The Ripped Soul

Dear dad,


You know, dad, I don't know if you'll ever read this. Maybe never. But my friends will. And if I happen to pass away someday, and you're still alive to attend my funeral, they can tell you what I was never able to do. When he told me about you on MSN, how you were a drunk driver, how you were an alcoholic, how you were so abusive, how you were such a liar, cheating everyone - how bad you could be. I didn't hate you. I wasn't infuriated with you. I wasn't ashamed of you. In fact, as shocking as it could be, dad, I still loved you.


I was sad I couldn't be there to help you through your rough times. Angry that he didn't understand. Angry that he chose to leave you alone. It didn't help you.. all it did was make it worse. Or well, at least that's how it looked like to me. I wished I could be there to help you cope with your drinking problem, make sure you didn't get in trouble with the authorities, tell you not to do such stupid things. I always believed that you can change. If you want to. I was actually willing to give you that much of a chance. Last I heard, he said you were getting better. And I hope you are. At least I know then that God really does answer prayers when a little girl cries them out loud in His house.


I told some people about you and how they should be lucky they had fathers to go home to. Some people.. who I thought were my friends. But you know what? They told me you deserved to go to jail the moment they heard of the bad things you did. ALL except ONE. My best friend. She knew I still loved you. So much. Somewhere deep deep down in my heart. Despite the countless mistakes you made.


Father's day[s] can come and go, friends will tell me of the times their dads brought them out, or about the days where they went shopping to get something for their dads. Envious, it truly was, you know? I wished I was just like them. Perfect family and all. Mom would always tell me of the times when you were still around.. how you brought my brother and her out EVERY Sunday without fail. How you'd buy my brother things. Even though he wasn't your kid. You treated him like a son. When you had your bad days, you never took it out on her. All you did was leave the house and come home drunk. Then there were days when she'd remind me that you left us. Days where I'd question myself on why you left. Why didn't you stay? Who was she to you? Why did you have to leave? Was it really worth it? Then there were times when such OLD songs seemed so familiar. Songs by Chicago, Eagles.. and then I found out. You LOVED those bands. Listened to their songs everytime in the car when you drove mom around when she was pregnant with me. You know, wherever I go, I hear those titles play, and you're the first person I'll ever think about. And she can tell me all sorts of things, you know...


But still. I loved you. Unbelievable, huh?


Even after all that, I loved you still.


Even after all your past mistakes. Even after all that broken promises. Even after forgetting my birthdays. Even after forgetting to call time after time. Even after leaving me and mom here like that.


And you know what dad? Even after all this, I'll still love you. I always have. And I always will. And I hope you know that.


Jess.

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Maybe I'm just typing that because I miss him terribly.
Maybe I'm just typing that cos I'm sick of the hurt she's been giving me.
Maybe I just typed all that, just to let him know that I still love him. Mistakes and all.


I know I'm a messed up kid. Don't remind me.