The Ripped Soul

Hah. Finally, I'm in a good mood.

Malay B.....


PASSED!

WOOHOOOOO! Now for every mother tongue period, I don't have nothin' to do cep' concentrate on other stuff. Alleluia. Praise God.

I sooooo... goddamn thought I'd fucking fail o' somethin. After I heard this top scorer getting a B3 for maths, I just thought, "shit. if this good fella can simply score a b3, what more me? Die. die. die. Fail. fail. fail."

Then he called me.

he: Jessica?
me: yeah?
he: Congratulations, you passed.

The moment he said "YOU PASSED." and when I saw the paper stating I passed, I just went hysterical.

I was cheering and going woo-hoo and all punched my arm in the air and hugged Rach and cheering and...

GOD.

I was so fucking happy. Everyone around me was just looking at me like as if I was some fucking mad lunatic. Then came the congrats from friends, and the snatching of the paper from everyone to actually see what it was all about.

Whatever man.

I passed when I thought I'd fail, and that's a fucking feat for me, no matter what you say or think. (:

Shit. Still can't fucking believe it. And this is just ONE teeny subject from O's. What if I got the yellow paper for Idol? HAHAHA. Don't even wanna think about it. Damn auditions tomorrow and I can't fucking join.

But yeah. Like the saying goes: with every good news, bad news follows.

She's been crying ever since I told her, and I just don't know how to react. Isn't she supposed to be my role model? The person who's supposed to set the example? She told me off the other time. Sure, she has feelings. FUCK. I know. What she take me as? Some cold retarded bitch who can't fucking feel nuts? SO WRONG. But in that night itself I managed to voice out my feelings.. its just a matter of which she'd understand or not.

Sigh. This seriously sucks. Everytime I see her break, I just feel sad. Like its my fault. And I feel so helpless.. and I know its affecting me cos I keep wanting to break whenever I recall the scene in my mind. During class, recess, lunch break. Whatever. As long as I don't have anything on my mind, I'd just drift back to the tears. And it fucking sucks. And it worries me like hell. How she'd be doing at work, or how she'd do the moment she's out of my sight. She's playing the great pretender now cos I asked her to. Told her to put it all behind her. Somehow I feel its wrong, but crying over it is just .. fucked up. And I'm clueless. Really.

I just simply seriously don't know what to do. There's no solution I can come up with. Sigh... this totally feels like an experiment gone wrong. So fucking wrong. Its like.. you fucking know what the answers are supposed to be, but you get the practical all wrong and screwed up. Bummer. Where's my best friend who used to help me out of everything? Gone with the wind? Sigh.

to aj: got your well-wishes from rach. thanks. hope you did well for ur papers. oh, and uh, if i can pass malay, you passed as well too, no doubt. since we used the same frasa berbunga and did the same compo.. hah. so yeah. congrats for that. i don't really know the rest of your results, but i presume you did just as well. so.. congrats! all the best to you in whatever you're gonna do now. take care yeah?

with love,
me.