I'm sorry, buddy. At least she's not in pain anymore.. not suffering day to day. I'm sorry you had to go through such heartache, such pain, such misery.. seeing someone you love suffer like that. I'm sorry she couldn't stay around longer.
Funny how when I got the news I felt so much.. heartache. There was this stinging pain in my heart. Felt like some part of me died. I think I was heartbroken. Felt that way, anyway.
Maybe we're all connected deeper than we think.
The last time I literally felt this connection was with Jasmin. Then Rinnie.
Not the chemistry, not the connection where you say the same words at the right time, or think alike. Not the "OH MY GOD" when 2 girls see the SAME guy/bag they both like.
It's this feeling like.. Where you feel what the other person is feeling, even when they're away from you.
Like with Jasmin it was whenever something was wrong, or when something was on her mind, or when she was upset or when she missed me so much. I could feel it.. and I would be at home or what not, away from her. But we were together then, so it was always a trip/call/text away.
With Rinnie it would be when she was troubled, or sad, or depressed, or if she had trouble somewhere, or if she really missed me that she was thinking of me.. I could sort of tell. And I would call or text her and she would be like "OMG I WAS JUST THINKING OF YOU" ...Yuuuup.
Pretty freaky stuff, but when I woke up this morning, I felt the heartache, the pain and grief.
Things you feel when someone you love dearly passes on.
And I don't normally wake up feeling like that.
Weird stuff.
Anyways, hung with Anna because I didn't want to leave her alone by herself. And I kinda snapped at her when we were talking about Race to Witch Mountain.
I'm sorry.
Just with everything, recent events.. reading Eat, pray, love and remembering what it was like to be with Jasmin, and just everything about the relationship I had just frustrates me. It makes me angry. And maybe I'll never admit this in real life, but I'm still hurting. It just doesn't show. Perhaps.
Like talking about it the other day with Lyn and she mentioned that Kiji came back for her.
Mine never did.
Not saying that I want her to. I don't. I'm moving on, I'm trying to move on.
Truth be told, I've been single for so long (both online and offline) that sometimes I just don't feel passionate anymore. And it somewhat scares me, because that's something about myself that I don't wish to lose. I've felt it before when I was with her and it was fucking wonderful. Passion, desire, romance... love.
So sometimes.. (let me get to the point) when someone mentions something to do with her, or mentions an incident, or an outing, or even when they blatantly openly purposely talk about how I felt back then - I will just snap.
So for example, a painful memory would be the names Seth and Sarah.
Because once upon a time, we talked about kids and having a family and adopting. (I know, right? We were young and we were talking family things. Something I learnt.) And I told her I'd name the girl Sarah, and we both agreed that the boy would be named Seth. And sometimes we'd just talk about our dreams with Seth and Sarah and pictured how wonderful it would be.
Seth and Sarah were my dreams, my happy dreams. And they died along with whatever promises and dreams she made when she called it quits. I took the fucking shovel and buried all of it the moment I left her house months after the break up.
It still hurts, but the wound is not fresh. It's like a dull pain, a bad scar that hurts from time to time.
So I'm sorry if you happen to ask about my ex, and if I happen to snap at you. I try my hardest to be as civilized as possible.. but I'm only human, and my feelings are subject to anger when bad memories trigger.
And she's pretty much a bad memory.
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