another heartache, another failed romance...

It's so god damn frustrating.

A lyric, a quiz, a new sharing with what's on my mind...

"don't emo jess."
"cheer up kiddo"
"why so emo? chill.. enjoy with your friends"

I wish sometimes I had some kind of power to show people what it is I go through everyday of my life, how it feels like to be ME...

Yeah, I know. People out there my age, all partying, having fun, studying, making mistakes, fucking up, screwing up... being a teenager.

My life is just WORK. WORK. WORK. Bring home the fucking bacon. Smell the crumbs of it; and you're probably saying "at least you have crumbs, others have none" ...not saying I'm ungrateful, but it would be nice if I could actually enjoy what I EARN.. not enjoy whatever was left of it.

And to know all he does is just slack and rest at home? Watch TV? Mess with my PC? Plug and listen in my iPod when I'm asleep? Taking my cigarettes when I'm sleeping/out?

You know how annoying that is?

To come home and see your mom either shut the door/argue about money/go out in the middle of the night saying she's going to catch a movie with your relatives..

What about me? When will my time to have fun be? When I'm old, retired and dying?

If envy is a sin, then I'm already a sinner. But I try hard not to complain.

So forgive me for having "emo" entries or "emo" lyrics on my FB page.

If I have to pretend my life as it is in real life and have to pretend online as well, I might as well not live anymore. I'm sure the world could use one less "emo" person.

On other notes, talked to Anna about something. And she said stuff that hit hard.

Why keep something that doesn't belong to me? I may have thought what we had was worth fighting for... but is it really?

It was worth fighting for. Worth waiting for. Worth the pain. Worth the cruelty, worth the fucking torture.

Not anymore.

Even the sweet memories won't save me from what I feel now. From the rage that boils within, from the hatred that resides inside.

"Why put yourself through such torment over and over again?"

And I cried as she said that.

My conscience started screaming at me: WHY JESS?! Anna's right. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TORTURING YOURSELF?! Put anyone else in your shoes; Sherlyn, Jocelyn, Shea, Celest, Amanda... and whenever they came running to you and that's how they sounded like - tortured - you always told them to leave the relationship, you always told them to leave it all behind. WHY ARE YOU STILL KILLING YOURSELF OVER IT? OVER HER?! She broke up with you last December! ITS JUNE NOW! She LIED to you, she said she'll always love you, she's with HIM now! She's HIS now! When she kissed you that night she said you're the only one she'll ever want, ITS ALL FUCKING LIES, JESS! LIES! Silence, secrets and lies... she knew it, Jess. Yet she did, anyway. She lied.

What hurts is what I said was true.. she would've been all I'd have ever wanted.

That rips my heart inside.. I can't even explain it.

"how are you supposed to carry on when the weight you're carrying is much, much more than you're built for?"

Home, family, mom, brother, money, responsibilities, work, and her... the works. It's too much for me to handle.

I can't find the will to carry on anymore. I can't carry on this charade, I can't pretend we can be friends. We can't be friends. I can't even look at you the same way anymore. I read your blog and the hatred and rage boils like a mad, crazy motherfucker. I feel like I could kill something, kill someone. Shit, kill myself even. And suicide seems like such a tempting option right now.

Sigh.

I just removed you again. I don't know if you'll ever find this blog, I pray you never will. But I wish you and him the best.

What we had, it was fun while it lasted.

But like I said in a previous entry.. the love was a one sided street. And I was merely passing through.


I set out rules for him.
hahahaha.
Really!
Like, getting into this was a really, really big step.
I'm getting used to kissing him...not that he's bad or anything, he's not.
Just...i've been kissing other....people recently so yeah.
Gotta get back into it.
hahahahaha.
If you know what I mean.
HAHAHAHAHA.
BLEHHH.

For what it's worth, guys and girls kiss different.
really!
lol.


And there I was thinking on my birthday, maybe when we'd meet, you'd fufill the same dreams I did for you when it was your birthday.

I guess not.

I never want to see you again.