The Ripped Soul

Okay. Disappeared for awhile.. in fact, for 4 days. Had a camp.. and yeah. Its good. Refreshing. Makes you believe that you really wanna study, really wanna do all it'd take to get the As, to pass O's, to accomplish every single one of your dreams, no matter how ridiculous. On the second day, I cried like crazy.

The guy was talking about our parents, how they won't always be there, how they'd just die one day.. and what are ya gonna do then? It'd be too late for regrets. Are ya gonna cry all the way till the coffin goes into the furnace? Screaming words like

"I LOVE YOU! DON'T GO! NOOOOOO.."

That kinda thing? Or are you just gonna accept it, cry, and say...

"I hope you've been satisfied with what I've given you; nothing but the best, my 100% in everything I've done. And I hope I've done you proud, ma/pa."

Got me thinking. ALOT. And well, yeah. Was shocked when I saw the number of hands that DIDN'T go up when the guy asked "how many of you actually say 'I love you' to your parents before you sleep or before they sleep?"

No one raised their hands.

Kinda sad, huh? But yeah. Loved the second day. It got all of us on the emotional boat, and made all of us wake up our ideas. Stuff like - It'd be the last year for all of us; we won't be seeing each other again the rest of our lives unless its fate - really hit us hard in the head. Tsk.

And its really crazy, but I really think I'm gonna be a nerd. For 3 months. I'll probably stay in school or go to the library to do my studies. I'd probably not come online often either. And I might skip some stuff here and there. AND I would not go out as often as before. Or at least, I'd really try not to. I gotta go to a place where the areas are like 19deg cel. And its places like the library and all.. Its the perfect temperature for people to study. So I might just do all that, for 3 months. Crazy huh? But that's how I'm gonna be. JUST FOR 3 MONTHS.

Yesterday, Class bbq. Went kinda well, for a last minute shopping spree, for a last minute prep. I thank LC for giving me the experience in marinating shit - know why? When I went to YS's place yesterday, only I knew how to do the marinate. And another girl. Joyce. The rest were all cuckoos. And all they did was either play music or play com games or mess his room up. Christ. But at least they had the heart to carry the stuff. So yes, thanks guys.

BBQ was fine. ECP had HELL loads of people. Indians and Malays, in particular. Damn. And the rocks were full of 'fresh' couples. Walk there in the afternoon, you see people smooching and hugging. You go there at night, and it ain't any better. You'd hear moaning. GAWD. Cycling was HORRIBLE. Bikes were spoilt and rented out. I cut my foot while cycling. People were walking on the road meant for cyclists like as if it was Fear Factor. I almost collided with 3 small kids, an ah ma and a roller blader. When I tried a 2 seater, my friend's handle bar could move - so could MY seat. What the hell. So after that experience, I dumped the bike and took charge of the pit. And only I knew how to control the pit. Grill the buggers all way around. Make em taste extra good. Food was good. Everyone enjoyed. Money insufficient, but who cares. That's the way when people go for a bbq.

It was just her. Ruined[?] my day.

In the afternoon, I was waiting for Helen to drop by with the pork that was yet to be marinated and stuffs. So I was sitting there. Suddenly I got an sms.

"j, here. i think i owe you sth, sorry."

I looked at the message, then the unknown number. And I thought to myself. "Did she just send this message, or is this like a wrong number?" Wanted to reply back "SORRY, wrong number." But ahhhh. Phone batt went dead. Coincidence? Maybe.

At night, after I was done cooking everything we bought and over done with eating the leftovers, he called me out to play a game of 'dai dee' with him and her. I went over. He won first, said he was gonna get a beer. He left. I played, I won, she lost. She was shuffling the deck when suddenly..

she: are you still angry with me?

I swear to GOD. I had so many thoughts in my head, but when she asked that, everything changed. I wanted to reply either of these:

what makes you think so?
not really.
we're neutral.
forgiven, not forgotten.
id just talk when you talk, keep quiet when you do.
we're not friends, but i'd treat you respectably like a person.
yeah i am. a little.
only when you mention it.
sometimes.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY IN THE SPUR OF THE MOMENT. And it got SO bad, I almost barfed. Almost.

me: i just don't feel.. like talking to you. that's all.
*silence*
me: its like, what you did; already forgiven, a long time ago. It's just not forgotten.
*silence*

I already felt that awkward silence thing. So I just wanted to leave and be with the rest.

me: hey, I'm gonna get a drink. You want any?
she: what drink?
me: from the cooler. the orange fizz, sprite, box drinks..
she: ahhhh dont want.

So I walked away. Saw the guys playing dai dee, drank 3 sprites and 2 boxed Yeo's teas. Then he came. So I walked up to him, started talking.

me: eh. you saw j?
him: um. yeah. she's sitting at the rocks. said she wanted to be alone and all.
me: did she tell you why?
him: er.. nope.
me: did you ask her why?
him: no.. why?
me: oh okay. nah.. just asking.
him: why?
me: just now, played dai dee all.. she asked 'are you still angry with me' .. and I told her that i just didn't feel like talking to her, and that what she did i've already forgiven, just that its not forgotten.. that kinda response.. just thought y'know. maybe she took it a bad way when i meant it in another way, like.. i can't talk to her and be all buddy with her like before when we were friends.. but i'd treat her like a normal person.. that kinda thing.
him: ah.. oh well. don't worry la. you know.. you've changed. you're more matured now. you're different from before. but she? she's still the same, jess. so.. just leave her be la. she'd be aight.
me: sure she's not crying or what..?
him: nah, i know her crying face. she ain't crying. so don't worry. here, have a heineken. gulp it down quick. you're bloody underaged and we'd be in trouble if the ranger saw you drinking that.

So I drank. Sat there, looked at her playing cards by herself.

Went over to the other table, Ria followed. Started asking about my conversation with Wayne. So I told her the whole story, then..

me: so you know.. i just. I don't know if I should tell her i'm sorry, didn't mean it in a negative way, that what I meant to say was 'no, i'm not angry with you, and no, that doesn't mean we're friends again.' you know what i mean?
she: yeah i know. but you should say that.. make it clear. cos if i was her, id be taking that pretty negatively. you know?
me: yeah.. i guess.

So then I looked at her playing cards.. and the thought of just going over just to say that was quite pathetic. So I decided to put it off. Maybe SMS her a reply or something.

I just don't know. Seeing them together still gets to me sometimes. Like maybe 2% of my entire emotional being. I don't like him anymore. But it still bites. RAAAAAH!!!!!! I got better things to worry about.

And as for the other fella. YS. I'm starting to freak. If I had a radar to help me watch out for guys who liked me, my radar was beeping like mad yesterday. Yesterday, he was following me EVERYWHERE. When I asked who wants to follow me to get this that this that - He'd go. When I was cooking, he was next to me. When the charcoal burned out..

me: *hands on my face* god, i wish i had fonz here. i wish i had fonz now. i wish i had fonz. fonz could start a fire anywhere anytime with anything. i wish i haaaad fonzzzz... raaah...
him: really ah. sometimes ah. i wish i was a magician. then i could just start up a fire like that *does a david copperfield hand move over the pit*

I swear I didn't know whether to just drop dead, have a fit followed by seizure, or just cry harder and louder or just slap myself senselessly.

Crazy day. And when we slept, it was worse. I woke up with backaches all over the place, my hand hurt, my foot hurt, my head hurt. And the coughing didn't stop. It got worse.

But it was all fun. Enjoyed myself. HEE.

Especially when Wayne was talking to me when I was cooking for the kids.

him: next year you'll be 18 right?
me: yeah. why?
him: ok. next year, we'll go clubbing. i'll bring you to DX0.
me: siao. go bring your gf. go have a good time with her.
him: are you nuts? she can't dance.
me: you never know until you try.
him: I've already tried, and i'm telling you, she can't shake her ass like whoa - you know what i mean.

In my head I was like "and you think I can shake my ass?"

me: how can you say you've tried if she's underaged?
him: i have my ways la. my cousin owns this neighbourhood pub kinda thing.. brought her there, she can't dance for shit..
me: hahaha.. damn mean la you. she's your gf, still dare to say these kinda things.
him: precisely. i only dare to say when she isn't around.. hah..
me: ahhh.. hahaha. ass.
him: so ok? DX0?
me: yeah. maybe. next year...

SO YES. That's all. Deep down, as much as I hate to say.... nevermind. Some things are better left unsaid. I'm not all boy-crazy over him, if that's what you're thinking.. I think I might just like.. then again, maybe not..

Yup, maybe not. Definetly not. He's just a memory back in the pages of history. There was a reason and he just wasn't my kinda guy, as how I wasn't his kinda girl. He was a player, is a player and he will always be a player. He needs someone to fit the bill, someone that is not me. And what I'm looking for is definetly not a player - but someone with the same sense of humour as his. Whutever. I'll find Mr. Right when the time's right. But it sure ain't, for now.

Sigh.. better get started on homework. SCHOOL TOMORROW. How I dread..