The Ripped Soul

Wow. I haven't updated in awhile. Well, I'll try to keep things short as they say, aye?

Beowulf:

I watched it in Digital, I thought it was awesome. Damn well worth my $8. Ah, just to see her in it is awesome enough. AND YES, I WILL PAY AGAIN TO WATCH HER. And hunky Beowulf, lawl. xD I Dragged AJ and Rach with me, thank God they didn't complain... just ask alot of questions.

Rach: Is it a cartoon?

^^ Girl, you are hilarious.

Had an awesome time with them. Awkward moments here and there cos I didn't know what to say to them.. I mean, I can't ask anymore "eh so how was Sng's class?" or "eh wanna meet after S3P?" or "eh, did you see that fight in the canteen?" or yell at AJ "HAHA! I THREW A CHAR SIEW PAU AT YOU DURING RECESS!" ... so yeah. Awkward silences in between. Or having me say all the wrong things. Damn it. I feel like YongSen already. But it was good. Seeing them again. AJ having more piercings, Rach's hair changing colors like seasons...

And my surprise worked for AJ's parcel! Ha! Had to lie about it though. Dammit. And after flying kisses and a warm hug, and I think I might never see them again. Till next year, maybe.

Going out with that little girl:

Had the best night of my life, like ever. I seriously cannot remember a day in SO long laughing so much. And laughing because I felt like it. Not because I had to force it for a bad joke or sarcasm. Pure, childlike laughter. It's good to feel like 6 years old all over again sometimes.

her: and they'll say "MUMMY MUMMY! THE BUG ITS FLYING AWAY!" *points to big Durian*

Rofl. Girl, I love you. And thank you so much for the company, the dinner and the night of pure fun. You might not know it, but by going out with me that night and making me laugh like crazy was like taking the noose out of my neck. It felt so.. refreshing.

.....But unfortunately, like they ALSO say, good times don't last forever. So just as I escalated sky high to cloud 9, I fell 6feet back downunder into reality.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Ria says I'm really sian, I've stopped going back to church, I don't think I'll be in for christmas, I don't think there'll even be christmas... and I feel like punching everyone in the face when they ask what the fuck am I going to do with myself next year..

I feel really sad to say this, and my tears roll as I type this, but I really think I should just take my life and get this over with. I know.. I know. Me. Suicide. Errr... Right? Haha. You may have never seen it coming. Then again, you might have.

But I really can't take it anymore. And on some days fighting the temptation is so hard... I'm fighting an internal raging, blazing war, I tell you. It's like Harry Pothead fighting Moldervort. My head hurts. Watched the movie GIA? Yeah, I'm feeling like she did. If drugs would help, I'd be overdosing it right now.

I wanted to work when everyone wanted me to study, it was a bitch, I quit. Now when I choose to study, everyone wants me to work and work a good job. They want me to do a job in the hotel line or in the food industry so the company can pay me to study if they see I've got potential. I don't do it, and they call me a burden to my mom. Then they want to give me money out of pity. When I refuse, my mother scolds me because of the pride that I have.

Do this and it's wrong, do that and it's also wrong. Do both and I feel like I'm living someone else's life. I don't know what to do anymore, or what to say. But I do know what I want. I think. I want a hug. I want someone to shake the life out of me. To tell me to stop thinking of death and that every fucked up thing will be okay when the time comes.

No, do not approach me on MSN and tell me to work and study at the same time. No, do not tell me SERVES YOU RIGHT! YOU HAD 1 WHOLE YEAR TO WORK AND EARN ENOUGH FOR STUDIES BUT YOU DIDNT! I KNOW ONE PERSON WHO DID ALL THAT AND SHE MADE IT! IF SHE COULD WHY NOT YO...

I know I need to hear all that, but I really don't want to. And if you don't want me snapping at you, chewing your head off and clawing the flesh off of you, just don't say anything. Give a nudge if you want to, but shhhhh... no nags please. They're all at the back of my head and they keep biting me when I wake up and smell the morning air.

And do not ask me what the hell I'm going to do with myself next year. I swear to God himself I do not know. I have SO many complications in my life right now that nothing for me is certain. And believe me when I say that uncertainty and instability is a bitch. It's a fucking bitch.

And knowing that your mother might be suffering from pneumonia on top of that freaking illness is another problem altogether.

Man, is life THIS hard for everyone? Or is it just me? Or am I just weak?

Meanwhile, something for me to look forward to: I mailed the envelope on the 10th of November. I hope she gets it and that she replies soon. My GOD I pray she replies soon. She has the answer to my question and I wanna know what it is.

AND TO MORE HAPPY DAYS AT FIESTA! :D Hear ye, hear ye.

This is Talk Show Host Mormo, aka Depressed Jess, OUT.