The Ripped Soul

Lets see. A night passes, and its another day closer to the weekend. I know I said I'll be on hiatus. But my counsellor told me to take a break cos I'm being a wreck in school. So she told me to do something I like.

But how can I do something I like - drinking, having fun out with friends, going to the beach - when I'm schooling, and when we're not really in contact anymore?

So I decided to come online. Say hi to people and such.

Well.. an update. School's been crazy. Singing national anthem during recess cos we're not LOUD enough, and forcing FOREIGNERS to sing.. stirring up negative emotions from my class.. and having end up Joey write some shit letter to Dorally, the sheep of the school, voicing out our unhapiness. Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes. I'm not surprised if she comes walking in, and comes baa-ing away at our faces. Not forgetting the teachers who will be giving us a fucking hard time.

Just like a damn war. Students against teachers. Never ends, does it?

Now I know I'm gonna be in shit trouble for all these flaming.. but I really don't care anymore. Really. Every second just ticks away in class like no tomorrow. Teachers talk and talk and talk, sometimes talking like they know me when they don't, and when they teach.. words just go in and out in and out. Ever watched I not stupid too? Its just like that.

Hmm. Counselling. Hate to admit it, but like Na said. Its fun. Fun not because I can skip class at the same time, but cos well..

she says the things I want to hear. That I've been desperately trying SO hard to hear, from friends, from parents, from everyone.

Its nice having the feeling that someone says its okay to feel that way. Its nice having the feeling that someone understands you fully. Having someone who can just finish your sentence, having someone who'd listen and not talk or think about other things but - you.

All she does in that half an hour is just sit there, and listen. Listen to my frustrations, listen to my sorrows, my joys, whatever. She just sits there and listens. And when I'm done, she advises, she says things that make sense, that fits the missing piece of the puzzle. And it just feels so good. And because of the fact that she is no one related to me in any way, it makes me feel so safe just to talk to her about everything. Every little thing. Except maybe telling her about those suicidal tendencies I had before, the hatred I have towards a few teachers..

Anything to do with school, or anything related to me in which I have done before to hurt myself in any way, I keep away from her. Cos I don't want her to tell anyone else that I'm feeling like this, that I'm a bomb that could blow away anytime..

She could also spell it out. Without me telling her at all. She said the things that Na wrote in her warm fuzzy to me. And it just hit me hard.

"You know, Jess. I look at you when you come in, when you go out, and you're so different from the person I see in that chair, with the kleenex box next to you. You're so bubbly, so full of life, so happy, energetic.. everything positive that a person could think up of. So much so that if I was just another person, I'd look at you and I'd say, that's one happy kid right there with no issues. And that's the same around friends, I presume.."

I interrupt.

"Yeah. When I'm out there, all they see is this.."

I force a smile.

"...but they never, or hardly, ever see this."

And I let my face muscles relax, showing a teary eyed face.

"..Yeah, I thought so. But I sit here. And I look at you. And you show me another side that is unbelivably different, and I thank you for that. For opening up. For dropping the mask you've been wearing for so long. And I know sometimes you just want to drop it. You don't have to be so brave every time, every where you go. And wear that mask, keep that shield, and hide everything deep within. Hide all your pain and your sorrow. Do you know that by doing so, you're actually hurting yourself more, and that it would break you down badly eventually?It is okay to cry. No matter what others say."

I nod my head. Looked around the room as tears threatened again.

Just wish she'd understand me more. In my books, crying's a sin. It shows how weak you are within. And how you're so breakable. And vulnerable. It shows where your weakness is. And that is just not me. I cry in the shadows of night. Not in the light by day where everyone sees a red face and know what's going on.

But its nice how she could just piece it all up. Reads me like a book, fits me like a puzzle. Too bad its just half an hour. Hah. The things she wants to know.. I could so just write a book on my life and give it to her to read.

She still wants to work with me. The next topic is on friends. Sigh. But that's for the following week. Tsk.

"Do you have any friends in school now?"

"If I said no, would you believe me?"

Hah. So that's counselling. And the girl in my school who got in for Idol? She sang I believe - Fantasia Barrino. And I can't fucking sing that song for nuts.

She's good. Better than me. And I don't even deserve to be compared to her at all. Really.

Sigh. Till next week then fellas.