broken hearts, broken dreams..

"I was reading your blog and I think you're not ready. Jas, I have a feeling you're going to break his heart."

Know what?
I know.
I have that same feeling too.
Do I love him?
No.
Do I like him?
No.
So why am I with him?
I don't know.

I guess, I figured he'd be good for me. I've been a mess since december and I know you don't know. You'd prolly think I'm all happy and all right? Like I've moved on?Just because I'm in a relationship with someone else and no longer with you, it doesn't mean I've moved on. It doesn't mean I don't love you anymore. It doesn't mean anything.

------------------

I don't know what to say anymore.

I'm speechless.

But what I feel?

Anger, rage, hatred, sadness, misery.. like as if all life has been taken from me, and the irony, because here I am, alive, yet I feel dead on the inside more than ever.

Do I think you're happy? Maybe you are, maybe you're not. Everyone has their days.

But I want you to be happy, that's the difference.

You may have broken my heart, you may have ripped my soul, you may have taken the best of me.. but after all this, I still want you to be happy.

I've tried to show that since the start. You wanted the break up, I tried to keep you with me - but nope, you wanted out. So there you go. Your birthday and nothing, no news of anyone going out with you, and I put everything aside and went out with you. All those hurtful words, anyone in the right frame of mind would've just fucked you over right there and then. I still hung on, I'm still hanging on.

What does it take for you to be happy, at last? How much more must I endure?

You got into a relationship with someone else, you've moved on. He loves you, and I know as much as you say you're not in love with him, you love him anyway. So what am I? I'm nothing but memories to you now.

On another note altogether, talked to Ray yesterday. He could tell I was disturbed at work the entire day.. so he knows now.

His advice was to just keep everything hush hush... be honest and you could lose something, or it will change everything.

And surely not for the better.

But he relates the pain with me.. he kinda knows what I'm going through.

I love that boy.

And yesterday when I was ordertaking in the afternoon, this couple came down to eat and it so happened they were from Spain. I got SO excited for reasons I have no idea why... maybe it was her smile, maybe it was his curiousity with my lip stud...

But they were so fucking awesome that I just HAD to take a picture with them. So watch out for that on facebook.

Other than that.. well, after broken hearts and reliving broken dreams.. life goes on.

Hi-ho, Hi-ho, and off to work we go!