The Ripped Soul

Hmm. Watched "I not stupid too" today with Amanda. Nice show. Teared at so many parts of the movie. Especially when Shawn and Jack were arguing at the foot of the block, the words exchanged.. phew. And those "hia di kia" didn't know whether or not to help the fella, and when the guy's friend could just stand there and watch before running off eventually. Or.. when that ah beng fella was fighting everyone and when his dad came to help him, the assholes pushed his dad and he fell down the stairs, which led to his death. And all his son could do was watch. Tsk. And the lines "I have failed as a mother/father.." Sad, sad, sad.

Then of course, the funny parts. The principal who didn't know how to converse in mandarin well.. things like that. Hah. Or how parents say that you can't do this, can't do that, but yet they do it themselves. And when you have the look on your face, they say like "we can do it cos its urgent.." etc.

The blogging bit is what caught me most though. I feel like.. that's what all the youths are doing. Or what most of them are doing, anyway. Like when they can't talk to their parents, they do it on blog. They vent and vent and vent.. and eventually, just like the movie, they just shut everyone out. No one listens, all parents do is scold and scold and scold.. and there's no end to it. Child ends up feeling so.. misunderstood, child leaves the house to look for peace elsewhere, ends up doing unpleasurable stuff like joining gangs cos he feels like his "brothers" care for him more than his parents.. makes some mistakes, doesn't learn, get punished, parents scold and scold and scold... and it repeats. Over and over again.

Just like what I did/am doing.

Because of the situation now, she just starts talking to me. Starts saying "i love you", starts hugging me and stuff. And I just feel awkward. I mean, after being neglected for so long, and she starts doing this all now cos of the things that have happened.. it just feels weird. I feel almost like as if I was a doll and she's using me to comfort herself. Awkward, awkward, awkward. Awkward actions, and its so awkward for me to.. talk to her. Normally. Just like the movie goes, before all I used to say was "ah, mmm, orh." All those monosyllabilic answers. And when parents want to just talk to you now, its weird. Awkward. Like there's a barrier between the two that's hard to break. Tsktsk.

Saw some kids downstairs. One was playing badminton with his granddad. One was playing badminton with his mom and dad. One was playing with his dad. One of the kids slid down the slide to be welcomed in the arms of his dad.

I wonder if their life really is that beautiful. Like the perfect family picture painting. Sometimes I wish I could just wake up living that kinda life.

You wake up, you have a mom, you have a dad, you have a brother who doesn't pick on you.. your parents aren't workaholics, they spend time together, they give you freedom, but know how to limit it to certain extents, they aren't dying of sicknesses, they never shout and scream at you, they never use their hand against you unless you're getting too out of hand, they shower you with love everyday and not as and when they like, they don't force you to do things you don't want, they believe you, they don't do anything outside so as to cheat the feelings of everyone in the family, they're always there to listen to you, not as a parent everytime but as a friend as well..

The perfect parents. Parents who ACE parenthood. Parents who REALLY know what's best for the child. THEIR child.

As I type this, my tears fall. Why? Is my life really that bad? Or am I so blind so as to not know how much effort my mother is putting in to see me grow up? Or is it because I know I'm asking for too much and I should be grateful I even have a mother who's working her fucking ass off to support me? Sigh. Tears. All they do is just drop and fall and drop and fall. So much for emotional stability. Or being the lion who puts on the brave front. Or being the great pretender. Hah.

Curtains fall, and so does the mask.

I'm such a weakling.