The Ripped Soul

I just don't know what to say anymore..

Mass? Well, was mass. Stood for awhile, sat down later afterwards. Homily was meaningless, let alone the parts itself. Even singing the hymns had no meaning to me. Sad, huh? Left afterwards and had a ticking off from Ernie cos I was vulgar. Surprisingly. Har de har.

I think maybe I've changed. Something happened somewhere along the line and yup.. I've changed. I don't think I'm the polite, energetic, wild, funny, humorous, devout catholic kid I used to be. And it kinda sucks.. cos when I see myself as a third person and recall the things I've done or said before when I was THAT kid, I miss that person that I actually was. Cos I was happier then. With all the friends, the energy, the fun.. the good times.

Or maybe this is just one helluva rollercoaster ride on the PMS. Stupid moodswings.

But honestly now. When I was standing there at the back with Ernie and looked at them, I just couldn't bring myself to sit with them, let alone SING with them. Hell, Cel and Ernie had to drag my unforgiven ass all the way to the front just to make sure I sat there and sang with the choir. And that's how it sucks for me. Cos I used to be that one who belonged there, who'll walk there without anyone pushing and shoving. Who'll sing without being nudged, who'll do parts confidently. But when I was there, I was singing to the ants, if not Ernie. Even parts, only Steffi and Ernie heard. And its just weird. So fucking weird.

During peace, Zac was like "welcome back" ...but I don't know if this is "back" for me. I somehow want to commit, want to come back again, enjoy Christmases with Christmas chills and yelling names during presents exchange. But there's another whole side of me that finds all this amusing, that finds its all a waste of time. That finds all of this meaningless. When Fonz, Randall, the kids, Ern, Cel, Dawn even.. said peace, I didn't even flinch. Didn't even feel it. Not saying I wanna be bombarded by hugs and squeezes and all, but its all just different.

Last time I'd feel at peace with myself when I see their smiles, when I get their handshakes, their nods, hugs.. even a twist/peace sign from Colleen.. or even when Gen giggled when she squeezed the feeling out of my hands.. and I'd be wowed every other time because I felt at peace with myself. Felt at peace with them. But just now.. just now I just felt like a rock that wouldn't budge. I felt like I had a heart which couldn't feel. I felt so empty of love, but so full of hatred.. wherever the hate came from.

And this is just my tiny little step. If tiny steps are gonna be like this every other Sunday, I think I'd rather go back and hide under the covers another 5 minutes after the alarm rings.