The Ripped Soul

DON'T READ IF YOU'RE NOT INTO RANTS. GO FUCK OFF IF YOU GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO. GO. Alt+F4 is the key.

I love you. So much, it hurts. Thanks for acting like you cared. "Come, let me cut your nails." You rush it through, you throw my hand aside. He calls. What am I supposed to think? To feel?

I check my nails as tears blur my vision. Its not cut properly. Even I could do it better blindfolded. You talk fast on the phone. Suddenly you yearn to meet him more than to cut my nails. I know it. I feel it. I walk out. I walk in my room, shut the door. You scold again like its my fault. ITS MY FAULT WHAT! I walk out when you are too busy for me - MY FAULT. I'M THE FUCKER BEING RUDE WHAT! When I ask you, where and you going, who are you meeting, you shout back at me like I have no right to know.

Who's the rude one here?

I wish I could just do the same when you ask me where I'm going, who I'm out with. I wish I could just do it so you'll know how it feels like.

I go in my room. I shut my door. I cry silently. WHO KNOWS? WHO CARES? No one. Not you, not my brother. He comes in, he sees me like that, all he says is, "eh. go watch dodgeball on tv. bloody funny show." and he shuts the door. I don't know what's better. That, or talking to me and asking me what's wrong.

Where's my hiding place? Where're you - the person who's supposed to fill my heart with the song of deliverance? The person I can trust whenever I'm afraid? Insecure? The one person I can rely on whenever something goes wrong in my life? The listener? The adviser? The person who's gonna hide me away from all my fears? Where're you when I need you most?

She's sick. You know it. She's a walking time bomb. And she does all these things. I hate it. She should know it. Have I not shown her enough signs? What do I need to do? Spell it out for her? Its like being in a love-hate relationship and I FUCKING HATE IT. So much for the I love yous and everything else. She doesn't even mean it. I was just a doll. I was always the doll. Everyone always used the doll.

Be it to comfort themselves or make a mickey out of me, or make me believe they loved me. All the hugs, the kisses, the i love yous, the "you're an angel sent to me by God.", the you're a joker, the best thing that has ever happened to me, best friend, lover, soulmate, the girl of my dreams.... Whenever the doll wore wings, she was an angel. Taken off, she was just a doll. When the doll was smelly and soaked with tears, the doll gets hugged. Loved. Showered with affection. Then when everything starts to be okay, the doll gets thrown back on the top of the shelf.

That's what happens when you take people for granted. You end up with people like me having all these thoughts.

I don't get it. If she wanted to see someone, why him? Why see people who have their own lives to take care of? Why not go back to my dad? Why? You know how much I hate this. Must I show it in your face that I hate you doing what you do? Its like, I'd rather her be independent than see all these fuckers. I hate them. I hate you. As my tears fell, all you did was walk out the door and never look back. Because of him.

You just don't love me anymore.

I have cried so many times today, from the movie, to seeing parents play sports and have quality time with their kids, to watching Natalie Cole's life story, to hearing what you had to say. Thanks a lot. I'm being misunderstood cos you never understood me in the first place. Someone tell me why I'm still here. Why I've not become like other juveniles and rebelled against the whole world. Someone tell me why I still bother to tolerate all this bullshit. Other kids would have just picked up and left. Period. Why do I still hold on? Is it because I know she's all I got left? Is it because I know for a fact she's so sick, she might die and its scary? Why can't she understand me? Is it so hard? Why?

Does she even really love me in the first place? And if she does, why is she doing all these things that hurt me?