The Ripped Soul

I just had a rough day at work.

I come home. You IM me since you're online. You call but I don't answer.

Why?

Because I need space. I need a break.

I've just had a shit day at work. But then again, work's always shit, right? Wrong. I loved work on Sunday because it was fun as hell. The rush was awesome. The people I worked with were hella fine. I loved it. And I loved work yesterday because Zah was around. I had help. If not from her, I had help from Jen.

Thing is, I had people who cared and gave a shit if I was fine handling things by myself.

Today I had to handle deliveries ALL BY MYSELF. I was running to and fro like a motherfucker. No one was beside me to double check my items, no one was beside me to guide me, no one was beside me to even ASK if I was okay.

Only Jen did, but that was while I was busy fucking orders up.

Kitchen was being a bitch because they kept SLAMMING THEIR FUCKING orders.

Eg: There's 6 fish and chips for 3 different deliveries, they cook it all and SEND it out at one go.

Who has to sort the shit out and pack a one man show?

Me.

Who helps? Who?

And I don't mean there's 6 F/C only. There's additional orders to every item. One can be a sirloin, another a ribeye. Some, fries. Stuff like that.

They send it at one go. I have to do it all by myself. Paperwork wise, I have to do it myself.

The delivery guys come, it's added stress. Zah's reminder ringing in my head. "Don't forget the takeaway condiments, don't forget the side dishes, always double/triple check"

HOW DO I CHECK FOR ALL THE ITEMS WHEN MY AREA IS MESSY AS SHIT AND NO ONE IS HELPING ME?!

So I'm throwing a silent hissing fit at the freezer. I'm worried I might have fucked up.

No surprise if I did.

It's added pressure on my ass. Given the title I have at work, it makes the load heavier on my shoulder. The responsibility is a burden. I don't want to fuck things up. I want everything to go smooth.

Therefore the need for people to just cut me some fucking slack, if I don't feel like talking on msn or answering fucking phone calls after a hard day's night.

But no...

You choose to throw a fit, right?

you: okay, so i've been calling, and sending you ims. I know you're there cause you're active on facebook. i get it now. you take care. goodbye.

I just need space, man.

I am tired as shit, more broke than a begger, I'm hungry, I want a pillow, I want to feel better. I want to smile and laugh and feel that everything's gonna be fine, there's not gonna be a complaint, everything went smoothly, everything's gonna work out. I want that.

I need a break. My mind is in a chaotic mess, my soul isn't at ease. I feel like yelling at someone because I had a rough day at work and people didn't help me.

I come home to DRAMA, and to my mom who won't shut up with her extra commentary when I'm venting on the phone to Lyn.

You say you're pissed when I ask Lyn to talk to you because you see it as me avoiding you.

I JUST NEED A DAMN BREAK!

I know you went away on fucking holiday to KL for the past few days, you just got back. SO?!

Good for you, you enjoyed yourself I hope. Thank God you're back in one piece.

No, I'm not being sarcastic.

But we're not together. Why is there a need for me to call you everyday? What more, a need to call you when I'm pissed as shit? I don't even call Lyn when I'm this motherfucking mad because I know I'll end up flaring at her and I don't want that. I don't want to flare at my friends, at you, because I know YOU don't deserve it. YOU'RE not the reason why I'm this mad, so why should you take the fall?

But you've already angered me by pushing my buttons this way.

All I did was ask Lyn to tell you I need a break. I need space. You say you didn't need a messenger. Why don't you get that I don't want you to leave me alone, but I just am NOT in the mood to entertain you? I can't even handle myself right, I lack the patience and caliber to give you the attention you want and seek, so why would I even want to TRY and talk to you as friends do?

You're my friend, you are. I see you as that, I've been trying SO FUCKING HARD to even be one.

From January till now.

For one fucking night, I'm so angry inside I could flare at the next mofo that would annoy me. I don't want to fight with you. Not because I'm afraid of fighting, but because I'M TIRED. I'm tired.

I'm tired of fighting with you.
I'm tired of fighting with my friends.
I'm tired of fighting with my mom.
I'm tired of fighting with people at work.
I'm tired of fighting with customers.
I'm tired.

I'm not even begging for death. I just want a break. I want someone to cut me some slack. It's 218am, I'm a tired, cranky, angry motherfucker.

Is that so much to ask?

jess and i fight. it's how we are; it's what we do. we fight and we make up.
but since she's afraid we'll get into senseless fights, why ever talk to me? since it can happen anytime. not just when crap happens.

Hahahaha. We fight, we make up?

Oh my god.

What is this? Hot n Cold?

IM TIRED OF FIGHTING, CAN YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!

I don't even fight with Lyn. I might fight with Joce, but when I do, I stand firm or get Lyn to snap some sense into Joce.

Friends don't fight that much. We were fighting every other phonecall, every other msn conversation, every other damned thing.

Friends with benefits? Apparently I'm too much and I'm a perv AND a bad friend for not understanding YOU when YOU'RE tired.

Valentine's day and TH nights? You get this vibe that it's always a double date. I'm pressure to you. The gifts are pressure to you. YOU KNOWING I STILL LOVE YOU AND WANT YOU BACK IS PRESSURE TO YOU.

What do you want me to do, then?

I don't know what to do.. I'm at a loss. For words, for actions. I'm lost. I try here and there, but it fails. I fail.

I'm tired of failing. Of trying. Of waiting.

But my heart refuses to give up.. and my emotions take over. I feel sad.

I call Lyn because I have no emotional attachments to her. I can yell at her and I KNOW she'll understand. She'll yell back, but she'll yell back "WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR?!" And I'll be quiet and control my temper. I'll apologize.

Then after that, she'll talk to me. Laugh. Joke. Make me feel better. Make my problems sound so trivial, so ridiculous.

And we'll both end up laughing over it.

I call you and bitch to you about work, you tell me "work is like that." "it's like that everywhere." "people are like that." "just let it go." "just move on."

If I were to yell at you, we'll end up fighting because I yelled at you.

So I call you and talk to you, and I end up having another fight to deal with, MORE pent up anger within, a dire need for patience because I would lose it with you...

AND when you stop talking and I ask what's on your mind and you say the magic word: "nothing."

I'm left speechless.

You call, I call.. silence on the phone. Silence on both ends. There's nothing left to say or things said that will hurt the other.

I would say "so why talk?"

But no.

I do want to talk to you. I do want to try for this friendship. I do want to try and have that patience to talk to you.

But not right now.

I can't hold my tongue, I've lost all patience and I'm tired.

I'm fucking tired. So please forgive me if I don't feel like talking.

The least you can do is cut me some fucking slack.

And cut the fucking drama.