The Ripped Soul

Its that time of the month again for me.

No wonder I was so damn bitchy the last few days. Anyone who got bitten by my bitchy self, my apologies okay? Like for one would be Benedict. Told him to SHUT UP when he annoyed the living daylights out of me just now. I'm normally more tolerant than that. And Nick who asked me that question yesterday, before getting bitten by a nasty comeback.

Sorry guys. Didn't mean to.

Crazy day today. Ran to church, ran on mud, soggy, muddy grass.. and was still late for choir. Fined $2. Stupid shiiit. Even Andrew saw me running. Arh, fuck la. Just two stinking dollars anyway. Not like Alph or Aloy who got fined $4. EACH. Ha!

Went home after mass. Didn't feel like hanging around. Stuck around online, fought with my OHSONICE brother over the Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children DVD. He's OHSONICE cos he lent me his jeans and sneaks to Parkway. If not.. he'll be the second idiot I wish to punch so GODDAMNFUCKING hard all the way to Pluto.

Parkwayed, grabbed a bite, played pool. WON RACH AND MY BESTIE! HA! But after the first two games.. got bored. Played any old how for the rest. Balls flying, cues dropping, white balls in, free balls everywhere.

Parkwayed again. And at Xcessories, ebase, giordano and c&k, I just couldn't help but think and think and think when I saw the blouses, shirts, skirts, wrist accessories and the ear rings.

"you so fat lor.."
"i can never picture jess wearing a skirt man! haha."
"my god! you look like a freaking nun jess!"
"why do you wear two shirts ah? not hot ah?"
"yo! TOMBOY!"
"wooo! jess wearing a bikini! oh so sexy!"
"whoa! someone's so sexy."
"i want you to wear a tight fitting shirt so you can show to the whole world your body builder size."
"that woman's so fat, but she's so damn daring to wear that la! exposing all her fats there, there and there."
"did you know something? jess has got a DAMN nice ass."
"why can't you dress up more like a girl?"

All these kinda sentences that I hear in everyday conversations. And its so irritating cos there's this confusion within me. What society wants of me, and what society thinks of such people. I've had people call me fat, say that I'm fat, say that I'm big sized, and YET, these same bunch of people make fun of fat people who dress up lady-like. AND THESE PEOPLE WANT ME TO DRESS UP LIKE A FUCKING GIRL.

I'm not saying that it's wrong to dress up like one. I'm just trying to point out that I've been made fun of before. And I hated it. And besides, I've got my own insecurities. I feel very exposed when I dress up like a girl. I feel very self-concious when I dress up like a girl. I have to make sure I don't "zhao-geng", I have to make sure I sit like a lady, I have to make sure my stomach doesn't appear like a bulging flab when I sit down, my makeup has to look perfect, I have to make sure I'm walking properly, I have to make sure I wax my legs, trim my eyebrows, shave my underarms, wear a suitable bra/tube for whichever outfit.. SO MANY damn THINGS! Whereas if I just wear what I want to wear, a loose shirt with baggy jeans, its just me. Casual. I sit how I like, when I like, where I like, and I got no worries at all. And I like it that way.

I just don't understand why you people want me to dress up like them. So what if they wore sleeveless tees? Mini skirts with heels? Why must I follow them? To be part of the crowd? To be labelled as HOT, SEXAYE and IN? To be labelled by old folks as a SLUT? Why can't I just be me and have you SHUT UP? Why does it bother you so much? Seriously?

Its people like you fellas who just don't understand me. Or know where I'm coming from. If you thought you knew me, just think again, okay? Cos you don't fucking know me. Yeah sure, Jess may appear all smiley, humourous and all that. But there's more to me than just that. Deep beneath the smiles is a history so bad, you don't even know half of it. And its that history that shapes me up to who I am today. And so far, nothing seems to change that.

Believe me. Even if you did know me well enough, you wouldn't know the emotions I go through when I see the girls wear what they wear, and see what I wear. So don't question what I wear, okay? Its a sensitive topic. Don't want to get bitten, don't ask. And about my history - don't ask either. If I feel you're the one I should share it with, I would. No need for special requests.

Sorry if this entry bites, but I've decided to just come clean with all that's happened. The question Nick asked last night, that whore calling me fat..

I've had it with all these people!