The Ripped Soul

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

So shall I just sit in silence? Perhaps. But my mind still screams out loud, and my fingers type.

Sometimes people look at me, hell, even I look at myself, and on some days I see others having shit for a life. They don't have family, food on the table, money in their pocket, a PC to do things, a friend to talk to, even.

Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful. I might not have a dad, but I have a mom. And she might not be Wonderwoman or Superwoman, but she tries and I love her, despite things. I have a home. We struggle with bills to pay, with the ability of getting food on the table, with having money in our wallets, but we have a home. I have friends. I have friends who are my family, and I have my mom. She's family too.

It's just on some days.. suicide sounds so much better. Ending everything. Ending suffering, ending misery, ending sadness and anger and unhappy memories.

Days when I get yelled at when it's not my fault, days when I have to put on a face mask and pretend the whole world's mighty fine when it's not, days when I'm criticized to an all time low, days of rejection, days when I get so sickened by everything..

Like just now.

Mom comes home, talks to me about brother and his fucking shoes, right? And I tried to tell her that 1) it's NOT his ONLY pair and 2) previously it was FINE if we swapped shoes or if I wore his and he wore mine.

And she just goes "you're still in the wrong. you used his shoes and didn't ask." They say usually you feel better if you accept the blame and stop living in denial.

I try to admit, see and accept my wrongdoing, but even a small voice in my head knows what I did wasn't wrong.

This motherfucker of a brother has taken my stuff, taken my SMOKES, worn my shoes, worn my shirts and clothes, and I haven't even had the nerve to raise hell.

But wear his shoes for one time and I get fucked over.

Times like these I wish I had a jet plane or a yacht or something. I'd just run away from here. Escape. Run into arms that will open and welcome me in comfort.

For days like this, I would be daring enough to say I'd be willing to drop it all, move over and never look back.

But even now.. as it looks, nobody wants me. Shea won't say the words back, and everything is just not acknowledged. We almost fought on fbchat the other day. I went to Tyler's profile and I saw his pictures and one of his WoW characters had her name all over it.

The jealousy and rage I felt.. why would you feel jealous if you don't love the person, right?

Rejection hurts. It seems hard enough to be accepted and loved anywhere.

And all it takes to trigger depression and suicidal tendencies is just one moment. One split second. And it all falls apart.