The Ripped Soul

Got the shock of my life today when I heard from my mom that James was getting married today.

In that moment I just went from whoa!-to-what?! in a split second.

James, my godbrother. That guy I used to run around in my shorts with. The guy with the suave smile. With the whole gentleman-like demeanor, with the attitude that had him as if he was all set to go in life. Momma's boy James. Shy James. The James I played pool with, Mr. Right James.

He was getting married.

I closed myself up in the covers and told myself, it couldn't be happening.

But it did. He got married. I won't be bitter, like how his mom was, or so I heard. But the boy's in love, and if marrying the girl of his dreams would make her stay, then, why not, right?

Scary though, if mom-in-law seems like a monster enough.. and they've only seen each other for a few months. Oh boy. All the best, nonetheless.

Met mom and my godmother after, and they were telling me how bad it was. So should I be lucky I didn't go? Since they used me as an escape route? I wish I could've been their photographer though. I heard they didn't have anyone. My mom snapped a few here and there, but I was there chewing on rojak and going "that's it?!"

In my opinion, life should be full of captured Kodak moments. If it's a moment for the camera, damn right it should be captured. Even if hands are busy. Get someone else to do it. Or do a mirror shot. And this was his wedding at the registry and only a few clicks were taken. How unjustified. It's a wedding for crying out loud. Lord!

I'm sorry, my boy.

Went into JB after and tried to keep a straight face on.. even as the memory of everything played. Mixed emotions, mixed memories, even.

One second it would be the memory of Anna plugging her ears in with me and we'll be listening to some track off Paramore.

The other would be you, and how painful it was to go out with you. That dress I put on for you thinking maybe it could've saved something. Ha.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if ever comes a day when we bump into each other, if there was ever such a coincidence.

Could we avoid looking at each other? Do 2 human beings who once shared a bed with each other, who once loved each other, do they look away when they meet, once it's over? Or even if you say hi, am I supposed to say hi back? Are we supposed to talk? Ask if the other is interested for coffee or dinner sometime and act like they're old friends?

I don't know what I'd do. But it scares me that much, I'll give you that. And I pray I'll never see you again. The memory of you in my head is ENOUGH to be a bloody cause of murder.

Then watched Merantau Warriors. Which was good.

Then home, and again, more promises of dreams... I'd rather not look up on it. I was going through my old entries and the one thing that really killed me so much, was the fact that people just keep killing my dreams.

When I wanted to go for Idol, people said I couldn't make it. Don't do it. It'll be a mockery. Promises of sending me over to USA in Dec, and I was stuck in Singapore. Promises of sending me to a good school, and there wasn't enough money. Promises of increments, which I never got. Promises of checking up on me after, but it never happened. Promises of loving me forever, but it ended. Promises of never leaving, but you left.

Anyway.

She was going on and on about mom selling this house and all of us moving into an apartment up in Bukit Timah or Bukit Batok. Since it's nearer to the checkpoint, and there's loads of 24hr food stops around the corner, and there's a liquid kitchen somewhere around.

JESUS.

Just when I thought I couldn't be alienated further away from the world. Well done, ma.

Then the next idea of getting me to learn how to drive. So I can drive them around places. Like James does.

Then asking if I would be interested to go back to school.

I got REALLY startled at that one.

21 and back to school. Okay..

I asked about SHATEC. Since I've always wanted to go, just never had the chance.

And she said if everything turns out the way it should, I might just get to go there. But before I do, it's travelling to USA to my heart's content. Ha.

Somehow I know these all may not happen. The promises might be empty. The money I might never see.

But it uplifts the kid in me to keep dreaming, and it encourages. It sheds some light on opportunities on what you CAN do with this life. In a weird way, it feels good. It gives hope.

Right now I feel like I could use some.

But for now, back to the covers... back to dreams and alternate realities. Where holding hands wouldn't feel awkward, and where love is remembered, lust forgotten, when lips meet each other and drown in unending passion. Where secrets are open and everyone knows, but no one says a word. A dream of no hate, no war or drama. Just love. Sweet love.

Mmm.. goodnight.