The Ripped Soul

I think I'm going psychotic.. if I'm not, already...

Its Hari Raya and I was invited to go on board the van this year for their collection.. yet I turned them down. Turned them all down. Turned down the laughs, the conversations, the green packets, the ketupat, the satay, the rendang... the dishes I only get to eat once a year. Funny how all I wanted to do was just stay in bed under the covers and hear the rain go pitter-patter outside my window.

It's like, a loafer on the street being given a case of money and a box of Hawaiian pizza by his family and instead of taking it, he dumps it over the bridge into the river.

Crazy huh? What has got into me...

Maybe its the white walls, maybe its because I'm so stuck here, maybe its because I feel so trapped, maybe because I'm so tired of living this double life, maybe because my mind is clouded by so many thoughts, maybe because this silence is killing me, maybe because he's gone, maybe cos she's gone and nothing's worth celebrating anymore..

Maybe cos I feel so alone here now. And the irony, since I have Naz, Malar, Jaws, CH, Lyn, Belle even. I have ALL my friends here.. yet I feel so much more alone now than ever.

Rawr.

I don't know who am I, what am I anymore.. somedays I wake up and feel like I'm this really selfish ingrate that doesn't appreciate shit. On some I feel like my monk's right; that this is the right way to feel, the right thing to do. That its for the best for ME. For me to live my own life instead of living for others. But is that being selfish?

Where do you draw the line between being selfish and treating yourself right? How do you differ being the doormat from being the person that steps on the doormat?

See what I mean? I think I'm really going insane.

Ria! Hurry and get your degree! I'll be your first patient. :D