It's wasn't a series of events or a flashback.. more to certain things some people said at one point of time in my life.
Back in choir and people telling me to have some faith in myself. People telling me that I had a talent for singing, people saying they'll vote and what not. Dawn telling me to sing louder into the mic, instead of being so damn afraid of it. Before the group split and when we were still close and how we played catching at 2am in the morning, or how Ernie, Drey and I used to sound like when we sang songs with SATB parts.
I'm glad I joined the choir at one point in my life. Dramatic as it was..
The day mom told me she had cancer, and how that changed everything in my life. I wanted to run away from everything. When she had that affair for so long, and how I wish I could just ditch it all and run far away.. thinking maybe I could run far enough to make it all go away.
School and my FT telling me that it's no point joining, I'd never win since it's based off a voting competition and I have no one to back me up on my side. My malay teacher smirking at me in class whenever I had to read a composition. In malay. The time she borrowed my pencil and didn't return it for 1 week till I asked back for it. My maths teacher giving up hope on me. Literally. My english teacher ignoring my talent for the english language. Pretending like I wasn't the best in the class, when everyone knew I *was* the best in class. Lol.
Nadia and I singing EVERY other MT lesson we didn't have to go for. Skipping classes, skipping lessons, skipping detention, never doing homework... Running. I was the first runner for relays, always the fastest. Girls would come up to me and ask how'd I outrun them. Back in NCC days.. the NCC anthem. Me getting the award for Best Cadet, much to everyone else's jealousy. Yet look at where they are now, and look at where I am. I'd give anything to be where they are.
Dad getting into a drink-driving accident. How she didn't even care.. and I felt so far away. My half brother telling me not to bother and that I'm better off without him. The day he called and she never answered. He left a message, she never called back, and she never told me he called either.
Jem walking me to the train station after the movie was over on our first day out. Him telling me after that it was probably better if we stayed friends. Another day of coffee and he was telling me about another girl. He had to fly over for studies. I missed him, I did.
Uncle Frank passing away. The only man I ever had as a father figure in my life and he was gone. He couldn't remember me in his final days, and I had to hear him beg how he wanted to go home.. not die in a home.
Toys R Us.. first time learning to mop up the floors, much to the manager's dismay.. I proved to be quite the disappointment - but I learned quick. Charcos.. him telling me I was the best server they had. Dancing in the kitchen whenever the manager was off duty. Taking the roasts out from the rotisserie. Slicing the kebab meat off. Being one of the best kebab chefs there.
Debal always protecting me from everything. But even he had to go. I felt so lost, so alone. Then Shea, Avianna, Rinnie, Jason, Emily... and that whole mess of a relationship with Jas. So much being said, so many I love yous, so many promises.. so much disappointment.
That mistake in the cold room.. behind the store. In the shop itself, and feeling so worthless, so helpless. BJ and promises of starting anew.. guys making fun of how slow I was and could be. But I tried to learn and pick up fast as I could. It was a whirl. From becoming a 3, to a 2, to a temporary 1. The fun I had with delivery and looking forward to working with Anna or Isha all the time.
Witnessing to the ugly happen before me. Being told I couldn't trust anyone, even though they're my friends or ex-working colleagues. Even though they're people that decided to hire me. When I learnt that you can never be more lonely than when you are left with no one else except the enemy. Dramatic as it sounded, I really felt like I could die.
A conversation over coffee and telling me how things are done, what has been said, and the want to know about what's the going on. She doesn't see how we can suddenly be so close; and she wanted to know if there was something more. Then she asked if I knew, and even though I did - I said no, and she told me anyway. Maybe there was something in me that reminded her of someone else. I felt like a replacement. That I wasn't worthy of friends unless if I reminded them of someone else. Maybe that's not the case, but it was how I felt. And the memory of things made it feel so real.
Sherlyn and going out.. how she always poked fun at however I dressed. "Hey, shouldn't you be going to the gents?" or "you need to stop dressing up like a guy!" My mom saying that I looked cute, and that tone of worry in her voice if I looked like I lost weight. Funny how you look fine and wonderful to some people, and you look like something else to someone else.
I'm only turning 21 this year.. but after recollecting everything, and piecing up yesterday's dreams.. it feels like I've lived one whole lifetime to remember. Or forget.
I feel so old.
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