The Ripped Soul

Oh God, this is so depressing. I look at you now, and frankly, I don't feel that spark anymore. I feel so empty, so hollow. And it hurts. For God knows why. A part of me doesn't give a damned fuck about you anymore, a part of me still does. And it sucks. Cos its like, I hate you. So fucking much. Cos you hurt me. Really bad. Fuck, I'm still fucking hurting. And as crazy as it sounds, I can't forget you either. Right now, I'm wondering. What hurts more? The fact that I still like you, yet hate you SO fucking much, or is it the feeling where I just miss all the good times we shared? So many complications. Goddamnit, tell me why the fuck do I even give a shit about you when you don't even care about me?

I may not know what's really going on, fact for fact, word by word, but I know you're in a mess. And believe me. I don't want to see you get hurt, really, I don't. Knowing the fact you love fucking around is bad enough. True or not, heaven knows. I care for you, really. Bet you don't even know that. But then again, what's the point of telling you anyway? You'd just shrug me off like a fly buzzing at your ears. You're all grown up now. You can make your own decisions. Just like the way you want it. The fuck you even need me for? Hah. Bet you don't even give a shit about me. That's why when she said what she did, I replied whatever I did. And it hurt me to say such things. You were my world, I'll admit that. Before you left, before all this shit cropped up, you were the only reason why I did whatever I did. I studied cos you asked me to, I didn't cut my wrist, jump off the ledge when I was high... because you told me you'll hate me if I did all that. Because you told me you loved me, and you couldn't live without me. I lived for you. I knew that then, you were the one reason why I'll stay. I fought hard. Defended when needed. Bet you never knew. Bet you don't care either. You never did, anyway.

My past is coming back to haunt me. He has a friendster account, he's been viewing my profile. I wonder what he thinks of me now. He's still attached to her, not that I got anything against it, cos he and I were so over years ago. I found someone to replace him. Someone who'd love me. Even though she was just a friend. At least she'd love me. Unlike him. And hell, even with all that complications, I'm glad I waited, I'm glad we pulled through. Sure, it was rocky, it was sad, I nearly killed myself over it, but the ending was all worth it. But back to him. Why come back? Why see my profile? Why the fuck do you even care, you stupid bitch? All you wanted was her. Why come back to me now? I added you as a friend. I sure hope I don't live to regret it. Me and her? We'll never be friends again. I said it before, I say it again. We'll never be friends. I can't fucking trust her. Sure, we'll be classmates, schoolmates. But not friends. Never friends. Thats a line I swear on my own life I'll never cross, even as thoughts keep coming through about it.

Shit. I miss you. It hurts. This hurts. A history, a past, coming back to haunt me. I feel so out of breath. Just how long more can I really take? How many more blows till the final fall? How many tears to fall before it all stops? I regret doing what I did. If I never ran away from home, maybe all this shit wouldn't have happened, maybe we would still be the fantastic trio, maybe we'd still hang out, laugh, cry and fuck around all day and night long. Just where did we go wrong? Is it all even close to mendable? Should I even give another shot? It seems so undeserving since I'm always the toy being used, time and time again, once someone steps into your life. And when he moves out, you toy with me again, take me in to comfort you. Am I just another being in the way? Am I just an Aunt Agony, a lady who's all out to listen to your problems and woes?

Bottomline is: I still love you. Even with all this. But sigh.. that's not the same vibe I get back. I'm already at the bottom of your list, maybe right down in the basket of soft toys. You just don't care anymore. Period.