The Ripped Soul

So much for a better home at blog.com.. blogger still rocks. Heh.

Anyway, seeing how I'm not at school, I might as well blog about LC closing and all. I attempted blogging 5 pages worth at blog.com, but it refused to publish and my work disappeared. So I'm gonna attempt doin it here.

When I went for mass last Sunday and Dawn told me that there was gonna be one hell of a surprise at the Yam's, I didn't know that it was gonna be a bad one. When she went on talking about it, she went to the extent of saying that those who don't come for the gathering - will regret later. Sounds damn wonderful right? Like one not to be missed right? Never did I even think that it'd be THE surprise. THE bang. The most shocking, horrifying, terrifying news ever to reach my ears. She hid it really well, though she well knew the news long ago.

So fine, still completely clueless about nuts, I had my lunch with Elvin, went home, thinking about the party later, thinking about next week when Drey'll be back, thinkin bout Irene reminding us about Tuesday, thinkin bout holidays and LC, thinkin bout carolling with a bigger choir, FK making a speech and asking people to join the choir cos we sound so weak... Normal thoughts. Happy thoughts.

Even when I went to the Yam's, EVERYTHING was SO damn normal. The guys were, well.. being guys. They were messing with the band stuff and the rest of us were just sitting there on the couch waiting and watching the band play. Dicky was there, and we did the backup "Hey!" for Holiday. Everything was nice. Fun. That same comfortable, enjoyable feeling whenever I hang with all the LCians. If there was the smell of roast chicken, curry, beehoon, a bottle of Vodka, Wine, and a christmas tree in the corner, it would've been Christmas in August.

Yet, I could still feel that sense of emptiness somehow. But I was thinking that maybe it was cuz not ALL the LCians were there, or maybe cuz Drey couldn't make it or cuz the band was outside or cuz Nick wasn't disturbing Ernie like how he always would do.

Which was precisely why, when Nick said that "LC is closing," I had no reaction. I was dumbfounded. Lost for words. Living in denial. In fucking fact, when he said that, I looked around, waiting for someone to scream "HA! YOU GOT PUNK'D!" or "GOTCHA!" or something stupid to say for something serious like that. I wanted so badly for someone to say that it was a bad joke, that it was a sick joke, that it was just nothing but a joke. LC couldn't close. We had our problems, we had conflicts, we had conferences, we made mistakes, but we were still one. We had fun, and everything else didn't matter. How could LC close?

When I saw the video, I was still in denial. I teared a little, but deep down REFUSED to believe that LC was closing. I mean, we've come a long way. We've faced dirty plates to wash, rubbish to carry out, "menses" spilling out of garbage bags, handling fuckedup customers, BUT we were always there for each other. Why the change? Why the sudden turn of events? When that fatass scolded Dawn or bitched about our choir, we always stood up to defend ourselves. We made fun of him in our charade games. We had fun. We had plans too. Plans for recruitment, plans for future camps, a bakery even! And our very own PnW crew. What happened to all that?

When Nick got us to sit in a circle and said that we were going to play charades or the 50c game, I just thought: Ha, they were kidding. They had to be kidding. See? We're gonna start playing games! - Which was why when Na said that "Okay, now I'm going to give instructions," I cut in and said "to how to play the game?" in a ridiculous tone. I didn't say that as a joke, or as a sarcastic remark - nothing like that. I really - never so badly in my life - wanted that whole turn of events to just be a JOKE. For me to hear that LC was closing was as good as saying that my mother or father just died. Together with 20 other siblings or best friends. That's how close I am to LC. Everyone is family to me.

When the testimonies was goin round, my world was starting to crumble. Ever seen 9/11? That was the effect. The start of the testimonies was like a plane flying around the WTC, waiting to crash. Precisely why when the ball was in my hands, I cried. The plane crashed. There was smoke. The tower was crumbling. Nick saying how he loves the way I run. Dawn telling me my faults and flaws. Me being so hard on myself. That was when reality hit me straight in the face. Precisely why I cried so damn badly when Na started giving her testimony. There were so many thoughts in my head goin at once, tears I was trying to control, so I really didn't get to hear what Na said. My mask had fallen, first time in LC. Everyone got to see the girl behind the smile.

When it was time for group hug, I didn't want to hug anyone. I hate goodbyes. I'm always a "okay, cya around!" person. NEVER goodbye. The hugs were goodbyes. When I hugged Ernie and Drey, I didn't want to let them go. We were PPG. We were THE livewires put together. We set up chalets together. Planned nonsense together. We faced shit, piss and maybe worse. We've had our fights and squabbles but we always made up the next week. We were the inseparable trio. But with LC closing, what would happen to us? When Na wanted to hug me, I didn't want to let go of her either. She was like a mother figure to all of us. When I said "mother of LC" and hugged her, I cried. Its like a small kid saying goodbye to a mom, a mom who was always there whenever you needed, a mom who always cared, who laughed with you, who stood up for you. And you were like the child who cried with her when she cried, who offered the ears and shoulders for every teardrop that fell from her eyes. When Dawn wanted to hug me, I didn't want to hug her at all. Cos I knew that I had to let go of her, like it or not. You know, in the Clifford era, he told me something that I took for granted until that night when Dawn looked at me with outstretched arms. I might be inseparable when it comes to Ernie and Drey, but Dawn is also someone special to me cos we share a bond with each other. Maybe it was cuz of the time I made Elvin pour the bucket of water all over her head, maybe it was because when she stared at me, I felt SO guilty that I skipped the nightwalk on the second night of camp and stayed in a little corner to write a letter of apology since she STILL wasn't talking to me - or maybe it was because it felt so easy to just talk to her about anything, or maybe it was because of all the stupid things we did or laughed about or bitched about, or because of the time she surprised me with Rima's autograph and Energy's photo, or because she surprised me with the cake on my 17th, or cuz we're born in the same month - in the same week. When she said "come here" I went very reluctantly, memories rushing in my head as I did so. When she said "don't miss me" I didn't know what to say, so I said "Oh believe me, I will." In my head, it was like a multiple choice answer "a) easier said than done. b) are you kidding me? c) [hint of sarcasm] oh, yeah, I won't. d) yeah right, you wish." I just went crumbling after those hugs. When it came to Nick, I wanted to slap him for saying how he loves the way I run. He was like a fatherly figure to me. He had so many plans for LC. So many plans. But that's just what they'll just be. Plans.

I left after that. I wanted to hug Colleen, but God only knows where she went.

When I went home, I cried, if never so badly before in my life. I cried until my mother got worried. That was how bad things were. Cried until my pillow was soaked with tears. When I sat upright in my room and sent that sms to everyone and read their replies, I felt like half my soul was ripped apart. I felt like dying. Like opening the window and jumping down. Like going to the 13th storey and jumping off the balcony. I felt so empty. I couldn't sleep. I tossed. Turned. Went to school at 630, earlier than usual. In the bus, I cried when I heard songs that reminded me of LC. Zombie and Benedict, Invisible and Irene, Open arms and Na, My Sherona and Aloy and Zac, As A little Child and LC, Incomplete and Andrea and Stef, Dont Cha and Colleen, Stand by me and Fonz, Catch your wave and Ernie, Sunday morning and Daryl, Sway and Annie, Spice up your life! and Dawn, Jingle bells and Marion.. God, so many memories. When I was in school, I broke down. VERY BADLY. I felt so empty. So dead. My friends tried consoling me, but it just wouldn't stop. Joey said that I could always meet up and visit every Christmas, every New Year, every Birthday.. but I knew that it just won't be the same as seeing everyone there chibbering and chabbering in front of the organ, or everyone standing in their little circles after mass.. it just wouldn't be the same.

Met the guys for Aloy's dinner, gave Aloy his present. When the guys ate at FishnCo, I didn't want to join. But seeing how LC was closing, I decided, ah - what the heck. Didn't order food - no appetite. Even in school, I skipped recess and lunch break. When I attempted eating a pau, it was so tasteless. Food lost its taste. The flowers blooming and bees buzzing didn't even matter to me. That was how zombified I was in school. So I didn't eat. Talked with the guys about what's gonna happen next. Sipped on Kola Tonic that tasted like water with fizz. Hung around for a bit more. Left for home, already missing the guys' laughter and antics. They get amused so easily; seeing a fire extinguisher sign @ PS's NEL - comparing it to the manhood and everything else, and they burst out in laughter.

Even now as I type this, tears fall. And I still feel that sense of emptiness inside. Like as if I was ripped apart. I'm still sad. Always will be sad. Dawn can say that she'll stick around for awhile to teach Daryl, Zac can say that he won't leave immd, Dicky can reassure me that Aloy and Randall won't leave, but there'll still be that stupid difference. I know because I felt it last night at mass. It was so empty. Choir was so empty. I felt half hearted while singing. I felt like puking when practice was going on. I was stoning when Fr Frans was talking about God knows what. And every thought that went through my head was LC sitting in the pews I was sitting on. All them memories of sectionals in the same area. Dawn asking us to sing one by one. Those times I panicked during pslaming. The time when Ernie and I would play edelweiss during father's homilies, or time him on stopwatch. All those grand masses. All those applauses. So many memories just by sitting there and stoning. Felt like crying so many times during mass. Feeling so empty hurt like mad.

Sigh. I'm going to miss everyone. So damn badly. And its only gonna get worse when more people leave choir. So should I stay or go? Even my heart doesn't know.