The Ripped Soul

Smoking a stick and listening to All I wanted by Paramore. Emo much? Lol.

Was finally talking to mom about things and what I wanna do. Was explaining what I said to Joce over the phone when she was talking to me about working permanently at Wayne's Mom's place down in Botanic Gardens.

When I say I can't commit to anything, I mean it. I - can't - commit - to - anything. And think what you will, but it's no excuse. Why would I say "no" to working and earning money?

I've had 5 job offers. 10 vacancies I got an eye on.

Shawal's offer at trading. Laurence and working for Steve's Wonder. San and Charco's. (again) Wayne's offer at the restaurant. Lyn's offer at the Icing room. Sam & Diz's offer at Exotiqa. Mysterious Prudential agent that asked if I was interested in being an Insurance Agent for them.

The Cafe Cartel. Liquid Kitchen. Butter Factory. CISCO. Prisons. Gramophone.

But I can't commit, and I already know that WITH a job, you HAVE to commit. You can't just show up one day, and not turn up the next day. Or work a couple of weeks and leave to go someplace else.

And what I mean by that is, - if - the money deal is true. If so help me GOD, my Godmother and her family gets filthy rich, like million dollars rich, I don't even need so much.

They already promised to give me a sum when I was working in Jones. I waited, I worked while my mom took care of my Godmother's mom when she had the stroke.

And recently all of my dreams she asked of me, the things I wanted to do, the places I wanted to go.. study in Shatec, go overseas to the States..

I've always wanted to go to the States, everyone knows it. I didn't earn enough to go when I worked in TRU. In Charc's I wanted to, but mom said I needed to be responsible and pay for things, so I didn't have enough either. When I worked at Jones, mom lost her job and I had to pay for every freaking thing.

If she still HAD her job then, and didn't ask anything of me, I'd have saved enough in 4 months.

I told her that while walking to my Godmother's workplace, and she knew it was true. She knows I'm the sort that if I want something done, it GETS done. If I planned on saving, it didn't matter if I ate or drank, or if I had enough for other activities whenever I go out with my friends. I'd have saved, and she knows it.

But because everything turned out the way it did, this is my predicament now.

I can't express this feeling inside. I was on the edge of tears while explaining how bad I wanted to go, and she knows. It's a dying, burning, desire. A voice screaming to get out. And I want to cry so hard, scream at the whole world, for me to suffer like this.

What suffering, you wonder...

I'm just the kind of person that doesn't like to open up to the world, expose all my dreams, my fantasies and have someone else crush them. Or promise EVERYTHING, only to see later when it all turns to dust.

I hated my dad for doing it to me when I was a kid. All his empty promises. Words said to make me smile, only for me to realize later they were all lies.

I told mom I will work. I'm going to give this millionaire bullshit up till March.

If nothing happens then, then I'm gonna write her off my life. I'll work my ass off part time if I have to. And with what I earn, I am going to fly over to the States, hook or crook. And when I come back, don't expect me to entertain or go out with her or whatever. She could be a millionaire then, but I wouldn't even want a part of it.

I don't like to think of myself as highly righteous. But money can't buy me. They say everyone has a price, but I don't think I do.

Please.. God. Of all the things I have to face in life, let this one be true. Let the money come through, so everyone can be put out of their miseries. And so dreams can come true.