So many things were so wrong about the Batam trip. Maybe I’ll make a list.

1. I was still pissed off about the night before when we watched Underworld.
   
   We got into a heated argument because she wanted me to go collect her passion card so we could get cheaper tickets. I clearly stated in the message that I would be going back to bed to have a nap. Boom, she calls me over and over and sends texts asking me to go down and meet her so she can hand the card over. I told her to stop calling. Told her that I didn’t even agree to meet her downstairs. And she goes on non stop about me not saying that I didn’t even say that I wasn’t going to meet her. (Exactly the point, by the way. If I DID agree to meet, then it’s a different story because I’d be an asshole, but I didn’t say JACK SHIT except that I was going back to bed and to wake me up when September ends.)
   
2. Lack of sleep the night before.
3. She realized the wrong route the taxi driver was taking.
   
4. “Why isn’t Kiji here?” and the answer to that question.
   
   him: “why isn’t Kiji here? Why can’t he come?”
   her: “because he’s already been to batam. Plus if he comes along then where is Jess going to sleep?”
   
   Yeah, I totally felt like a problem.
   
5. When Joce wouldn’t let go of the fact that we all lied to her about the trip being to Genting instead of Batam.
   
   Note to self: next time, just SHOVE every fucking fact in her face. Surprise? What surprise? JOCE, we’re going to buy you a fucking cake. WATCH AS WE BUY YOUR CAKE. Joce, we’re going to BATAM since you keep fussing about wanting to go there. JOCE, we’re going to eat at A&W since you ALWAYS bug us about it. There you go! Surprise. Happy now? Stupid fucking cunt.
   
6. When she wouldn’t accept that it was supposed to be a SURPRISE.
7. 1/2 day tour in Batam that we didn’t sign up for.
8. Need for use of a proper toilet and I have a person looking at me all funny before I entered the cubicle. WTF
9. Battling the infection when it was at its worst.
10. A&W and almost getting caught for stealing the mugs.
11. Walking out and holding a LIT cigarette in the air-conditioned mall. Everyone was staring.
12. Taxi driver that took us to the wrong place and when he got pissed over it. Ended up paying double the original amount when in agreement on the rate.
13. Checking in late. No welcome drink plus we had to deal with the angry taxi driver because he was telling EVERYONE about what happened, from the bell boy to the doorman to the security guard. A front desk staff had to help us settle everything.
    
    PS: Note to self - there are 2 different locations. Harris Hotel is Harris HOTEL. Harris resort is Harris RESORT. They’re different. They’re 30 minutes apart from each other. They’re also Rp100 000 different apart. Fuck.
    
14. MEGAMALL. Wanted to buy myself a Simpsons tshirt, but I lacked the funds after forking out for cab fares and their stuff they wanted to get. And call me proud all you want, but I didn’t want her paying for me.
15. Trying to distract her so we could buy the stupid birthday cake at Breadtalk without her noticing.
    
    Story about why the CAKE is so important. On her birthday itself, we couldn’t get her a proper cake in time. Kiji bought her a slice of blackforest cake from Hans. Sherlyn bought her a slice of cake from Starbucks.
    
    At Wayne’s grandmother’s house, where she kept saying they had a cake for her, she was only given a slice of a cake that wasn’t even meant for her birthday celebration. The slice of cake was from his grandmother’s birthday cake. And it was given to Joce. A leftover slice of cake for the birthday girl. Sad, no? What’s worse is she kept on BUGGING us about the cake ever since her birthday. And the one day when we decide to surprise her hardcore, she keeps trying to FUCK it up.
    
16. Asking Wayne to take her with him to go change money and she came back before we could finish paying up.
17. Having need to distract her away from the cake and the payment again so I had to drag her down to the Supermarket long enough till they were done with paying and hiding the cake.
18. Her needing us to open the door of our room when it was in the process of being decorated for the party. Balloons everywhere, our room in a fucking mess…
19. The minibar fridge leaking. Lucky Lyn saved the cake before it got damaged.
20. When the candle on the Harris cake blew out as we went to their room.
21. Wayne needing to distract her and he came back before we could finish.
22. Mind you, it was a mere 2-man show for everything.
    
    The decorations, the dressing up, cleaning up.. it was last minute ideas, last minute plans, blowing 40 over balloons, setting the place right with proper ambiance and everything.
    
23. Swimming and there were birds/bats/IDK flying right by us in the pool.
24. Lyn losing her 2 packs + the lighter.
25. When he had the balls to tell me “you wanna order room service? I can always sign first then you can pay me back later.” PAY YOU BACK? Motherfucker, you still owe me $30 from last year!
26. The yogurt I bought from the supermarket was spoiled. :(
27. Almost choked on lamb chop because it was raw.
28. In the middle of the night and I couldn’t sleep because every tiny thing was waking me up. Clicking of the light, someone closing a door, insects on the ceiling..
    
29. Breakfast and she had to open her fucking mouth and say “still make me find for you cranberry juice at the suuuuupermarket!”
    
    She just had to say thank you for the wonderful surprise. That was all she had to say. Not be motherfucking ungrateful about it. Not make me be a bad person when I have been planning this with Sherlyn since LAST year.
    
30. When I snapped back that I was the bad person in all of this and NO ONE said anything. Yeah, he was there, and Sherlyn was sitting right next to me. And no one said anything in my defense. The table was just silent.
    Thanks friends.
    
31. Indonesian massage and when the masseuse went out after.. she was talking about me, pretty sure of it. Yeah, I was an idiot about it. Didn’t know how to wear the sarong (if I was supposed to wear the sarong) and she wanted me to remove all my clothes…. super awkward.

Other than that, it was pretty awesome. Also, didn’t know how much of a giant I actually resembled until after I saw the pictures taken with my best friend’s camera.

Oh well.

Also, another thing about me; don’t “pay” me back to shut me up. Like the Underworld case? When you have clearly PISSED me off, don’t tell me “the ticket’s on me. Don’t get angry, k?”

It makes me feel… bought.

I hate feeling bought. Like I can’t buy or afford something on my own and I have to rely on your pittance.

Fuck you and fuck that shit.

which of the 7 sins do you fall into? (wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony)

Hmm.. Wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy and gluttony. My, my. I find myself in all of them except greed and gluttony. But I can control my anger, since I would try my hardest not to hurt someone, so wrath's out. Sloth, well.. I'm pretty much idle these days. My friends are either working or travelling, but I'm here doing simple things and playing games. But I know myself that when I work, I put just about everything I got into it. So sloth, is pretty much out of the question too. Pride.. I remember this one time at a sports event when I had to run a relay race and play for the floorball team. I won the relay, but lost the floorball semis and it pissed me off because I knew I was good. A friend of mine came running over to me to say it was a good match, a good game, but I was too "proud." I shot her back in the face saying it's fine, because I still had my medal from the relay. Not exactly one of my proudest moments, and I'm usually not very proud.. so if someone wanted to shoot me with the sin of pride, that would be one event in my life I would gladly take back. She didn't deserve it, and I know that I'll somehow never forgive myself for it. Lust... who doesn't? See a hot guy, see a hot girl, we all go crazy, no? Start fantasizing and what not. But truth of it is as much as I may fantasize or go "wild" when seeing someone really good looking, I respect people for who they are. So lust is out, too. Envy.. we all get envious when people get better things than us, right? You have a $5 bag, your friend has a Gucci wallet and starts bragging about it.. envy, no? I feel envious almost 80% of the time. People have much better lives compared to myself or other people that I know, but they still complain about everything. But I would never act on the feeling. I wouldn't steal or hurt someone to satisfy my envy. So there you have it!

Say something. Ask anything!

This is how it always starts.

I'm going out on Good Friday. I need to pass Joce her bag that she left behind when she came by the other day.

And Maundy Thursday? No, I'm not going to church either. I already told you, I've skipped Ash Wednesday, definitely ignored the entire lenten season and I didn't even go for mass on Palm Sunday. Why start on Maundy Thursday, go out on Good Friday, then do my usual on the weekend? What good would it do anyway? Feel that God would go "oh my child, so you have been thinking about me.. thanks for coming to church." Momma, please. God knows I talk to him everyday before I sleep, when I wake, and for every other moment when I start cursing God, damn it.

And to face hypocrites? Please. I know at least half who go to church, say I'm sorry God, then come out and do shit all over again. Fuck that. I'd rather be the prodigal son all my life. Or just be me. I respect you, God, and all the days you have sorted for the calendar - and I thank you for blessing me with the morals I've grown up with and still have today.

Then it was telling me about my relatives going down to my grandmother's house over the Easter weekend and she was asking if I'd be interested to go. Seriously?

He's dead. There's nothing in that house that's left for me to go to. A grandmother that puts the blame of his death on me? Yeah, I don't think that's very fair. And for me to go down and pretend to enjoy the easter season? Yeah sure, let's all sit in a circle, eat Easter eggs and sing Kum-Ba-Yah.

Come the fuck on.

Ever since the funeral, all I've heard were stories about how everyone was talking about me. When I lived in my aunt's house and I did nothing except eat, sleep, wake up, play my xbox, surf the internet and that was my life.

All I've heard were people talking about what I was doing on the daily behind my back.

Was it fair?

I'm sorry, I don't spill the dirt on any of your sons or daughters, so why the fuck is everyone doing it to me?

And I have to go down on Easter Sunday to pay my respects and say hello to everyone?

Fuck all of you. I'd rather die alone.

So pissed, right? And she goes "I'm gonna get an iPad or a galaxy tab."

FOR WHAT?!

"Which one is better? Wifi or 3g or both?"

All due respect, you got yourself an MP5, had me load it up with songs and videos and movies in the middle of the motherfucking night for you, and you just chucked the bitch of a thing in a corner blaming me for not teaching you how to use it.

And you want a tablet?

I asked if you could buy the MJ game for me and you said I'd have to pay back for it because you're using house money.

BUT YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND FUCKING BUY A GODDAMN TABLET?!

Jesus Fucking Christ.

Yesterday feels so far away.

I was just out with Lyn the other day. Buying a bag. We were discussing our future lives, 2 years from now. Studying in Brisbane. Working together. Living together. Throwing snowballs and having dinners together.

Would we even survive through whatever? We had to go through so much in 2009 and 2010. We fought so many times, almost stopped talking to each other, hurt each other with so much words..

I don't even know what I want for my life right now. Ever since my grandfather's passing, I'm just lost.

This pain in my chest feels like something new, yet old. But it's a pain, it's a darkness, it's a void.. it's worse than heartache, it's as bad as misery, and it's cold.

I'm cold. Inside.

I never thought it would have been the last time I would have ever seen him again.

I never even told him that I loved him, all I did was kiss his cheek when I got there, and kissed his forehead as I was leaving. I ran a hand through his hair and told him he was handsome. To me, I could go down next week and I would still see him there. I would still see him there, ALIVE. Rolling in a wheelchair, perhaps. But, alive.

And he was gone, just like that. I never got to tell him I loved him, I can't even remember the last time I said it to him. I never got to spend Christmas with him or New Years because I was so cooped up with my own life.

He's gone. Taken from me. And all these years at the back of my mind, I had the image of getting married and starting a family and him being there as I did all of it. He would have been there at my wedding, he would be there when I had a kid, he would have been there. I would have wanted him there.

Now I'll never see him again.

And it never helps when you knew all the while that you're the apple of his eye. It doesn't help with dealing with the loss when you know that he was one of your father figures. It doesn't help when you know that you loved him, just never thought much of it..

It doesn't help with loss when you realize what you had so good, till it was gone.

I feel lost. I don't know what to do. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I don't feel like living. I don't feel like smiling, like laughing like a normal person would.

I just want to push the whole world away. I want to scream away all this pain, all this anger and sadness. I want this pain to go away. I don't want to feel so cold anymore.

God knows how I felt like punching everyone that smiled. How could they be so normal, how could they treat the entire event like a joke, like it was some casual cocktail party with peanuts and drinks? How could they laugh and joke and smile? How could they talk like normal beings?

How is it that they looked so unaffected?

How is it that they didn't feel the pain I felt? The loss I felt? That emptiness, that whole long fucking string of regret?

WhoSay - Sophia Bush

WhoSay - Sophia Bush