Out with Lyn, Kiji and you. They were late, so we met up and you ate at Macs. Couldn't help but sense your irritation. You were annoyed. Pissed off. Why though?
Tired? We all were.
I wasn't getting enough sleep. Juggling friends, work and valentine's day specials.
Sleep at 4am daily, wake up for work at 8am, work till 10? 11? And it's not like I get to sit on my ass. Not to forget travelling to and fro whenever i'd be over yours. Or the shit I would get at home when things at home are fucked up.
And as for you? Lyn? Kiji? I'm guessing you guys were busy with school stuff, juggling friends, CCA, AND valentine's day stuff. Prolly had your own issues as well.
*shrugs*
So everyone was tired. It's not a you thing. It's not a me thing. Everyone was tired.
So I asked what's on your mind, why are you so pissed off.. it's not easy to be a chirpy, happy bird if you're just going to bring my mood down.
And you told me.
Should I regret asking? Because I sure didn't like your answer, honest or not.
You said school stuff, I probed further. And you say your semester's screwed, your GPA score is screwed, what you wanted to achieve, what you aimed for, it's all gone. It's all screwed. You're fucked. You're not gonna get the GPA you were aiming for. You're not gonna be able to get into the top universities as you planned to.
Why?
Because of me.
Because you spent so much time with me when we were together.
Because you called me late nights and we talked till daybreak.
Because we were always out.
Because you were with me.
Because of all the fights you had with me, because of all the "drama" and how it affected you.
Because thanks to me, you didn't have time/didn't make time for your studies.
Therefore flunking your semester.
Before you met me, you were scoring As. After being with me, your grades fell to Cs.
So.. you flunking is my fault?
And you say "its not you, its me. i'm not pissed at you, I'm more pissed at myself."
For the record, it doesn't make the pain go away.
I suggested retaking the semester.
And you look at me in the eye and go "thanks ah. my mother got alot of money to spend on my education right?"
Okay. My stupidity on that part, and I apologize. But that stung. I merely made a suggestion. I'm going to be a bit selfish here and say it's not you flunking I'm upset about. It's not about what you said even. Or maybe it is, but it's just a little.
What hurts is it sounds like you regret it all.
You regret being with me.
You regret all those phone calls.
You regret every single moment spent together.
You regret going out with me.
And most of all, it sounds like you regret me.
That's what hurt so much, it stung like a hard fucking slap across my face.
And for you to say such a thing on Valentine's day, when you're my valentine for the day, and when you're my ex, and now my so called best friend.
And I just sat there in silence drinking my milo. And I couldn't help but wonder what the fuck would have happened if that fateful day at Gloria Jeans I just pretended that I didn't give a shit about what you were thinking about and just let you sit there in silence.
Or even after you told me you liked me, I'd have said something like "oh im sorry, im straight"
Or "I'm sorry, but I'd rather us be friends instead"
What if I said that instead?
I'd have never gotten into a relationship with you, sure.
I'd have never been kissed.
I'd have never known what it was like to be loved by someone.
I'd have never held hands with someone.
I'd have never had someone run their fingers in my hair, or vice versa.
I'd have never had dinners and desserts made.
I'd have never experienced a romantic love with someone until someone else came along.
That's just me. Maybe I could live with that. I've been doing so for the past 18 years, not including the year i was with you, no? So what's another fucking year of seeing my friends falling in and out of love? Should be something I ought to get accustomed to, right?
All my lovers were online-based or they just didn't give a shit about me in real life anyway.
But would you regret not being able to be with me after, then?
And as colleagues, or rather, ex-colleagues,
Would we still be friends?
Would I still be working there at that place?
I don't know and I don't even wanna fucking think about it.
What hurts is I never regret being with you.
I regret mistakes I've made.
I regret the things I've done to cause this breakup.
I regret being so sensitive and emotional sometimes, enough to let it get the better of me.
I regret being weak when I should've found the strength in others to be strong.
I regret other things.
But I don't regret knowing or being with you.
I don't regret you at all.
And we took a walk after to meet up with Lyn and Kiji. Many things you said cut me like a knife.
Over your place the other night and you didn't want anything at all, and you said this would be harder for us if you were to see someone new.
How you're so fascinated about your best friend possibly being a closet bisexual.
But yesterday at the beach?
Next thing to sting me is you telling me about what he said.
He read your blog and asked you about it.
I've been thinking a lot lately, about who I am and this person I've become. Last year wasn't my worst year but it definitely was the year that changed me most.
Life's made me realize a lot of things- again. Lol. I've definitely grown and learnt a lot; and with that, I've also hurt a lot. Right now, I guess I'm just at a stage where I wanna kick it with my friends, have fun, meet new people and just live. I haven't been doing that a lot. I've always been so preoccupied with everyone around me- so much that I neglected myself. That got me very, VERY lost. At least I've found myself now. (YAY! bleh.)
So, this...me. I've got a lot of dreams, a ton of things I wanna do and accomplish. I'm not even sure if one lifetime's even enough. But heck, I'm gonna try anyway, till death shoots me dead (if that even makes sense.) And well, I've discovered something about myself; something that was really hard to accept at first, but now, I have. Society's gonna be a problem, and so is my mom, probably. Lol. But hell, it's time to start living for me.
I lost my innocence a long, long time ago and that's something I will never get back. I lost my childhood to being the grown up and my teen years were just full of drama and complication. Now, fuck all that. I'm gonna live, breathe, and well, be me. The world may or may not like me. Fuck what the world thinks. I'll be me, and make a difference in whatever small, insignificant way I can. Every little makes a whole lot.
So yeah, I guess this is who I've become-ish. Lol. It's very vague. Deal with it.
(i'm not usually very vulgar but it really felt needed in this post, so yeahhh.)
----
Dead
And I realize this was all my fault from the start. I never regretted initializing this. Both our worlds crumbled when the words were sent. Yes, both. Because you're not the only one going through this.
Funny how a second can change your life forever. My life was changed. I was changed. I kept strong at the end for you. But now I ask what's the point, when it doesn't even matter anymore.
It was claimed that I was the person you loved most. Funny how in that bulletin your favorite was someone other than me.
And now you're letting go of everything.
Maybe I should too.
Life.Hope.Dreams.Love- they can make a person or kill a person.
You're not the only dead one.
-----
The Break Up
If there's one thing I've learnt thus far is that happiness is based on a decision. If you want to be happy, you can. It may not happen within a blink of the eye or overnight, but it will happen. It would require a lot of letting go.
Love. It has been said that love conquers all and yes, I do believe that. Love can heal, it can bring all the happiness in the world. It can change a person. But it can also do the exact opposite- love can kill a person. It can make a person bitter. It can also be the cause of a person losing one's soul. I loved. I love. I still love. It was through love that I learnt so many things, through love that I've experienced so much. And it is through love that I lost myself. How did that happen? I wonder, as you may be wondering too. I wish I had an answer.
I wish I had answers to all these questions you ask, that you yearn to ask. I don't. There are moments where I don't even know who I am anymore. Moments where I find I'm not living, instead I'm simply exsisting in this damn world. What's sad is that there's so much I want to do, so much I want to achieve that I feel a lifetime alone isn't enough for me. Yet, I feel so lost. I don't know what to do. At all.
There are moments I stop feeling. Then there are moments I itch for a fight because of all these hate I have in me, all these pain and anger that's back to haunt me. "I don't want to lose myself. I won't lost myself," I repeat that again, and again in my head like a broken jukebox that simply repeats a line or a part of a song again and again. It's a prayer I make, a prayer I'm making.
You weren't the cause of it, no. I was. Because I caused you all this pain, because I caused you to feel all these anger and bitterness that you have inside you, all because I wanted a break.
I didn't think it was much to ask for. It wasn't the end for me, and I tried explaining that to you. You weren't listening. I call, because I long to hear you. I text. I don't get any response.
I guess now you hate me too, and I don't blame you. As I've said, I blame only myself.
I've given you every explaination I possibly could. I've never been too good at explaining myself, but I've always done my best with you.
Despite all that I feel, the love remains.
Your friends say that I simply don't have the guts to tell you I don't feel that anymore. Get this: If I didn't, you wouldn't hear from me at all. I wouldn't try to text or to call. As I've said, the love remains.
And I want you to be happy too. But you won't get that with me or from me right now, because I have nothing left good to give. So I end it, because I know you deserve better.
Because I don't want you seeing me like this. Because I've lost myself.
And it appears I've lost you too.
Fuck it. People always leave in my world.
This isn't anything new.
Funny how a second can change your life forever. My life was changed. I was changed. I kept strong at the end for you. But now I ask what's the point, when it doesn't even matter anymore.
It was claimed that I was the person you loved most. Funny how in that bulletin your favorite was someone other than me.
And now you're letting go of everything.
Maybe I should too.
Life.Hope.Dreams.Love- they can make a person or kill a person.
You're not the only dead one.
-----
The Break Up
Memories. They can put a smile on one's face. Bring all the joy back that a soul yearns and longs for; all the joy a soul needs. Or they may just kill you.
If there's one thing I've learnt thus far is that happiness is based on a decision. If you want to be happy, you can. It may not happen within a blink of the eye or overnight, but it will happen. It would require a lot of letting go.
Love. It has been said that love conquers all and yes, I do believe that. Love can heal, it can bring all the happiness in the world. It can change a person. But it can also do the exact opposite- love can kill a person. It can make a person bitter. It can also be the cause of a person losing one's soul. I loved. I love. I still love. It was through love that I learnt so many things, through love that I've experienced so much. And it is through love that I lost myself. How did that happen? I wonder, as you may be wondering too. I wish I had an answer.
I wish I had answers to all these questions you ask, that you yearn to ask. I don't. There are moments where I don't even know who I am anymore. Moments where I find I'm not living, instead I'm simply exsisting in this damn world. What's sad is that there's so much I want to do, so much I want to achieve that I feel a lifetime alone isn't enough for me. Yet, I feel so lost. I don't know what to do. At all.
There are moments I stop feeling. Then there are moments I itch for a fight because of all these hate I have in me, all these pain and anger that's back to haunt me. "I don't want to lose myself. I won't lost myself," I repeat that again, and again in my head like a broken jukebox that simply repeats a line or a part of a song again and again. It's a prayer I make, a prayer I'm making.
You weren't the cause of it, no. I was. Because I caused you all this pain, because I caused you to feel all these anger and bitterness that you have inside you, all because I wanted a break.
I didn't think it was much to ask for. It wasn't the end for me, and I tried explaining that to you. You weren't listening. I call, because I long to hear you. I text. I don't get any response.
I guess now you hate me too, and I don't blame you. As I've said, I blame only myself.
I've given you every explaination I possibly could. I've never been too good at explaining myself, but I've always done my best with you.
Despite all that I feel, the love remains.
Your friends say that I simply don't have the guts to tell you I don't feel that anymore. Get this: If I didn't, you wouldn't hear from me at all. I wouldn't try to text or to call. As I've said, the love remains.
And I want you to be happy too. But you won't get that with me or from me right now, because I have nothing left good to give. So I end it, because I know you deserve better.
Because I don't want you seeing me like this. Because I've lost myself.
And it appears I've lost you too.
Fuck it. People always leave in my world.
This isn't anything new.
--------------------
your blog. That. And all those other entries. The break up. Dead.
And he asks if its about a guy.
What did you say?
It's nothing, just a complication.
So first I'm a reason why you flunked, why you won't get a good future in some big name university, and then I'm just a complication to you.
Okay.
Valentine's day. Say stuff like that. That's.. nice.
Still, I try and be the bigger person in this and just disregard it all, right?
I mask up with Kiji and Lyn around. My heart is breaking so much inside, do you even know?
Probably not.
Because if you DID know it would hurt me like that, why would you even say it in the first place?
The day passed soon enough.
You gave me my parcel, I gave you yours. You said thanks.
You called me at work and asked if I'd like to come over, I said sure.
I was on the way and you said it was better not to go.
I said I'd stay out, you said nevermind and to go over.
Nothing was done.
At all.
I think a wall could've been built between us.
All night you kept asking what's on my mind.
You. The things you said, that's what.
But I didn't want another fight.
This morning you wake me up and tell me I have to leave immediately.
I ask why, you ignore me and tell me that I have to leave.
So I pick up my stuff and I'm gone and out the door.
And right now I'm at the crossroads of wanting to leave and never returning again, or just forgiving it all ever happened, forgive every wrong and just go back to this so called friendship.
And your valentine's day gift was a CD with 3 songs you wrote, played and sang for me.
Thanks, really. No one's ever written an original song for me or sang an original song for me. You're first?
More or less, here's the lyrics to them. As to what I've made sense of when listening to the CD.
"As I am"
been thinking about
the many things ive done
theres some things ive done wrong
some mistakes ive made
i wont let this go
i cannot let you go
i cant live through this
i wont live through this
you seen just how messed up ive been
my broken pieces laid out for you to see
still you take me as i am
you take me as i am
been thinking about
those times we were together
and now how we are apart
call all the shots but
never let you go
youre always in my heart
cannot let you go
i wont let you go
cause you've seen just how messed up ive been
my broken pieces laid out for you to see
still you take me as i am
you love me as i am
---------------
"You and me"
you and me
we've been lovers
and now
we're best friends
and no, haven't recovered
all cause its still there
you and me
could be like sisters
we could fight all the time
i'll be here if you need me
at any day or time
and its
you and me
you and me
i ran out of words to write this song
don't get mad just go along
you and me
you and me
meant to be
way to be
if you'd trust me
its you and me
you and me
we could hang out
with your friends or with mine
sitting down and have tau huay
and catch the last bus in time
you and me
could have benefits
but that's not what im looking at
doesnt mean i dont want you
i just dont wanna be in a mess
and its
you and me
you and me
i ran out of words to write this song
don't get mad just go along
you and me
you and me
meant to be
way to be
if you'd trust me
its you and me
-----
"At any day"
i know ive made mistakes
and i hurt you so
forgive me for all those words i said
the ones that caused the tears to flow
i know i can be heartless sometimes
when i dont think before i speak
youve seen almost every part that's to me
yet you're still in love with me
i dont understand why
i dont understand how
i guess love's not to be made sense of anyhow
when i close my eyes
i still see your face
i dont think this love can ever be replaced
at any day
my heart's breakin
but you don't see it
everytime i look at you
my heart cries
because ive hurt you
i never meant to
can you cure this pain i feel inside?
i love you
i dont say it
you know its true
you still feel it
and you still love me
i dont understand why
i dont understand how
i guess love's not to be made sense of
anyhow
when i close my eyes
i still see your face
i dont think this love can ever be replaced
at any day
at any day..
i dont understand why
i dont understand how
i guess love's not to be made sense of anyhow
when i close my eyes
i still see your face
i dont think this love can ever be replaced
at any day
at any day
at any day
this love can never be replaced
at any day
at any day
this love can never be replaced..
not, not, no, no,
not at any day
never be replaced..
.................
All those songs.
And then the things you said at the beach.
What do I believe?
I don't even know anymore.
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