And I realize this was all my fault from the start. I never regretted initializing this. Both our worlds crumbled when the words were sent. Yes, both. Because you're not the only one going through this.
Funny how a second can change your life forever. My life was changed. I was changed. I kept strong at the end for you. But now I ask what's the point, when it doesn't even matter anymore.
It was claimed that I was the person you loved most. Funny how in that bulletin your favorite was someone other than me.
And now you're letting go of everything.
Maybe I should too.
Life.Hope.Dreams.Love- they can make a person or kill a person.
You're not the only dead one.
-- Your blog entry.
you: you're drunk?
me: yuhp. yuppp
you: i thought you gave up drinking
me: hahahahahaha
you: is your mom home?
me: whyyyy
you: answer the question.
me: hahahahahhahaha maaaaaaybeeeeeeee
you: how'd you feel if i started smoking again?
me: how'd you feell if i killd myself right now
me: hahahahaha
you: jess, don't. please.
you: jess...
me: yues? yse yes*?
you: don't okay? please...? you promised...
me: hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
you: jess... do your promises mean nothing now?
me: haha you made promises you didnt keep too
you: like what?
me: hahahahahaha like whaat
you: nah, tell me.
me: you knowww alreazdy why make me tel you when yo u know?'
you: because i want you to say it.
me: promised you wouldnt hurt me, you werent like them, youd never leave
you: I didn't leave. I'm still here. and i'm not like them. they cheated on you. Not once did i ever do that. i may have broken up with you, but i stayed. you just totally shut me out. i call, you ignore me.
me: you broke up with me you left me your phsyical sense might sitll be here like i am here
me: its not e same
you: no. I'm still with you in every way. emotionally, mentally, spiritually. you may not feel it. but i still do. why do you think this hurts to much? that i not only feel my pain, but yours too? that i even bother talking to you or trying to call though I know you're gonna ignore me.
me: you still dont get it
you: no, YOU don't get it.
me: no, you. you dont understand that i still feel that all
you: tell me then, what don't i get?
me: which is why when you tell me you still think about me it hurts because i think about you all the time not a damn moment goes by when i dont, right
you: and i don't?
me: YOU DO OKAY you said so yourself
me: but you dont get it
you: exactly.
me: its not that
you: what is it then?
me: its not you being here still in this world, its not you being there as a friend still and not disappearing like lisa
me: 3 simple words: you left me. you dumped me. you rejected me. swallowed all that yet?
you: doesn't mean i stopped loving you. i didn't reject you, because rejecting you would be saying i don't love you at all when you love me.
me: you rejected me
you: no
me: yes
you: you keep telling yourself that. i didn't.
me: then what do you call me begging back for you and you saying no? acceptance?
you: being responsible, doing the right thing. i don't want to be in a relationship where i won't call you for days. if i were to get back with you then, that's exactly what i would've done. so you see, i wasn't rejecting you. i was saying no to doing that. not to you. that's the difference. i did not reject you.
me: you said no to me
you: i said no to being in a relationship
me: i said i would be willing to go through anything
you: not to you.
me: just stay
you: i did stay. if i were to get back into the relationship, there wouldn't be communication. this would have resulted in so much worse. what's a relationship without communication. it's not real Jess. i wanted it to be real because what I feel is real. i was saying no to a relationship. i didn't say, "i don't want you." i said,"i don't want to be in a relationship right now."
me: "i dont want to be in a relationship [with you] right now"
you: i remember very clearly, i did not say that. i would know because i thought it over in my head, over and over and over again. so many times. battling over the wrong and right.
me: haha your blog "It was claimed that I was the person you loved most. Funny how in that bulletin your favorite was someone other than me. "
me: shea?
me: YOURE STILL THE PERSON I LOVE MOST WHY CANT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? AFTER ALL THE SHIT YOUVE PUT ME THROUGH I STILL LOVE YOU
you: why can't YOU understand that?
me: that you love me?
you: yes
me: because after that phone call and begging, and nearly killing myself time and again i gave the space, the break. i didnt call, didnt text, didnt message. you want space right. i gave that. and throughout xmas i couldnt celebrate it, new years even. i waited...
you: and you think i celebrated?
me: ..for you to come back
you: I CALLED. i have been calling.
me: yeah. to say hi. how are you.
me: YOU BROKE UP WITH ME HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK IM DOING
you: you think i don't know how you're doing? that maybe i called because i needed to hear you. wanted to hear you.
me: so you know how im doing, and you ask anyway, to put me through misery?
you: i ask to make conversation. because you don't say anything
you: you know what? no matter what i say or do it's going to be my fault. why? because i broke up with you. i wasn't even rejecting you, it's not like i left you for someone else or left you because i didn't love you anymore. i didn't leave. i just needed a break. and i thought, expected you to at least understand. instead i get this.
*you log offline*
me: you needed the break, the break you had. you didnt come back. you moved on. thats what you said. i asked you if you knew this would put us both in so much misery, why even do it in the first place. what did you say? lets get back together, since thats what i want, right? and when i kept silent, you laughed. you break up with me thinking its the best thing for the both of us, i tried to tell you it wouldnt be. you didnt listen. you let go of me when i needed you most.
*you log back on*
you: i'm sorry. i just wanted to make a plea.
you: please stop hurting youself, i could never exist in a world without you.
*you log off*
me: you tell me to move on. you say you've moved on. you say you havent let me go. you say you still love me. you say you still want me. you say you still think of me. WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BE WITH ME? when are you going to muster up your guts, your balls and BE with me? i still love you, i still want you, i am still waiting for you to come back to me. im still waiting for you to say sorry for letting me go, sorry for hurting me and putting me through so much hell. make up your mind. youre telling me to move on, and when i do, youre saying im letting go of everything. i havent even let go yet, its so obvious. everyone else sees it, why cant you? by you playing hot and cold, giving 2 stories, telling me you want me, then telling me i should move on, i dont even know if i should stay or go. one second youre telling me to get the fuck out, the next youre telling me stay. which is which? what do you want? what do you want from me?
me: you cant say you didnt dump me if you broke the relationship up in the first place. and you cant say you still love me and want to be there for me, or want me in the same sense as you used to, but NOT be in a relationship with me. if you love me, you still want me, then BE with me. you say you broke up with me because if you stayed with me you wouldve stopped talking and all that, but you broke up with me and youre talking to me.
youre talking.
so why cant you be with me and talk still? understand that im not forcing you to be with me. but if you say you want me, you love me,
then why arent you with me?
| |
Got that conversation sorted out? Good? Good.
Firstly, let me sort out the bulletin thing. I did a survey on friendster, one of the questions asked me: Who's your favourite ex?
My answer was a girl I used to date: Shea.
She's the best because despite the shit we went through, and we broke up.. for various reasons, when the air was cleared, we could be friends again. We talked, rocked out on aim and msn and for days even when she wasn't online, she never forgot me. She'd still chat me up whenever I was online. She still befriended me after I found her on facebook.
Initially I broke off with her because some guy that liked her told me a lie, saying she was cheating on me with him and its best if I just let her go since that was what he intended to do. I did. And when I realized it was a lie, it was too late to get her back. She said "maybe some day" when I asked her for a patch. She said that relationships always left her stressed out. She liked the feeling of being free. She had school stress and it was enough for her to handle. I respected that and moved on.
We could talk after, we would try and be civil to each other. Even for times when I wasn't civil to her, she would try and be patient with me. My birthday came and she wished me. I never expected it. She didn't have to after all the shit I put her through thinking she cheated. Yet she did. I admired that about her.
We came clean after my birthday, and that's when I figured out everything. As did she. We both forgave each other. But it was too late to go back because I had someone else then. So we both moved on, she's seeing someone else now. She respected me as a person, she respected me when I was seeing Lisa, and she respected me as her ex.
She never made my life hell like this.
We still keep in touch, to this very day. Not everyday. But we leave emails and messages once in a while. We're still very civil, still very honest, and that's what I love about her. As my ex.
You take it personally and say "it was claimed i was the person you loved most.."
Why don't you see that I still love you? I STILL LOVE YOU. I loved you most then. I still love you most now. Given the scenario to any other person, they would have said to your face "FUCK YOU I DONT NEED YOU AND THIS BULLSHIT" and moved right the fuck on. I still held on. I still waited. I'm frankly telling you I don't need this right now. I really don't. I've had enough of whatever shit life has to deal to me. I've had the bad cards, the good cards, I've eaten with a full plate.
I don't need this. I could let this all go. Let you go. I clearly haven't yet. WHY?
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, THAT'S WHY.
We might have broken up, but I have not let go of you yet. I've not moved on yet. While the reality is you're my ex now, in my heart I'm still waiting for you to come back.
Everyone is telling me you're not coming back, everyone is telling me to move on, to let go, but i haven't let you go.
You're clearly not the best ex because you don't even know what you want.
You want everything a relationship has to offer, but you don't want the relationship.
You want me, but you don't want to be WITH me.
You love me, but you're letting me go when I'm telling you to stay and don't go.
You either are TRULY in a relationship, or you're not at all.
You don't go "let's still talk, let's be friends" and then say "i still love you, i still think about you, i still want you."
It's cruel. It's fucking wrong. Especially when you KNOW I still want to be with you.
You don't break up with someone and tell them everyday after that you love them. Even more so after rejecting them when they beg back for you.
It's not right.
You ask how I can say Shea is still my favourite ex? She wasn't this cruel to me. I might have been rude to her and she might have been in return, but that was it. We might have had fights, too and they may have been ugly. But at least she didn't go saying "i still love you" - "i cant handle a relationship right now."
She ended up saying she knows she fucked up. She made a mistake and she knows what she lost. She regretted losing me. If she'd known better, she wouldn't have let go of me at all.
She admitted that.
You keep telling me that I'm not listening. I don't get it. I don't understand you.
You..
You're the one that's not listening. Close your eyes, open them, breathe, and think about everything you've put me through. Wake up and smell the coffee before it's too late.
Sure, you want the best for me. You want me to be happy, but by you doing all this to me, you're putting me through misery. I tell you that over and over, you say you know, you know, you know. But it's not stopping, is it?
You say I deserve better, I say I want you. I want you. I may deserve better, but I want you. I want you because I love you. But you know that also, right?
Do you know that you're hurting me, then?
I doubt it. Because from the day we broke up till now, I'm still hurting. You don't even know you're hurting me. Or even if you do KNOW, you're not even making the effort to STOP the misery. To stop the pain. To stop hurting me. To just stop it and end it all.
All you had to do was apologize and mean it.
All you have to do is just say I'm sorry for letting you go, I still love you, I still want you, let's give this one more go. One more try.
Forgiveness will let me give us one more try.
But you go on and on and on saying things like as if I don't get it, I don't understand, like I'm the imbecile here that failed in english, logic, love and life.
You said you needed the time, I gave the time. I didn't call. I didn't message and text. I left you by yourself because space was what you wanted.
I waited everyday for you to say something, show up, apologize, take me back.
You never did.
You tell me to move on, I say I'll wait, you say don't.
You tell me YOU'VE moved on.
I still wait.
You tell me you love me, you want me.
You never said you wanted me back.
I still waited.
You take me as a joke, a mockery.
I fucking hated you like hell for it.
I still waited.
I wait. It annoys everyone and everyone says to let go. Screams at me to let go.
I don't even want to let go of you, of the love I had, of the memories.
I don't even want to.
And you say I'm letting go of everything.
You tell me to please stop hurting myself, you can't live in a world without me.
I don't have to hurt myself.
YOU ARE HURTING ME.
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