The Ripped Soul

I can't believe it. Up to this day, I still wonder why I didn't die. So many times, so many chances. None taken. After so many pills, so much whisky with it. After all that dashing across the roads. After all that near-accidents on ledges and rooftops. After so much walking under the rain, no matter how stormy. After all that, after all that 16 years. I'm still fucking alive. Why won't I just fucking die and go to hell and serve my time?

I went to church today. Sat behind with Amanda and Joel and James. It feels so different. Being part of the congregation and not the choir. Almost up to the feeling of weirdness. But it was nice. Hearing them sing without me, loud as ever, praising God, just like how they do every time. An old man nearly fainted during mass. But no fear, wardens to the rescue! Yeah.. then I reckon they called an ambulance. The old chap was escorted downstairs by the family and wardens. Tsk.

After mass, collected the ration and was about to go home when Na caught up with me. Asked why I didn't go for choir.

Now to all of you wondering the same thing, I'll tell you one thing, but will you believe me? My gut says you won't, and will go on thinking I'm still probably mad about All Saints. So you know what? YOU GO ON THINKING WHAT YOU WILL. I won't bother changing your mind and convincing that I sat at the back out of my own will, or because I wanted to sit with Amanda, or because Amanda wanted me to sit with her.

After I was done with the admin stuff, I left the grounds to the bus stop. Waited awhile when I saw Celest ran after me to pass me my stuff. At that same time, I saw my bus pass me as well. Dammit. There goes my bus 40. Walked her back to church, and was about to leave when I got caught by everyone else. So I stayed on, went for choir practice, stayed for awhile, and came home.

At home, things were all okay. Up to the point when she mentioned that motherfucking cocksucking son of a fucking bitching bastard giving her tickets.. when all hell broke loose. I was screaming to get my point across, she took it as I was being rude and ungrateful, and I HAD TO GO BACK TO THAT ROAD OF LECTURES AGAIN ABOUT BEING RUDE AND UNGRATEFUL. Whatever.

See how she protects him? Over her own daughter? See why I hate my life so fucking much - up to the point where I just want to kill myself? See what I mean by NOFUCKINGONE EVER FUCKING UNDERSTANDS ME? See what I mean by explaining is pointless? See what I mean when TALK is pointless? See what I mean by bottling still seems to be the best way? See what I mean by being ignorant is the best method? See what I mean? DO YOU SEE WHAT I FUCKING MEAN? DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY DONT TRY TO UNDERSTAND ME - YOU EITHER DO OR DONT?

DO YOU GODDAMN SEE?

"Somemore just after mass. MIGHT AS WELL DONT GO FOR MASS!"

Yeah, I wish I didn't. Thanks for the encouragement. Shouldn't have gone. Should just remain as a sinner for the rest of my life, and die going to hell.

Now even if I wanna runaway, I got no where. WHY? Cos everyone has got school and work to go to. So you know what happens now? Now I'm just going to running every damn day at ECP till alls left of me is bones.

Fuck this.