singaporean singer, you know? LOL It was my mom who objected and decided "Jessica" since my dad's name is "Jesse". (:


So yes. that's the story of my life. LOL


Then yeah.. after the performance, I felt SO damn giddy. Think I sat down for too long or something. Crazy. Nearly fell on the steps whilst walking. Then walked out, and Verena's mom brought us out for lunch. Went Korean today. Nice simple BBQ FISH. **ANDREA: I WANT BBQ FISH! So bloody nice.


Then followed Verena around for some errand running. I was trying to give her ideas on NOT to spend money on the props and stuff for "A NIGHT IN BETHLEHEM".. but instead get it from junk that lie along the paths.


Anyone know how to build a stable? Please leave contacts in tagboard. Thanks.


Then I dropped off with only ONE duty. I have to practice burning edges of REALLY tough paper, to give it this burnt, oldish kinda look. But I was thinking right,


if it was CAESAR Augustus giving out the Decree or something.. then shouldn't it be a "GRAND" kind of touch to it? Like ALOT of gold all over the place or something. But oh well. Maybe she's got the idea that its just a scroll or something. Bah. Humbug. Whatever.


EXAM THIS MONDAY! Ahhhhhh......


Hmmm.


You know, I was thinking about what my mom said. Or well, what everyone is saying. About what the GREAT Jess is going to do with her life once she's done with N's. I know its not the "Mainstream" I'm taking. Like, go to sec 5, do O's, study hard, pass, go to poly, succeed in poly, get a good life when you're done. Sounds perfect, right? Mainstreams.


So what happens if along the mainstream, you suddenly decide to take a slightly different route which could affect your life?


I had thoughts of working after my N's. But how far can I succeed with just a stupid N level cert? And its not like as if I sound like Christina Augilera or Britney Spears - so my singing career? I don't know if I'm THAT good enough to let it take me somewhere. Yes, I have dreams of being a star, but dreaming is one thing, and making it happen is another. In addition, SINGAPORE. I mean, LOOK. When I was with Verena in the bus just now, she was telling me about this singer, Kit Chan or something.. and I didn't even know who she was! The worst part? She's not singing for some album or something to make her famous. SHE's SINGING FOR SOME SEA GAMES THING. Oh God. Music industry here just sucks lah, lets face it. Even that Parking Lot Pimp or Electrico.... people look good, but do they make the cut?


Whatever it is, the point is.. I don't wanna go to sec 5, do my O's. WHY? Cos this damn school of mine is a PAIN in the F**KING ASS! How can anyone tolerate a VIOLATION of one's privacy? Could you? Someone read, not happy, then fuck here, fuck there, kpkb all over the place. FUCK THEM. Then they tell me to do something about it. Remove it. HOW DO I DO THAT WHEN ITS NOT IN MY CONTROL? And to change school just for ONE stupid year, its crazy lah. End up failing - also go to the same place. ITE. SHATEC. Whatever.


So okay. Then where am I going to go when I'm done with N's?


ITE? Its the End? No. Maybe it might spark a new beginning. But I find it stupid. All I'll get is a STUPID CERTIFICATE at the end. And I still must go further. Poly... Uni.. to get a damned diploma or degree.


SHATEC? I want. So badly. DIPLOMA - straight. Nothing less to it. Diploma in culinary skills. But mom says - NO! Why? Too expensive. And the GOVT won't subsidise nuts. Worse thing? It doesn't work like a poly where I can get my own bus pass. I use an adult EZ-Link card - just like all the other adults. And fares on buses will be so f**king expensive. Maybe I should just be like Benny and cycle all over the place. Lose weight, free transportation. LOL


Work? Very sensitive subject because it involves money. When I talked to my mom about it, she said, Okay. you work. YOUR MONEY-YOUR OWN FOOD-YOUR OWN BILLS-YOUR OWN CLOTHES-YOUR OWN EXPENSES. Nothing will be under her anymore. And when I work, part of the salary is given to her to pay the bills. What the fuck.


Then well, there's always that black despondency. Did it once, do it again? How bad could it get, right? If I succeed, I got nothing to worry about. If I don't, I'll try and try again?


Sigh.... life and its complications. I hate making complicating decisions.