The Ripped Soul

The past week's been insane. (To think of it... Haha, I think my whole life's crazy. I really shouldn't have swam so fast in there. Let someone else live this life, get to know the people I do, live this stupid life I have to live through now. I might have died being baby food, but I think even that is better than to live this cruel reality.)

So.. every other day is staying home, gaming.. connections with friends have been lost. Maybe because I'm snappy, maybe because its them.. but whatever, eh? Predicted so long ago that this would all happen in time, and they all said otherwise...

I should have placed a bet, huh? Tsk.. damn.

Followed mom out to see the twins and Aunt Helen few days back. Apparently my mom told everyone they called me a burden, and because of that I kept holding myself back, stopped going out..

So I had a couple of nice reminders that it was okay to them if they spent money on me. And they did. Crazy money spent on food, I'll tell you. They fed me like as though I was some kid dying from starvation. Steak, cheese fries, swensens @ 1am, some Malay lady's asam fish...

I appreciate it all, I really do; but there's just something inside me that rejects it all you know? Not that I'm proud or anything... but there's this little voice in my head that keeps saying "see? You're a burden. Point proven. Living on other's money. Making people buy you stuff, buy your food, buy your water... Ha. Burden. HA!" And a lil nutters it may be, but it seriously tears me apart.

It's like there's this idea in my head that I don't deserve all the good things in life unless I slog like a bitch and get it my fucking self, you know?

Right. Crazy talk, I know. I told you I might have needed a mental ward for myself all those years ago...

Then Aunt Maurn told me she's taking my cousin in. That's good, I'm happy. At least she has a good family for Christmas. I just hope she behaves now. If she doesn't, it really is the last straw.. my mom and I are already visiting Aunt Helen to "repay" the mistakes she caused.... if she breaks Aunt Maurn's heart, I don't know what my mom's going to do. We owe people enough as it is... another debt would be a boulder on our shoulders.

Then she found out about the 'burden' issue as well, but she took a different approach. She told me I can't be filled with so much hate. All the hatred has to go, since it's Christmas, right?

I could just look her in the eye, smile and shake my head. If only she knew how hard it was.

Your own family calls you a burden, and what do you do? Of course you get angry right? And when it's not true, when you don't even bother them and they say such things about you, there's definitely BOUND to be hatred in the equation, no?

I mean what do you expect me to do? To think?

"Oh ahaha. They call me a burden. So funny. Hahahahah...."

It's not a fucking joke, it's not something I can hide behind a white mask anymore. I'm sick of them always getting under my skin. First it was whenever I wore jeans/shorts with a shirt looking like a male punk, then it was telling me off when I took 2 cans of coke on christmas, then when I started my job and I needed the cash for transport, then this. And she says I got to get rid of the hatred?

Like as if I REALLY want to freaking live in all these hate. Like as if I really want to be Anakin Skywalker when he turned to the dark side and hated every single thing when his mother died. Sure, wouldn't it be nice if life was a bundle of roses? Butterflies and rainbows? But it's not. It's this stupid cruel reality. And I'm really sick of living it already. And how do you get rid of so much burning hatred anyway?

10 reasons to smoke, drink and take drugs, and that would be one of them.
10 reasons to commit suicide, thats one of them.
10 reasons why it's better to die early, that's one of them.

Then mom said that it's okay for them to buy me dinner, buy me things... because they're more than just the simple "friend", they're closer to us, almost like family.. but how can I ever look at it the same way again? When MY OWN FAMILY is the one that called me the freaking burden?

Even when my godmother said "I'm not just your godmother jessy, I looked after you for 6 years when you were small.. I'm almost like your family, WE are almost like your family.."

I felt like shouting back at her in the taxi "HOW CAN I ACCEPT YOUR GENEROSITY WHEN MY OWN BLOOD FAMILY CALLS ME A FREAKING BURDEN?"

Maybe this is just PMS talk. Maybe crazy talk. Maybe suicidal talk. Maybe ego talk. Idk. Whatever.

But its occupying a WHOLE lot on my mind right now, so forgive me if I stray away, if I look into space when I'm with you. I'm just really blanked. There's a whole lot going through my mind, and I really can't just blurt it all out. And don't tell me NOT to think about it. If I could, I would. I can't. This voice in my head is SO silently loud, I have to blast music in my ears to avoid thinking so damn much.

Like today when I went out with mom to get the cat's stuff. More often than not, I was screaming in my head.. I think mind readers will be more pissed with me than a drunk singer. I wanted to cry so many times, just break. Stop all the screaming in my head, stop all the hate....
I. Just. Can't.

Everything right now is just so RAAAAAAH! And I wish I had someone to talk to who knew what exactly the fuck I was talking about. Instead of just talking to someone who cares, to someone that just wants to be there for me... that and all the wanting me to believe in all the 'airy fairy' stuff. That God will always be there for me, just need to pray and believe...

The religious/spiritual, care and concern card(s) really just doesn't ace right now.

Rawr.