The Ripped Soul

I don't know what's wrong with me anymore.

It's been a month since our break up, I'm clearly not over it yet. Everywhere I go, the memories play like a song without sound.

And the greed, the want, the desire that runs deep.. to feel it all again. Then the knowledge that sinks in, knowing that I cannot, knowing I will never feel it again.. heartbreaking, it is. Crushing, it is. It's an internal war within. I feel like I could kill myself, really.

And battling all that, and hearing people state the obvious: LET IT GO JESS.

And stubborn cow I am, I'll say if i knew how, I'd do it, don't you think?

Thing is I probably know how. I could lie to myself and tell myself how I'm so much better than that. I don't need this shit. I didn't need him then, I won't need you now. I'll move on with my life. Hard as it fucking is, right?

But I don't want to. I don't want to let it go. I've fallen too deep, the passion runs with a crazy current.

My life's been colorless without you. Knowing you've moved on kills me. How can you live without me, when I can't live without you? Every other waking moment, you're the thought that fills my mind. Every other memory is of us, not my friends, not my family. In my bed, in my home, in the buses, trains, cabs, even Jocelyn's kangoo. In malls, in cinemas, in restaurants. On the street. In street corners.

You.

When will I let you go?
When will my heart heal?
When will I ever get over this damage you've caused?

At least when Jeremy left me in December, I had Debal from December to January.

But that was then.

I have no one now.

I yelled at my mother because she was bugging me on why I can't move on, why I can't be like her and be strong, not have a fucking need for you to be there in my damn life.

She won't talk to me now.

No one understands how it feels like to be me right now, even though they've all been through that phase. Heartbreaks, heartaches and all that bullshit.

I really wish someone understood. I really wish someone could show the way.

I really wish I had someone who'd be there for me. Like how Debal was.

Because frankly, right now.. I feel like I have no one.

No one at all.