The Ripped Soul

No matter what age you are, it's never nice to see someone you love or care for, cry.

I started crying too. And all I could do was turn away, face the wall with my tears falling from my eyes, as I heard her weeping. I overheard her conversation how she asked for help and was turned down by everyone. I had to hear her beg for an extension for payment.

Sometimes I wanna beat myself up. Literally. I mean I do it mentally all the fucking time already, so what more is a physical beating, right? I wish they would help more, it's 2 extra bodies in the back. With a combined salary, what's that amount to? 1.5? 1.8? 2?

They can come and go, leave the house in a mess, yell and shout at 4am, blast the TV in the middle of the afternoon, come home with all sorts of toys and rubbish and gadgets to brag about, he can come home with branded clothes and she with branded bags and shoes... but it's so hard for them to help.

I feel so sad to witness all of it sometimes.. I wish I had a gun, stuff the nozzle in my mouth, pop, lock and drop dead.

When I went out with the girls and Wayne yesterday, he was offering me a job on his mom's behalf. To work at Botanic Gardens as a waiter/waitress. I know they only mean well.. they're only trying. As friends. But at this point, I can't afford it. I can't afford to do anything, let alone go anywhere. Financially wise is one thing. I mean, get real. At the party, it was almost 12mn and everyone was saying "yeah hey, I'll be taking a cab home" whereas I was saying "yeah, I'll walk home" ..and I did.

Maybe it's just me, but it feels like all of you are so blinded by your realities, that no one knows what it feels like to be me. Not saying that I wish you fuckers would open your eyes and see my plight. No, I don't want you to see my plight. I wouldn't wish this kind of poverty on anyone. But sometimes I wish people knew what it felt like, just to wear my shoes for a moment, so they wouldn't be so full of themselves.

I'm sorry I couldn't come for the fancy party, even though my presence might've/would've been a present enough. I'm sorry for not even trying. I'm sorry for avoiding entirely, for ignoring phonecalls and emails and MSN messages.

I'm sorry I couldn't buy a gun, or two guns, or the game you wanted. I'm sorry I couldn't take you out to dinner, couldn't surprise you with a cake or a stripper. I'm sorry I couldn't even pay for my own movie. I'm sorry you had to pay for my dinner, even. I'm sorry if my gift wasn't enough. I know, it was a board. Just a board. I thought 'hey, maybe something from the heart and maybe something homemade might just do it.' Apparently not. :')

I'm sorry for smoking your cig sticks bestie. I'm sorry for even picking it up again. I'm sorry for not having a plan on what to do in life. I'm sorry for feeling lost. I'm sorry for wasting my life away like this. I'm sorry things aren't working out for me and yet I'm not doing a thing about it. I'm sorry I can't go clubbing with you, or go to Pok's house or follow you to one of your friend's to smoke weed. I'm sorry I can't even be there for you like you were there for me almost every step of the way. I'm sorry for giving bad advice, for maybe saying things you don't even wanna hear.

I'm sorry for just ignoring your questions entirely. What do I want for my birthday..

After that day, after that moment, I just felt like I didn't deserve anything, ever. I'm a horrible friend, when I'm broke and dry and not even trying to do otherwise. People think I might be lazy, or it's just that I love staying home, or I don't wanna work anymore, and that everything else I say is just excuses.. I would try to correct you, but what matters? You've already made your opinion. You've already made your judgement, and you've already made a silent accusation. And while the words might not pop out, the meaning does... and it really hurts.

So... until I get myself fixed up and figured out, stay away. Stay away, because I don't have money. Stay away because I can't do things for YOU, let alone with myself. Stay away, because I can't afford anything. Stay away, because I'm not worth it. Just go away.

Stay away. I'm warning you. You've been warned. Just leave me alone.