i don't understand this cruelty..

friend: Hello!=)

me: hey

friend: How are you?

me: could be better, thanks. you?

friend: I'm fine=) take it easy jess. i know how you feel and if this make it better, she is not doing that well also. relax okay

me: i dont understand

friend: don't understand what?

me: wheres the sense in leaving someone when you still love them and they still love you too?

friend: sense is doing the right thing. she doesn't want to hurt you

me: how is that the right thing to do?

friend: remember the time when we were walking to the house, and you asked me what was bothering her?

me: yep

friend: a few days before that, her mum founds out about the two of you and it didn't go well at all
friend: I was there and i've never seen her and her mum fight this bad before. I know cause i've seen their fights before. you there?

me: yeah why didnt she say anything

friend: I think because she don't know how to start and she figure it would be easier for you to move on
friend: it's not easy to tell someone you love that
friend: you there?

me: yup

friend: if you think what you are going through is hell, she must be in a place worst then hell because she is really really putting a very thick mask and she's doing that for you, to make it easier for you to get over her..

me: its been a month and 7 days, im not over her yet

friend: don't you think that she knows? all she ever talk about is you
friend: and im really sure she wouldn't/can't get over you either.
friend: now what she's doing is she's trying to make you hate her even though it will kill her
friend: and the reason i'm telling you all this is because she's my bestfriend and I can't take seeing her like this anymore
friend: if she knowns im telling you all this, she would probally hang me upside down
friend: that day when I went out with her, her fingers were very very swollen and when I asked her about it, she didnt wanna say
friend: I think she got into a fight but im not sure

me: if its not fights, its the walls

friend: true. if it's really the wall then it shows how much she hates her self now

me: what do you want me to do ?

friend: did she tell you what she wanted you to do?

me: she said she wanted me to move on, then in her blog she said im letting go of everything
me: i think even you know that i havent let go of anything
me: im still waiting for her to come back

friend: don't wait because you waiting will make it harder for her. if you two are meant to be together, you two will be together NO MATTER WHAT.

me: so you want me to hate her?

friend: no just move on

me: how do you move on when youre still in love with the person and when you know the person still loves you?

friend: she's doing the same, why don't you?

--

That was the truth the whole while, and you never told me. We could've talked it out, things would've been so much better, but you chose not to. I had to hear it from someone else instead.

Promises, secrets and lies. I already told you. Don't make me promises you can't keep, don't keep secrets from me and don't you ever lie to me.

Sigh.

After so long, I'm giving up this battle. I've lost all hope in you coming back.

Everyone's telling me to be strong. I don't know how.

I feel dead inside. Damaged beyond repair. Very hurt, more hurt than when Avianna ran off with the other guy. More hurt than when I realized I made that mistake in letting Shea go. More hurt than when I heard Jem say that he didn't love me as his girlfriend, but more in a sisterly sense. More hurt than when I heard Wayne say he loved Joce, he didn't love me. More hurt than all that put together. But at least I had someone out there that would mend my heart. After Jem, Debal. After Debal, Shea. After Shea, Avianna. After Avi, Lisa. After Lisa, a string of flings. And then there was Rinnie. But Rinnie decided to keep our friendship since that was of more worth, than a stupid relationship that could crumble a friendship made in the first place.

Then you came along.

I loved you. I really did. I still do. I love you.

As much as you deny it, you left. And right now, there's no one.

I've said my peace, I've tried to scream it across to you. But it looks like you've made up your mind. Even after so long, I was still begging back for you in ways I wish you could see. Maybe you saw it, maybe you were as blind as me. Maybe you felt it, maybe you ignored what you felt.

I don't know anymore. Who's to know anymore?

I tell my friends the story, they see my pain, they see the cruelty, the misery. They see me go mad. Insane. To the point where I am nearly killing myself at 3am, 5am. To the point where I'm cutting my wrists and I don't even feel the physical pain anymore because the pain inside is too much.

It's too much.

Maybe one day you'll wake up and you'll miss me.
Maybe not.

Maybe one day you'll want me back.
Maybe you won't.

But I'll remember you.
Whether you remember or forget me is up to you.

And as much as it hurts, I'm going to move on. I'll keep the memories that are precious to me.

I won't hate you, not anymore. I'm quite tired. My head is screaming to be heard, and I've tried my best, but the words are ignored.

This is my closure.

As much as I hate this, I'm saying goodbye to you.

I fail to comprehend this cruelty I've put myself in. That you keep trapping me in time and again.

The last time I checked, when you love someone and the other person loves you too, you're with them. You don't let them go.

I've lost all hope in your return. You're not coming back as much as I want you to, as much as I beg you to. But if you ever think of coming back, my door's open. Whether I'm there is one, whether someone else will be there, is another.

But the door's open.

And after all this, I still don't get you. If your mother was the issue the whole while, then why would you wait until now for me to find out like this? And from your best friend, no less. We could still be together. My mother loved you, my friends loved you. It's not like it was a story of us against the whole world. They loved you. I loved you. I still do. They might hate your guts for putting me through cruelty that I never deserved, they might hate you for breaking me apart like this. But they loved you before. They really did. And knowing them, if they knew too, they'd understand. If your mother hated the idea of you being with me, then we could've kept it from her if you really wanted to be with me. We still could have done the things lovers did, we still could've dined out, watched movies, hang out. You could've come over to my place. I wouldn't go over yours. If phone calls were watched, we had msn. If MSN was watched, then hell, texts, right? Or silence, even. It wouldn't have killed me.

You calling it quits killed me. Literally. And your cruelty, the things you said, the things you did just made my death slower. The conflict of different feelings, of things that contradicted each other, drove me to madness. Everyday I wondered what's real, what's not. Whether if you love me or you don't anymore.

I've yet to hear the words come from your mouth that we broke up because of the fight you and your mother had. I don't know if I should even tell you that I do know, or just shut up and move on with this sickening truth inside.

But I know what I'll do for now. I'll just keep your memory where it belongs.

In whatever that's left of my heart.