I hate happy music. I don't feel like facing the world, and my two favorite activities are now smoking and sleeping. Smoking gets me in trouble with my mother, so all I'm left with is sleeping. Otherwise, it's stoning, and that too she seems to have a problem with, because I'm like a dead corpse staring at the ceiling.
So basically, everything I do is wrong.
I went out with her to run errands. I watched her get a new phone. When I was at the counter, this chinese assistant, Elyssa, totally messed up and kept apologizing for making mistakes. Then she couldn't take out the phone battery from the phone and had to shyly ask me for help. Cute. Mom noticed. She was like, "why is it that the girl started to 'gabra' the moment you stood there?"
The hell I know. Maybe because I create feelings in others that they themselves don't understand.
Like Shea. And that fountain that she fell into.
I miss her. With all my heart and all my soul, I do.
You know what sucks? When you long for someone so much, and it seems like they don't even want you.
But what would you know, right?
You probably live the perfect life.
Right now it feels like I've got no one. I text Shea, she never replies. I've never heard from her since AL, and at the looks of things, I may never see her unless if I trip down to AL again.. which sounds stupid as fuck. But also sounds like something I might do.
I'm gonna move out of this joint soon, and where I'm going, only God knows. One second I hear I might have to live with one of my uncles, the next my aunt says I can crash at her's, the other second I hear that I might have to live with my future in-laws... someone shoot me.
My mother doesn't think for me, but all this is stressing me out just as hard.
I can't get a job because it would lower our chances of getting a house, and guess what? With no job, it means I have no income. Someone cue in my relatives to put in a bad word about me.
It didn't help that back in the hospital, one of my uncles was on my back about my long term plans and short term plans.
You keep telling me I need papers. Without the paper, I ain't going no where.
Truth is, I would like to study. I would. I would like to go the straight road everyone takes. They study, get out, get a job, put the bread on the table, bring the bacon home.
I would love that. Be like whatshisname or whoeverthatis and go to Australia to work just to bring home the bacon. Work for some rich company, hell, maybe even be their own boss. Drive nice cars, have a couple of nice cards. Dress in a suit and tie. Wear shiny shoes.
But I was not built to have nice things, and I learnt that early. So whatever life throws at me, I work it out. I work on it.
Didn't matter if I was 12 or 21. It's still the same. It's always the same.
Even in death.
And it's so fucking frustrating. It's extremely exhausting to enjoy the masquerade and put on a festive mask all the time. It's tiring to need to have myself pulled together always. Like I can dig it, like I can handle it.
I want to break. I want to breakdown and cry. I want to grieve. I want myself to feel so broken on the outside as I am already on the inside.
I'm exhausted of hiding my tears inside, while trying to be strong for everyone else. I feel depressed, I feel sad, I feel broken.
I feel lonely.
Is that so hard to comprehend?
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