The Ripped Soul

Wayne asked me today, "hey Jess, you know right? Lyn has Kiji, I have Joce.. but you right, what if one day you went out to dinner with all of us and told us straight up that you're getting engaged, and that you're the FIRST among us to get married? What kind of guy would you go for? And I mean reality check, like in Singapore..."

What kind of guy would I go for? I don't know.

I'm not picky. I know all guys are disgusting. All guys have their peculiar habits. Gamer guys have their need to game, and for most of them their priority is the game before the girls. Music guys have their need to club/play music/jam.. those sessions come before the girls, or they'd tag the girls along if they wanna follow.

Right, but I'm not going to make an entry about categorizing the opposite sex.

My kinda guy is the one that is sweet. He can do whatever he wants to do, so long as I can do whatever I wanna do. If I'm gonna hang out with my girlfriends, I don't want restrictions. He can follow if he wants. If he'd rather do something else, be my guest. I'm independent.

I like the kinda guy that will spend time or make time.. even when there's no time. I like affection, even though I don't show it.

And I know this is gonna sound shallow as hell, but he's gotta look good to me. Last thing I need is to date a guy with no fashion sense whatsoever, or one that doesn't even care to dress up. I love a person for who he is, but if he has no sense of style, no sense of humor, no common motherfucking sense at all to know when a girl's feeling up or down, then.. don't date me.

He could be the biggest asshole, he could wear purple black nike's if he wants. He could have tattoos up his sleeve and down his legs. He could listen to Deep Purple and Metallica, I don't care.

I'm not looking for someone who shares the SAME interests as me.. though it'd be nice if we had things in common. I'd be contented with someone who can be a friend to me. Who can be honest, fun, sexy, sweet and absolutely lovable. I wanna wake up to someone who I'll smile at, not scowl at.

And last but not least, he's gotta love me for who I am.

If he dates me and wants me to wear a dress when I feel like wearing jeans, or wants me to dress like a slut when I dress as I am, then he can go find the next slut hanging around the block.

I probably sound fussy, right? So I knew this, and I told Wayne..

"What about this bro? You got Joce, Lyn got Kiji and I'm the first to die. How's that? My funeral will be the first among all of us."

And Joce said "OK I DONT MIND ALSO"

And for that second my heart strings just tore. A beast inside me just started screaming YEAH MOTHERFUCKER YOU SHOULD'VE JUST CLIMBED THAT DAMN LEDGE SLIPPED AND DIED. And a softer voice whispered Shea, Rinnie, Florida, Anna, Paramore, Lady Gaga, Lyn.

Dramatic, whatever.

Walking around in circles after and I just felt like I should ditch the entire idea of Genting. Pay Lyn the rest of the money for everything else, but I just won't go. Save everything else for Florida.

Just felt so angry at everything.

But I know that would crush Lyn more than anything, since she's actually looking forward to this trip, 9 years and all.

Lesson learnt today : suicidal nerves are dangerous when triggered.

I need to learn how to calm that down again.