I was just out with Lyn the other day. Buying a bag. We were discussing our future lives, 2 years from now. Studying in Brisbane. Working together. Living together. Throwing snowballs and having dinners together.
Would we even survive through whatever? We had to go through so much in 2009 and 2010. We fought so many times, almost stopped talking to each other, hurt each other with so much words..
I don't even know what I want for my life right now. Ever since my grandfather's passing, I'm just lost.
This pain in my chest feels like something new, yet old. But it's a pain, it's a darkness, it's a void.. it's worse than heartache, it's as bad as misery, and it's cold.
I'm cold. Inside.
I never thought it would have been the last time I would have ever seen him again.
I never even told him that I loved him, all I did was kiss his cheek when I got there, and kissed his forehead as I was leaving. I ran a hand through his hair and told him he was handsome. To me, I could go down next week and I would still see him there. I would still see him there, ALIVE. Rolling in a wheelchair, perhaps. But, alive.
And he was gone, just like that. I never got to tell him I loved him, I can't even remember the last time I said it to him. I never got to spend Christmas with him or New Years because I was so cooped up with my own life.
He's gone. Taken from me. And all these years at the back of my mind, I had the image of getting married and starting a family and him being there as I did all of it. He would have been there at my wedding, he would be there when I had a kid, he would have been there. I would have wanted him there.
Now I'll never see him again.
And it never helps when you knew all the while that you're the apple of his eye. It doesn't help with dealing with the loss when you know that he was one of your father figures. It doesn't help when you know that you loved him, just never thought much of it..
It doesn't help with loss when you realize what you had so good, till it was gone.
I feel lost. I don't know what to do. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I don't feel like living. I don't feel like smiling, like laughing like a normal person would.
I just want to push the whole world away. I want to scream away all this pain, all this anger and sadness. I want this pain to go away. I don't want to feel so cold anymore.
God knows how I felt like punching everyone that smiled. How could they be so normal, how could they treat the entire event like a joke, like it was some casual cocktail party with peanuts and drinks? How could they laugh and joke and smile? How could they talk like normal beings?
How is it that they looked so unaffected?
How is it that they didn't feel the pain I felt? The loss I felt? That emptiness, that whole long fucking string of regret?
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