I found you, again. Today. And I know I shouldn't have, but I did. And my heart hurts now again, as it did all that time ago.. it hurts like a badly infected wound.
Thank you for the sweet words and for wishing me well. Truth be told I never thought I'd go to the States. But I am, in 10 days. And nothing is going to stop me this time.
I'm glad you've found your share of lovers. I'm glad you could find love again.
I can't really say the same for myself, though. Because frankly after you, there wasn't really anyone for me.
I don't regret you, or what we had. I regret seeing how you had to hurt me, though. Because what we shared was so beautiful. Love.. love was beautiful. But the pain, the agony, the fights, the blame, the miseries.. it made love look so ugly.
The heartache of what we had was like a disease, consuming us whole. What was love? Even we forgot what it was.
I sat here the whole afternoon, looking back on memories and missing you.
But it's better this way. Together or not, all we did was hurt each other. All we did was push love away. Like you said, I killed you. And you killed me too. We murdered us, we murdered what could have been. We murdered our dreams, the wishes and Seth and Sarah.
I forgive the hurt and the pain you've put me through, but it doesn't mean I'm ready to face you again. I probably will never be, because it was too much. It's evident enough that SO much time has passed us and you still think of me, as I think of you.
Call me a coward, I don't really care. I'm just tired of fighting with you, of arguing with you, of crumbling every time we fall apart. We're not good enough for each other. I deserve better, and you deserve someone more than me.
I'm sorry I could never understand whatever rage you were feeling. Why you felt it. I'm sorry for asking the wrong questions. Sorry for all the pain and hurt I caused you.
I'm sorry for a lot of things, but I am not sorry for leaving your house that morning. Because we were killing each other, and the lack of passion and love just dragged whatever we were having. It wasn't healthy. Someone had to end it cleanly, for good.. without constantly hurting the other. And since we had already broken up, but were still hooked on each other.. the only other way was to leave and walk out entirely. And as much as I hated myself for it, I did it.
I'm sorry I hurt you in the end, but it was something we had to do. Something I had to do. Or we wouldn't heal. Even this. I could talk to you, call you or text you, but no. This is an entry, and you may or may not read it. But it will always be here.
Never for a second think I regret you. People might think I should, but I don't. Being with you gave me a chance at experiencing puppy love. It taught me many things, helped me feel many things.. and somehow I feel a little wiser after it all ended.
There are days when I get angry, days when I get frustrated thinking about you and wonder why did it all have to end when love was so beautiful. There are days when I think about you and miss you dearly. There are also days when I remember how I hurt you, and how you hurt me too.
Forgive me for walking out of your life. I wish we could stay friends, but it was evident enough that even as friends.. we couldn't maintain a simple friendship. It was always complicated. Hurting. Painful.
I wish you love, and I wish you well.
Don't beat yourself up so much.
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