The Ripped Soul

My, where do we start.

Do I go with church or with last night's issue we had on msn? I don't know.

Let's go with church first, huh? Since jubilatians will prolly read.. and I don't really want them to go take a step back in time with me when I had to go through shit with you.

So church. Today. Awesome. I really sound like a man. And hearing Drey singing right next to me is SO amusing on so many levels. I mean, we both have really *sexy* voices, but I can still strain my voice to do the parts, to sing normally.. whereas she sounds so funny I can't even put it in words. Its like a guy singing with an all girl choir. Or hearing a tranny sing! Yeah, definetly the tranny... shit, if I didn't know Drey better, at first thought I'd be asking myself "is she a tranny?" Seriously! And I know she's gonna kill me when she reads this, so I'm just kidding aye! No hard feelings. I still love you my trannyanything friend! :D

Then that lector. WHAT WAS UP WITH THE ACCENT MAN! She seriously sounded so cheena. REALLY. And it was soooooo bad that I couldn't stop laughing whenever she read. Drey and Stef as well! Haha. I think I might have grown ONE ab. From all that laughter. Lofl. And I was really dying to answer in Ms Swan's accent 'thanks be to god' when she was done reading. But I couldn't. Too much laughter. I almost had trouble breathing.

After mass, choir practice. Didn't really wanna go, but Gen and Stef kept pulling me to. So I went. Re-run of Christmas carols. Remembered some lyrics, forgotten some lyrics.. but my attention couldn't help but go to the 3 musketeers who were either miming, or too laid back to sing. And then I remember that they said they're from the home. So they prolly have their reasons why they didn't sing. Maybe they're shy. Maybe they never heard of carols. Maybe christmas is the worst holiday ever known to them. And they hate the idea of it.

I know if I was them, I'd hate christmas as much as anyone else.

I mean, you hear of other kids going home to their parents, having turkey, beef, all the chicken wings this life has to offer, people opening presents under the tree and being so happy.. Or when you hear them having new clothes to wear, having new toys to play with.. having fun playing with other kids. Or going on holidays during the season. Or even having carolers. Or going to Town just to get wowed and awed by the decorations, the lights.. feel the christmas chill.. Shit, if I was in a home, I prolly won't get to do all that. And frankly, who likes christmas staying in the 4 walls?

But I don't know if that's for sure. Maybe they just need to get comfy. And then the voices will start pouring.

And another thing. I know many will wince when they read this.. but singing all the parts and to look at Drey and Stef in between.. I just felt something was missing. I felt that some people were missing. And I guess they really did make a difference, afterall. E, Cel, Annie.. even the guys.. like Elv and Ben.

But it felt good too. For 2 sick sops, Joy to the world was alright. The rest I wouldn't dare comment cos.. not all of us were very sure about lyrics and stuff. But it was all cool. For some songs, the feeling was still.. there. For some songs, you feel like you just wanna crush the paper with the lyrics on it and throw it behind you.

Then it ended. Then I took a bus back home. And argued with her. And she's unhappy about me being in choir. For christmas. Because of the time it'll take up, because of expenses.. because she knows I'll only tax her more if I go into the spirit fullswing. And she can't afford it.

So it took me awhile for everything to sink in, then I asked some people for their opinion. And majority said to go for choir stuff on Sundays, but not to stick around for practice.. or carolling. But there's that voice at the back of my head that says 'just disappear.. you've done it before, what's another time?' And I don't know, really. I'll let down Drey. Stef. Gen and her buds. And I don't want that. I don't know. Really sticky situation. Something to meditate on in the week.

Now. You.

I think we need a break. Just a distance away. I can't be so cooped up with you, and you can't be with me either. Your depression is driving me mad, your alcohol habits are not making it any easier for me, and your want and will to do whatever you want to do without anyone standing in your way is really the limit of what I can take. So you know what? You wanna talk, talk. I'll answer. If you feel my answers remind you of your [now] unhappy past, by all means Joce, don't talk to me. And talk to me when you got all your screws back on.

You say you finally got your retribution, you finally know what it feels like. I'm angered when you say that, and I'm not like "Shit! Its fucking high time, goddamit!" nor do I say "serves you goddamned right." Even when I ought to cos its what any other girl in the right mind would say, given the scenario.

I would say something colder. EVEN though Ria says me losing him to you is actually NOTHING compared to you losing 4 and a half years of a relationship, plus all the memories put in it together. Cos he was just a crush to me. But he was your lover. And possibly, a dream of what might be your little happy ending.

You have no fucking idea what it feels like. Or what it felt like.

You see.. In sec 2, the moment that happened, the moment that promise was broken, the moment you went out with him, my heart didn't just fall and break into so many pieces. It wasn't a heartbreak that could be cured with alcohol, with laughter, with madness, with anything. Not even with another boy in my life. I felt so dead, so lifeless.. yet the hurt was there and it reminded me everyday when I walked into school, when I sat in the canteen, when I walked into class, whenever your face was in mine.

I thought I finally found someone I could trust. Apparently not. I fought with everyone, I lost my friends, I didn't have anyone. Nobody.

So I'm already a nobody in SCHOOL, and then I have to see you! Wow. How pleasant that must have felt, right?

Like I said on MSN, it's like wearing a straitjacket and going on cold turkey. If I could, I would have knocked the teeth out of you in school. Give you 2 black eyes. Cut off your tongue for lying. Backstab you a hundred times. Murder you. Kill you. Watch you die. Or if I didn't want to injure you, I'd have wanted to kill myself. And I did, so many times. Ledges, rooftops, roads, bridges, medication, poison.. cos I didn't have a reason to live. And so many to die.

You see.. comparing me to you, I'm sure you had a bf or two in school, right? I had none. Who'd like a girl that looked like a boy and acted like one? In BSS, even before Wayne. You had what? Melv? ZL? Who did I have? No one! And then there was Wayne. And I talked to him and he was so funny over the phone. He was so nice and sweet. And he was the first person I had a crush on. And I loved him, and YOU KNEW. You fucking knew. And you take that away.

Like I have people who loved me right? Sure, yeah.. I was like a star. Yeah. A faded, fallen star.

My mom, if she wasn't drinking when she was depressed, she had him. Yeah. That's alot of love, really. Have you ever had your own mother picking her lover over you? Or have fuckheads for relatives? Or have no one that understands you?

I felt like a fucking alien. Everyone around me was like, 'eh, pick up your life and move on.. don't dwell.' ID LOVE TO PICK IT UP AND MOVE THE HELL ON but HOW?! TELL ME!

No one had the answers.

And then time went by. And I forgot. And I became humble. And everyone came back into my life. Even you. And we may all have gone back to 'friends' status. But it made me sick.. seeing you with him. Kissing right before me on escalators. Fooling around in my house. Messing around in theatres. But I focused on other things. Had other things in my life. Jeremy; who left. Then D.. who also left.

And you say you know how it feels like, that you got back your retribution?

It's just a punch to your jaws considering the pain it would be if I were to kick you in your nuts, if you had any.

So don't say you know what it feels like. Because honestly, you really.. don't.