The Ripped Soul

Tonight was brilliant. Until I got home. That explains the VERY vulgar nickname on my msn.

Lets see. Awesome band. Awesome audience. Unkind weather. Good looking singers, lively emcees, pretty, babelicious emcees. Annabelle Francis still looks as good as everrr. Even after having 2 kids and being a mummy. Still looks bloody good. Wonder how her kids look like, or more like, how her hubby's doin. Shiekh Haikel. Nick and I still can't believe they got married. HAHA.

The singers.. I preferred Vanessa more. She's more.. I don't know. I feel her when she sings. Like, I'm bloody listening to a radio that's blasting, man! But the other singer's good at harmony as well. Damn bloody good. Nick kept asking me if I can sing like that. That'll be crazy man. Totally out of this world. Totally wicked. I'll be a fan of my own self if I could sing just like that. Its that crazy. They were that good, for a local bunch of singers. Totally awesome yeah.

Can't wait for the day I turn 18. Or 21. I could finally go to Bars and all. I'm not looking forward to clubs and stuff. I mean, MOS? Zouk's underage party? Sparks? Go home lah. I'd rather spend my time listening to fantastic live bands perform at bars while drinking with a group of friends. And about drinking hard liquor and shit like that? Go home lah. Already been there, done that. Vodka, tequila, peppermint, jack daniels, johnny walker.. drinking the same shit over and over every x'mas and nye gets boring after awhile. But having good company while drinking and listening to good live bands that play at places like Bar None, Acid Bar... now we're talking. Can't wait for the day.

And yeah. Then it was all fun for the night. I went home silently singing to myself. Opened the gate, switched on my com, and realised something.

The ares program wasn't there as I'd left it. What the fuck happened? MY DLS!

Interrogated my brother immediately. And he could still use that "Yeah-i-used-the-fucking-computer-so?" tone. YOU STUPID BITCH, I HOPE YOU FUCKING BURN IN HELL FOR THIS SHIT. I hate being the younger one. I scold you, you scold me back, and I feel like I'm at wrong. And everytime, I have to silently seeth my anger through my teeth, bang the wall with a fist, whatever.

And she doesn't give a shit either. All she does is NAG. But if I used YOUR things? Listened to your IPod? You'd fucking scold me and snatch it back. And I couldn't say a thing. You bitch. Watch out for the day mom dies. I'll throw you out the door like a bag full of rotting fish. Go survive outside on your own. And don't you EVER come knocking on my door.

Bitch.

Now I know you're probably thinking "shit, jess, you're so fucking cold hearted! Don't you feel anything?" But I ask you this. How'd you like being treated like shit at home 24/7? Have a brother who tells the whole world he's good to you, wishes the best for you, thinks you're the smartest in the family, very bright, whatever, AND then when you come home, its a totally different story?

Besides, about being cold hearted. My heart has already turned cold since the day the news broke out. Since the day my whole world's came crashing down on me. She was my world. He was my world. They crashed, so did I. I don't love anyone anymore. Even my fellow LCians. Sure, the guys are cool. Na, Celest and Dawn are awesome. But some things happen, some things change, some things just don't always remain the same anymore. Bonds are broken, the smiles and laughter just isn't the same anymore.

Best friends I've lost. The love just isn't there. I used to love, I used to feel, I used to be sensitive and emotional when things happen. But that's what they are. Things. Things that always left me being the stupid one. The idiot being used time and again, for entertainment, for fun. Like as if I was the clown, like as if I was a toy doll on the shelf. No feelings whatsoever. The real person within me was forever just another mime. The silent act that no one pays attention to.

Shit, I'm out of it. Whatever, man.