The Ripped Soul

me: yeah, sorry you said something?
me: aim just hung on me

you: i can just tell

me: just tell what?
me: that i feel forced to talk to you?

you: lol, yeah?

me: well.

you: well?

me: with all due respect, you broke up with me even though i begged you not to.. you've left me confused, hurt, broken, rejected.. to say the least

you: i know.

me: everyday's a living hell to begin with, and its hard for me to try fix my life back to what was

you: i know

me: you ask if i feel forced to talk to you, the answer is no, because i do want to talk to you
me: i do want this friendship and i must be pretty stupid to want this after the way you've treated me
me: im hurt, its the obvious

you: i know. how did i treat you?

me: lol doesnt matter anymore
me: damage been done
me: im not forced to talk to you
me: its just hard to be civil
me: but im trying

you: you don't have to be civil. you can scream and yell at me if you want

me: haha what for?

you: to get it out at me?
you: i mean, i deserve it right?

me: what you deserve i leave to karma and God

you: Jess, as far as i can remember, i treated you the best i could. the best i've ever treated anyone.

me: really?

you: yes.

me: that was in the relationship, though, right?

you: what do you mean?

me: im not talking about the way you treated me when we were still together

you: okay, then the way, i'm treating you now?
you: how am i treating you now?
you: do you feel i've forgotten you?

me: why?

you: answer the question.

me: yeah

you: well, i haven't

in fact, there's not a moment where i don't wonder what you're up to

how you're doing

even though i mostly already know the answer

everytime i see you online, i click on your name, and close the window so many times

because i know it's hard for you to talk to me

because i know it won't help you

and when you're not online, i wonder where you are.

if you're safe

when your nick says you're out, i wonder where you are.

i still view your profile everytime i log into myspace.

so Jess, i haven't forgotton you.

just so you know.

and the way i'm treating you?

as far as i'm concerned, i'm not doing anything

all i wanna do is make this easier for you

and if that would mean you hating me, then so be it

but you see, you try to get over me; you try and hate me

but you realize you can't

so you end up hating yourself instead

but you don't have to

say something?

me: something
you: haha. well i'm gonna go. you take care. God bless. good night. sleep tight. goodbye.

-------------

What the fuck did I ever do to you, or to anyone to deserve this? Honest to God? Tell me. Tell me Goddammit. The least you can do is give me the fucking answers after all the shit you put me through.

You're putting me through so much misery, so much damage, heartache, anger and pain that you don't even realize it. Its incredible how you can still ask "how am i treating you?" and then say "i've treated you the best i could, the best i've treated anyone."

How can you even say that?

You broke up with me a day after our 6th, I begged back for you, you said no, I begged again, you rejected me flat out, you never even gave me hope of a "someday". You make me wonder night and day what the fuck I did to lose a love like ours, wonder where the hell it all went wrong, what I did, said, could've done or said to make it all better. To make this all go away. I couldn't spend Christmas, I couldn't enjoy New Year's either.

You made me hope with all the time I gave you, you'd come back before the new year started.

You celebrated your new year's out partying while I stayed at home wishing and hoping I'd hear from you, or that you'd show at my doorstep saying you were sorry.

You never did.

You tell me to move on without you, I told you I would wait, you said don't. I say I would, anyway.

Then you tell me you've moved on.

Then you tell me you think about me. You haven't forgotten me. You still wonder about my well being, how am I, whether I'm alright. If I'm safe whenever I go out. You click on my name on msn and you close the window. You want to talk to me but you know it's hard for me.

You call. You text. You message.

You talk to me like nothing went wrong, like I'm supposed to just take this break up, deal with it, fuck you off my list and move on with my fucking good for nothing life.

Christ, I wish it was that motherfucking easy, I swear to God himself.

Yeah, you treated me like a jewel in the relationship, sure. We had rough edges, we had problems and issues, but it was fine, right? We always made it through. Imagine my pain when you decide to just give it all up because you can't handle it anymore.

Any other person in the right mind would be "you can't handle me, so fine; i don't need you anymore anyway" but I wasn't that person. Other people already told me to give you up at the beginning, it's the right thing to do - I didn't listen to that either. Because I'm not most people.

I waited. I begged. Pleaded. Got rejected. Healing my broken heart by my fucking self, you call and text and message. You act like everything's alright, everything's fine. You casually go "how are you?"

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM DOING?

You say you know, you know, you know - BUT DO YOU REALLY FUCKING KNOW?

YOU DON'T, ALRIGHT?

You might feel the pain I feel, maybe, since we both shared that special connection.

But you don't know the least of the emotional trauma you're causing me. You have no fucking idea of the damage you've caused and have ABSOLUTELY no clue to how you're making it all worse.

How you're treating me?

You haven't even given me the respect that I deserve at least to mend this shithole of a fucking broken heart you've left behind, motherfucker.

You're torturing me with your "concern". YOU ALREADY SAY YOU KNOW HOW I'M FEELING, SO WHY THE FUCK DO YOU PUSH THE BUTTONS? Do you like torturing me? Putting me in this much misery?

Do you want me to kill myself? Will you be satisfied then?

The last conversation we had, do you even remember what the fuck you said to me?

I asked you, you know why I push you? Push you to keep proving what the fuck's shit you're saying? Because if you knew it would hurt me so bad, if it would put me in this much misery, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?

What did you say?

Can you remember?

"okay jess. you know what? you want us to get back together, right? let's get back together. it'll end all the pain and hurt for you right? and that's what i want. so let's do it. let's get back together."

Whoa, what? Did you really just say that? I kept silent. What did you say next?

"hello? i am asking you back and you have nothing to say? lol. hahahahahaha"

How I felt like I meant nothing to you then, do you even know? The feeling of being taken as a joke, a mockery.

"you really do have nothing to say."

It's one thing to be laughed at by friends for being a clown.

This was something else altogether.

After telling my story to Elijah, he says one thing:

Can you promise me something Jess? Please, I beg you, don't hurt yourself.

I don't even need to hurt myself anymore.
People seem to be doing a pretty great fucking job at it for me.