The Ripped Soul

and i remember everything...
the songs we listened to, the lyrics we used to sing.
the songs we danced to.
i remember not being able to pull myself away from you.
how all i needed and wanted was you.
and how i gave every little bit of me to you.
but that was then.
it was a time when things were different.
when you were different, and when i was different.
we grew into different people.
and we grew apart.
the fights.
the yelling.
the screaming.
and i just couldn't take it anymore.
you wanted me there for you and i was.
but where were you when i needed you?
love takes two yes?
you loved me too, i knew but you weren't there when i needed you.
and these were all just some of the things i knew i could never say to you.
why, you ask?
because i know you.
i know how your mind works and i know how you think,
and i know you'd see things so very different from me
and therefore to save another fight, another heartache,
i worked on making you hate me so much and that hurt, i felt hate.
never to you though, it was always on me
because that was always how it was,
the world on my shoulders and i'm on my knees
begging for just a day of peace,
and maybe if there was enough grace, ever
one day, i'd find peace.

i've lived with hate all my life,
so much that when love hit me i didn't even know what had begun
i knew i was done for, that i'd be dead
if love left me, and went away.

i guess what scares me now is the unknown
of not knowing if i could love someone and be loved in return
i know though, the few people close to my heart,
they'd always be with me, close, never apart.

to these few, i hope you know
that though i may be a bitch sometimes, i do love you so.
affection may not be my thing and i may not show it,
but if ever you need me, knock on my door,
i'll always be waiting.



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Your entry, that.

You're filled full with so much fucking lies and bullshit, I don't even know where to begin with.

When you broke up with me, you said it wasn't me.

It was you.

It was studies.
It was faith.
It was God.
It was your mom.
It was you not being able to handle a relationship.

IT WAS EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD EXCEPT ME.

When we were together, I always tried to be there for you. TRIED. Goddammit, but even He knows that you were too strong, or trying to be.

So with your strength in the way, not wanting to fall, how can I even be there for you?

I asked your best friend, and even she said you're a strong girl, you can manage yourself.

You didn't need me.

As I said in entries LONG ago, it was my greatest fear. Because I needed you. I wanted you. I had to have you. But you clearly showed that you could live without me. You didn't need me.

Yes, you were that strong, and that scared me. Because while you were my acting pillar, what was I to you?

Nothing, I suppose, given that after ALL this while, you're still where you are, and I'm still where I am, not in your arms.

When you broke up with me, I begged you not to. I begged for chance, for reason, for you to stay, even. BEFORE we broke up, I said we need a fix, you need to be fixed, I need to be fixed.. and our relationship definitely needed a fix.

But all you did was make fun of it, SCREAM even louder, scream your point across, how can WE be fixed when YOU'RE like this, and I'm like that.

And so it ended.

For a whole lot of reasons, and it ended.

So you know what? You can go on your blog and shoot away at how it was all my fault, how I was never there for you when you needed someone -

Hey - when it was your birthday and you were crying on the phone - "wheres your friends?"

And you said "what friends?"

And what did I do for you?

I brought you out a day before your birthday and I bought you dinner, a movie.

My birthday came and all those promises of doing the same thing, you didn't even fufill them.

I was there for you, even after it all.

Where were you?