My head is just full of worry over what is gonna happen. Bad news seems to be multiplying faster than bacteria. I'm sick of this shit. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!
First it was "I'm probably gonna be working a lot while youre here."
I told her it was fine. We talked about it, right? I could easy hang by myself. PLUS we could still go out and stuff before/after her shifts.
Then it so happens I saw her on facebook and I talked to her, then she goes "Oh I don't know if you got my text, but I'm homeless now"
What the fuck, bro?
It's really cool that you're jumping house to house, but now that I'm finally going, where the fuck am I gonna stay when you've already promised that I could stay with you AND now you're telling me that you haven't a place to go?
I can't describe the worry and the stress and the lack of sleep I have just thinking about it.
I told a number of people, hoping they could solve my own predicament. They can't.
No one has a solution and I'm panicking like a maaaaaaaaaad motherfucker.
And some of them have been asking me to reschedule, postpone or cancel the flight entirely.
I can't do that. Not because of the penalty.
If I really wanted to, the US currency I have with me will solve that on it's own. But I can't. I've been waiting for so long.. for this moment. For this flight, for whatever that it would take for me to get there.
Postponing would kill me. And don't even get me started on cancellation. I have been waiting for this for SO long. Since I worked at Charc's and even before that. For every second of every day since then. Even when I was in a relationship. I wanted this so badly.. and then the move to BJ, and knowing I couldn't go because I was a full-timer. Tolerating 8 months of hell, and I still couldn't go. Then last December when my Godmother promised I could go.. and the promise was shit. This April when I was promised again, but I still couldn't because she never came through. Right now my mom is doing everything to make my dream come true, and I can't just kill it like that.
It's not fair to her, or me.
I need to live. I cannot go on waiting for something anymore.
Everyone's got something going good for them, a school module, a job, a life. I'm like, a living corpse at home that goes out with friends from time to time. I work a part time job, here and there when they call. If they don't, then I'm fucked, right? And I couldn't get a more stable, permanent job because of all these flight plans. I was tied down like a bird either way. If it wasn't the job, it was the idea of the flight.
I can't live that life anymore. I'm tired of it, and I'm stuck. I need to move. I need to move on. I don't know how else to explain it. Which is why I need to get this over and done with.
And for those STILL asking at this point, "so how are you feeling now Jess?"
I'm excited. Nervous. Scared. Panicky. Depressed. Sad. Angry. Hopeful, yet hopeless. Helpless. Lost. Disappointed. Heartbroken.
Because everything I've given up just to look forward to this, it's all falling apart. Put the highest degree and the highest amount of hope, the highest amount of dream and wish and prayer that everything would be awesome and it's slowly turning itself to shit.
It's like I've sacrificed so much to only get stuck in this predicament where everyone is like OMG IM SO SORRY I CANT HELP BUT HERES HOPING YOU'LL BE OK.
No one is jumping on balls to help me out or get a roof over my head or offering to jump in this black hole with me.
I feel so.. fucked. So fucked over. Alone. Lonely. There's no other word.
And when I tell my mom this, if she doesn't flip tits the size of Pamela Anderson, she's shooting shit back at me like "hey, you asked for this right? You wanted to go to the States, right? You wanna cancel? You can cancel and we can pay the penalty, it's fine with me"
I just can't. And she knows that.
And I'm hoping there's gonna be some sort of a solution, but if there isn't.. then hey, the next worst possible scenario is there's a real hijacker on the plane and halfway through to Tokyo or Houston the son of a bitch will start screaming "Allah Akbar!" and next thing you know, the song playing on my iPod would be "can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars.."
If that really happens, then make a wish that the plane lands safe, okay?
Okay.
No comments:
Post a Comment