The Ripped Soul

Had parent's day in the morning. While all my other classmates got to rest till 9am++, Me and my council members had to get our asses there by 730am. But it was fun tho. I got to see her run up and down, ushering parents.. and we had a chat as well. But just for a lil bit. And I got to usher Rach with like, 10 pairs of eyes on me cos I brought Rach one BIG round before bringing her to her seat. Funny. Then all the jokes the ushers were bringing up and about. Who should go first, who was popular, who was better.. etc. But sigh.. with good things, bad things always follow.

Just as I finish ushering something like 10 parents to their seats..

"Hi, good morning. May I know what class is your child from? Oh okay. This way please."

I'm going to get SO sick of that line.

Anyway, so then I finished ushering right? I saw him. Mr A. Greeted him with a slight bow, but he shot me a dirty look? And said "Hi.." like he was forced to?

WTF? So now, just what does this mean? That I'm the public enemy no.1 of Fuckley? The one student that all the teachers hate?

What the flying fuck man. Why do I always disobey my instincts when they tell me things I should do to protect my fucking self? I told myself not to go back to this shithole last year. Why did I not listen? Why, dammit, why? Now I've to suffer 6 months under hell. IN EVERY FUCKING CLASS. All these teachers. They're gonna kill me if I don't kill myself first. Someone just kill me, please. I fucking beg of you.

So then anyway. Screw him, I did my duty, I got my books, I saw my remarks.. All Cs and a F. Am I amazing or what? It totally spells f-a-i-l-u-r-e and s-t-u-p-i-d-i-t-y please. My mentor was begging me to do something about it. I had to pass. He says I got the potential. But do I? Give me a choice and I'll tell you I don't even wanna perform distinction-style. Sure, it was my choice to come back. But it was not by will, but pressure, instead.

Ran home. Saw her mingling with my classmates, so I just wanted to get out of her sight. The last thing I'll ever fucking need. The thought of going to her class on Monday just to see her face scares the fucking shit out of me. I don't know what kind of shit and hell I'm going to get from her for the crap I did and said. But let's just pray for me to be strong enough to handle this bitch for 6 months, okay?

Dressed up, packed, went to Sentosa with the babes. Rach and AJ. They wanted a tan, I wanted to relax and chill out. So many things were on my mind. Wayne, debts, lectures, counselling, her, him, every other teacher that gives me that dirty look..

Took a bus down, waited, and we went to Sentosa. They still live on buses. No more monorails. SIGH. Went to Tanjong Beach cos SOMEONE said the place'll be empty. But there were mats and people with dogs all over the place. So much for being empty, eh? But funny though. The moment we decided on where to unpack, Rach pointed to the Island across and asked the MOST stupidest questions.

"Eh. What's the dog doing there? How did the man get there? What's the man doing there? How did the dog get there? Eh?"

Made me crack up like one fucking lunatic la please. It may not seem funny to you now.. but her dumbness of a blonde was just hilarious la fuck. And my reply to her 2nd qn.. "How did the man get there?" ... I said "HE WALKED ON WATER!" Before cracking up. AJ rebutted my joke by saying "Eh. You think what? He Jesus Christ or something?" Made me laugh even harder.

Stripped and jumped in the water. Got back, those two fellas were applying suntan lotion and sunblock. Not my thing. So played with the sand for awhile.. but I wasn't really in the mood for sandcastles. So I ran back to the water and dunked myself in. Felt good. Refreshing. For awhile. But once they joined me and when the chemicals started setting in, and there was grease floating on the water.. and after I started smelling like carrot extract.. I felt like shit man, please. Played for abit in the water. Then Rach went back cos she couldn't swim any further. Was deciding with AJ on whether or not we should swim across to the other island. I was afraid I wouldn't make it the moment I started panicking. I haven't swimmed independently for a LONG time. Like the last time was what? P3? P4? The rest of the times I played with the water, I always stayed close to shore. Never gone further. Decided to give it a shot anyway, after deciding a second time.

So we swam. At first, I was okay with dog paddling. Then something brushed against my foot. THEN the water got FUCKING cold. And I mean COLD. Colder than ice water cold. I panicked. My lower part of my body surrendered. I tried to feel for the ground. My neck went under. My mouth started swallowing sea water. PANIC. I looked at AJ. She was swimming SO far away. I prayed like hell I fucking tell you. Prayed to God to give me back the skills I had so long ago. I flipped over the other side and started swimming backwards.

Now I tell you, for the last 5 years of my life, whenever I went "swimming" with my friends, I have NEVER been able to swim backwards and do backstroke.

But I managed to do it yesterday afternoon. Moral of the story? Miracles do happen afterall. Even though they're just tiny ones.

"Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay fucking calm, you stupid bitch. Unless you want to fucking die." I told myself. My breath quickened. Salt water washed on my face, got in my nose. I looked ahead of me. Two people were swimming to my direction, and they were SO fast. I really did suck. I panicked again. SHIIIIT. Turned over, got my face wet, hair was all over my face, I was blinded. Dog paddled. Furiously. Dived. Saw nothing but black. Shore was so far away. Got MORE tired. Gasped for air. My arms were killing me. They just wanted to stop. My knees hurt like shit. I just wanted to surrender and die. AJ, already nearing shore, looked at me and looked so worried, yet so elated cos she swam a lil faster than me. If I had a shotgun, I'd have shot her straight in her face. Turned over. Backstroked again. And I recalled everything he said and did all those nights when I was just a kid.

Stay calm. Don't kick. Don't fight me away. Go with the flow. Flow with the water, flow with the current. Stay afloat. Close your eyes. Breathe slowly.

I teared. Too much to take. Too fucking much. My spirit was too weak to go any further. I prayed to God to just let the shore be near. Turned over. Dived one last time, frogged 5 times and I stopped. I let my feet touch the ground. SOFT GROUND AT LAST. I staggered on shore.

Did the sign of the cross the moment I sat myself next to AJ. Took all the breaths I needed to take. She was laughing. See la. This kind of best friend also got. HOW LIKE THAT? Anyone else out there ready to send in your resume to fill in for her place? Kidding. I love that girl, even though we argue and hurt each other like crazy countless times.

Walked around. Wanted to see what was so nice about the stupid island. ALSO GOT NOTHING. Wah liew.. But shiok. Can hear music from there. Haha. Rested for awhile, waved back to Rachelle who attemped taking pictures from where she sat. When we were ready, AJ and I swam back. Same thing happened. Panicked the moment I felt cold water all over my body. Turned over, let the currents flow me back to shore, but AJ was shouting, "JESS! Swim! You're floating to the other end!" And I was halfway done. The water was still deep. Too deep. I looked at the skies. There was an opening. "God, don't you take me now. I'm not ready to go yet and you damn well know it." I looked harder and light shined through the hole. Turned over, paddled like crazy. And I mean crazy. "Must survive. Will not die. Will not give up. Will not give in. I must survive." Paddled harder. Dived down under for a few metres. Saw the brown coloured ground. Swam up to shore. Huffed, puffed, but there weren't any houses to blow down. Staggered over to Rach and AJ.

After picture taking and packing, and after we decided what to do, we left. Showered, took a bus back. Had a fucking splitting headache on the bus so I left them after watching FRAGILE for home. Wanted to go for choir, but my head was feeling DAMN heavy.

Came home and rested. My mother came back and I got hell. More headache. So much for thinking that I could rest and relax with music. I've still got a fucking migrane. Urgh. MONDAY. Die, lah. Some more, no more BTs. That means I'll still have to see all of them during sssp and dsts.

SIGH. Can my life NOT get any worse than it already is?