The Ripped Soul

At DFS, I walked by Harrod's and there was a familiar smell. It was you. Your smell. The way you smelled when you woke up in the morning. When the wind blew through your hair, when I caught your scent off guard. Whenever you walked by me in Pizza Hut as I sat there and watched you work it.

That familiar smell. Like a mix between Vanilla and Marshmallows. So warm, so inviting, so filling.. so soft and sweet.

I ran in and smelled all the bears. I found it. He was the last one there, all creamy white and furry. I had to have him, not because he was adorable like you, but because he smelled just like you. And the very smell made me remember so much that I had to have him. He was like a drug just smiling at me from behind the shelf.

I know you gave me Gir and the banana to remind me of you now and always, and they're sleeping next to me, but your scent on them is not as strong as this bear.

I miss you, even though we never had a fuck, much less a kiss. I was lucky if I ever had a day with you, and I had a couple, so I'm lucky, I guess.

There was love, I saw it when you laughed during that air hockey match. When you hopped over to talk to me at Pizza Hut. When you were so amused about me and Dr. Pepper. When you were helping me open my box of headphones. Whenever I woke you up in the morning and ruffled your hair, when I made you the box of hot pockets for breakfast. When you sat next to me on the sofa and dragged your blankets with you. When you gave me Gir, when you gave me the banana and smiled when I said "Well I'd give you a popsicle.. but I haven't seen a popsicle toy in my life."

You wrote me a message, as I wrote you that letter..

I really hope that you had a good time here and that it was everything you hoped it would be. I'm happy that you decided to come all the way over here and that I got to share a week of my life with you. my only regret is that I couldn't make your stay a little more comfortable and a lot less ghetto lol maybe next time you come, if you even want to come back, I'll have a big, nice place you can stay in. and if you ever want me to, I will come to singapore, I promise. it sounds kind of cheesy but you've helped me appreciate the little things about birmingham. my friends, and I of course, all think you're cool as hell so you're more than welcome here any time. And I just wanted you to know that I do love you. I'm sorry I couldn't have spent more time with you. I'm sorry everything was messed up. I will admit, and you know I don't like to, as I was walking back to my car I started crying. I hope when you get back home that you don't have too many bad things to say about me or alabama. thank you for spending time with me. I really did enjoy every minute of it.

I'm cool as hell apparently.

I wish you didn't say that you loved me too, because now my heart just screams with heartache, with jealousy poisoning it's system. I know you don't.. you never did.

I was jealous of whatever chemistry you shared with M because I wish I could have had that with you. But it was clear as ice. It was apparent. It was like how at the table at Hooters, all of us were laughing inside at how his wife is such a fucking moron.

Do I want you to come to Singapore? Of course. Always. I would definitely plan out a schedule and do shit. Instead of hang legs and wonder omfgwtf am I gonna do with her today.. Haha. Not that it was always the case since we always had something up our sleeves.

I knew that you would cry, because I saw it in your eyes as I was leaving. And I had my shades on, otherwise I would've cried, too. I would've kissed you, but I didn't want that to be my last regret if I felt that you didn't kiss me back.

I came and did what I had to do. I came to visit you, I came to see you and be with you. I came to visit America and see what it was like, I came to be your friend, because you felt like you didn't have one. And like I said, I had fun, and I hoped you did, too.

I hope life treats you kind, and I hope you have all you dreamed of.. and I wish you joy, and happiness... but above all this, I wish you, love. Even if it's not with me. Even if it breaks my heart.

There's nothing else I can say, but I love you, Shea. I love you. I always have and there will always be a part of me that probably always will.