The Ripped Soul

Hey everyone..

Don't worry, I know the word's going round that I'm sick - but I'm still alive. Actually I don't know how I got sick. My mom blames it on my drinking - okay, I haven't blogged in awhile.. and well, that's cuz I was kinda in a depressive state. So what does Jess do when she's depressed?

Nothing new.. She drinks. Drinks and drinks and drinks till dawn. Drinks anything! From aunty-Tiger to Teenager-Carly to a little of ol' grandpa scotch. Can't wait for X'mas.. I'll finally have vodka. Damn.

But I don't think I got sick on the carlsberg and tigers. I mean, I handled Chivas last X'mas at HQ.. that didn't even give me nuts. Then there were all those drinks. All I got was headaches.. But this? Now I'm like coughing on what's soon to be my deathbed and I'm battling a fever that's having fun going up and down. 40 one second, 37.1 the next. Its irritating. And yes, being stubborn old me, I refuse to see a doctor. I mean, school's over. What's the point of getting an mc now? Who am I gonna give it to? My mom?

So its not my drinking that got me sick, for the record. So then I was thinking.. maybe its problems? Could problems get you sick? I think it could. Jaws said when you're anything but happy, your immune system goes down.. how true, God knows. And well, I did burst my bubble that time when my cousin came home for home leave. I mean, she was showing attitude, I was sick and tired of MCYS being up my ass all the time, and even better news - because my cousin was staying with us, my mom actually said to the counsellors without telling me beforehand that I was not gonna get a holiday job this season.

Can you imgaine that?

Me? No holiday job? No social life? What the hell's gonna happen to me man? What am I now? A Nanny? And what about all those dreams?

And even a better response when I tried to talk to her about it? "You wanna work? What are you gonna work as?" And when I had no answer, I know she'd beaten me. But still, it just sucks. And I guess I blew a fuse.. and this is how I got sick.

Still get a lil tied up/caught up.. whatever. I mean, thoughts about buying whatever I needed for my PSP.. getting the presents everyone deserves at Christmas cos they've done so much for me.. paying back my teacher who cared so much for me.. tomorrow's wedding which I won't attend cos I know I can't bloody afford to.. R2-D2.. That litesaber I wanted to get for Jo.. GSD for Stef.. trading OC calendars with Jaws.. Dinners to catch up with my so-called boyfriend J and my best friends R and AJ... I don't know..

Plus the cat... ohmygoddd..... Its just so sickening. Plan so many things along the way and suddenly they get stuck just because of one minor problem - my mother refuses to let me work. Or correction: She says to the people I don't need to work and that I can take care of my cuz because "I PLAN -not- to work." How honest. And if I even try to break that rule, my cuz is gone. Now if I wanted to be a bitch, I could do that. But I know it'd break my mom's heart, and it'd have wasted all her offdays fighting for rights of this kid. I wish so hard she knew how lucky she was. In fact, I wish they both knew how lucky they were.

And if that's not enough, J and I haven't even met up - not even once - ever since he came back. Whenever he wanted, I had something on with the girls or my mom.. and whenever I wanted, he was busy with his church activities. I was starting to think maybe we shouldn't even be together. I don't know. I mean, we don't click. I just missed him when he went away.. and friends miss friends right? Maybe we never even had something. Maybe he was like Seth Cohen in the o.c. and I was just like that Anna Stern. People who like each other but just have no chemistry at all to have a relationship to work.

Oh, and yeah.. ever since I've been sick, I've been doing nothing except watch Jaws' collection of The O.C. ....season 1 and 2. Yeah, I'm such a fan. Really. I'm not being sarcastic. In fact, I can't believe this myself, but when Ryan left Newport at the end of season one, I cried. Not because it was depressing he had to be a man and leave Marissa or anything just because his childhood friend's preggy, but because I knew the exact pain Seth felt when he found out that Ryan was leaving. Same thing a part of me felt when LC closed. And when Seth left on his sail boat and left Summer and his parents a goodbye note? Same feeling after I left the chorales.

I don't know. Sometimes, I just wish my life was a TiVo programme I could just switch on when it's interesting and switch off when it sucks.

And right now? I just wish I could switch it off.