The Ripped Soul

because sometimes people do actually feel that way. sometimes your life feels like it's caving in on you. sometimes people really do feel like they don't want to exist, like they just want to curl up in a ball and go into that place between life and death. saying "i don't want to exist" isn't saying "i want to go die." it's saying "i wish that, for the time being, i could go somewhere and not have to feel." i don't think there's anything wrong with that. and if you don't know how it feels to feel this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does.

I'm tired of living. Actually no. I love to live this life. I loved my life. I was in the States, I wish I had friends there, or some kind of family, but I had no one. I was still happy. Just that loneliness would get the better part of me some nights.

All those days working with my best friends? I hated people, I hated the things said, I hated things that might happen.. but when we stuck together? Everything worked out fine. We had our fun, all the night through till the end.

Running off to my best friend's house to have dinner/slack and chill out/smoke - the best ever.

Now it's all just different. I feel like breaking down, crying, you haven't the slightest idea.

What is your life now?

When you're out, you know what's waiting for you when you get home, right? A nice, warm shower, a warm towel, a warm bed to sleep in... an air-con, if not a fan...

Doesn't that sound wonderful?

I sleep on the floor. I'm lucky if I get the fan. Luckier if I get a mattress.

When you wake up, you know that you can just raid the kitchen and have food, or you know that your mom would have cooked something, right?

I watch people eat here.

Does that say enough?

I can fix up my xbox, I can't play my xbox.

I can hook up the cable, but I can't watch the channels I want to watch.

I can buy cigarettes, but I must be prepared to share the sticks.

Why do you think I get pissed off or annoyed when people complain about their living conditions? Why do you think I start to get so damn fucking grumpy when everyone "has to go home" ?

I DREAD coming here. To this place. Like I would really rather be..

I can't even say "anywhere else" because that would just be a lie.

I just want my life back.

I want my fortress of solitude. I want my ham, my pork, my coke untouched and knowing that when I come home, I will have my drinks there. I want to have a proper lunch or dinner at home, instead of eating out all the time. I want my mom to live with me, not across the road while I come here and sleep alone.

I'm so fucking tired of being alone.

Now do you understand my misery? Probably not. But there you have it.

I would give anything to go anywhere else and come back happy again. Like Alabama. And when
I came back, I was different. I was happy. I felt it inside.

Everything changed after that.