The Ripped Soul

Rawrrrrrr.

I feel like murdering blogger, I swear. All I wanted was to just change a link and put in the html code for a joke of the day.

Instead I end up upgrading the account, and now when I want to take a step backwards, I can't switch the html back to the one that it once was. Something wrong with the XML code or whatfuckingever. RAAAAAAAAAH! And I thought blogskins designers are supposed to give perfect codings. Apparently not. The damn template nonsense found SO many faults with the given codes that I have to go and sort out.

Any idea how frustrating that is? Damned things.

To top it off, I've got fucking SORE eyes! My eyes are as red as they can get! Heaven knows if I caught it from Colleen when I talked to her or it was because as I walked home from church, this goddamn truck full of sand drove past and suddenly I felt like I was walking through a sand dune without goggles.

Either which, not good for me. Both blogger and sore eyes. I want to cry.

And who'd have thought? Bloody eye-mo now costs $4.20 for a teeny tiny bottle.

What the hell.

On a slightly better note, went back to church today. God, how I missed them in choir. And how awkward it all was for me.. from start to end.

Like when I stepped in and everyone downstairs looked at me. Was it my shades? Did I have something on my face? Was it the milk I was carrying? Did I look like a terrorist? Am I that scary looking? Or is the parish too small that once someone stops coming for a long while and then suddenly shows up, everyone's dentures just drops?

And when I went up and saw the cross and the white walls and had that inner voice screaming at me to just go home, that I shouldn't be there... that it was so wrong of me to be there.

And how good it felt when Stef got a shock when she saw me and went HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Or when Kaz said "no pressure!" when he asked if I was just visiting or back for good. Or when I asked Andrea 'what am I doing here?' and she could have given a dozen other answers, but she just smiled at me and said 'you're singing here, of course!' Or when Fonz saw me and was like 'eh, jess!' And Na when she had me at her Hello and welcome back. And Dawn giving me the tap on the back just as mass started. And how awkward it was during peace like how it always is. You just can't decide between a hug or a handshake or a nod. Lol. And when Nick slapped my arm during communion.

Thing is, it felt good. Being back again felt good. Singing with them felt good. I might be a hypocrite since I don't really believe the words I'm singing, but till the time when I finally put some meaning in "God's spirit is in my heart", I guess I'm going to have to keep coming. Unless I throw a fit during the homily and break out in cold sweat during the eucharistic celebration and have eyes rolling to the back of my head and have that desperation to want to tear my heart out and kill myself in church...... then that's a whole other story altogether.

Surely, I miss some people.. that goes without saying. But I guess people move on. And some things can't be helped. But hey, we're all still friends anyway right? And personally I think that if my faith is already shaken as it is, its best that the choir still glues me to church. Else I'd forget about it altogether. And end up marrying some Mat. Or Apu.

Eeew.

Anyway, my point was.. being in church for me today was somehow so wrong, yet so right. And note to self : SWITCH OFF THAT BLOODY WATCH WHEN MASS STARTS!

I never knew the eucharistic celebration could be so quiet that when my watch beeped, I had 20 pair o'eyes on me. The pressure...

So QUESTION: Am I back for good or am I just visiting for preps on the festive season?

I don't know. But we'll see where these tiny steps take me. :)