The Ripped Soul

Its 1am.

My off day. Hmm.

It felt good. I don't hate the job, no.

Just work politics sometimes can get iffy? I hate politics.

People being hypocritical, putting up this mask in front of the person when they're around.. or worse, when people talk about me in the kitchen in a foreign language thinking I won't catch what they mean.

And sometimes I don't get it, but I can feel the negative vibes I get from them. And curious to know what was said is one thing, not liking the vibe I get is another.

But that's people and work right? Was the same at toys r us, same here too I guess. Just do as you're told, do your job and get paid when it's payday. Pay the bills, rinse and repeat.

It's a job.

Can't exactly blog about work everyday because they're pretty technical, and they read blogs too. And I don't want any trouble with people who might be customers.

I've had a couple of shitty nights though, I won't lie. Customers sometimes... *sigh*

They're always fucking right. Even when they're dead wrong.

All the more I really wanna get a "what goes around comes around" tattoo on my wrist.

As for everything else, Lyn has been busy with school and studies and exams. Don't really like disturbing her, but we've gone out on occasions for dessert or a drive with Joce. I just hope I'll never hear her saying I was the cause of her failing if she fails anything. [choy!]

And one thing that I heard today that made my night would be that Lyn said I DO have my logic and sense still.. well, enough sense and logic to advise her on what she's feeling, what should she do.

Came as a shock to me as well. I mean, I just woke up when I called her. My brains were a little dysfunctional.

And when I called Rinnie in the morning/afternoon and talked to her, heard her cry.. I managed to advise her too. Don't know if its the words she wanted to hear, don't know if I was being insensitive or if I said anything wrong... but I somehow managed to fit in the words to advise her about what to do, why she feels that way, and how it's not wrong to feel that way.

Maybe I've not lost myself at all, afterall.

Whatever it is, I know the old me is dead and gone. The Jess from 08 is no longer here anymore.

She could call me, she had the balls to actually say on the phone that she thought this girl was really hot and it was a waste she couldn't get to know the girl better.

And I just went from neutral and friendly to sick and disgusted. No, not sick that she's still a bisexual or anything like that. Even I am still one. No changes there.

But to know what she said last year and at the start of the year, her needing this break because of her mom, because she can't do this, because she can't see me, because she feels its wrong[?], because of her faith, because of God, because of family.

Her saying she still wanted me, she still loved me, she just can't be with me.

All those bullshit excuses, and I gave her the benefit of the doubt and believed anyway.

Became a friend, since she can't do a relationship, right?

So if she actually has the heart to fall for someone else, let alone, a girl - then everything else that was said and done would've been a lie, right?

And you know something?

Above everything in life that's extremely shitty, I hate lies, secrets and the deafening sound of silence. She knows that very well.

And wanna know something else completely trivial?

It was the same last straw that broke me apart with Jeremy.

He wanted a friendship, sure. Since I'm nothing to him but like a little sister of sorts. I hated that excuse, I swear I did. I saw us as something more, but that was all I was to him.

Take it like a man and walk away anyway, right? Right.

The next time we went out, he started talking about this girl, someone new he just met and how he liked her. And he was asking me for advice on how he could tackle her.

That's the last straw. I broke all relations after that.

As for her, well.. frankly, I don't know what to do with her anymore.

I hate to say it, but she's changed. She's no longer the girl I fell in love with, she's no longer the person I used to know, even as friends.

I don't hate the person she's become, I miss the person she used to be.

And right now, I just feel that maybe it's best if we just split or go our own ways.

I can't take it all anymore. It hurts too motherfucking much, and it plays so much on my mind that it sucks. It even comes to a point of where I actually regret things I did.

And I usually don't regret.