The Ripped Soul

Dear Jasmin,

I don't know what to do anymore. From before we broke up, to the day we did, and to the days that followed after, we had days when we'd fight, and times when we'd make up after. And while the nights when the make up was so good, the fights became so routine that it just started to drain me out.

Therefore the need for the breaks and the silences in between from me.

Not because I was stressed about work, not because I was stressed about bills and other obligations. While they had their load of stress on my mind and shoulder, I was more often than not more stressed about you.

You were stressing me out, to the point of where I started drinking again, and even picked up smoking.

And I won't lie, after last night's argument, I just felt like I could use a fucking stick all over again. The urge was so unbelievably hard to control that I had to punch the wall till my knuckle bled.

I don't like straying away from you because it hurts. Not a moment goes by when I don't think of you. Not a time goes by when I'm online and I don't search your name first on MSN. Not a day goes by when I go on facebook and NOT wonder if there's ever an update concerning you.

When you're not online, I wonder where you are. I wreck my brains out thinking where you could be at such an hour, wondering what you're doing, what mischief you're up to, if you're okay, if you're not.

I look at my phone and wonder if you'll ever call, if you'll ever text.

My mind wonders about you. ALL THE TIME.

So technically, even when I'm away from you and I don't call, don't talk, don't text; it doesn't mean you're not on my mind. It doesn't mean I don't think of you. Because you are on my damned mind. ALL THE TIME.

I get yelled at in work and I think of you. A song plays and it reminds me of us and I think of you. A customer says something, a colleague makes a joke, and I think of you. I sing a song, I think of you. It rains, I think of you. I take a cake out of the freezer and I remember the time with you and me in the cold room.

I miss you SO goddamn much it hurts me incredibly inside, Jasmin. I cry at the memory of what we had because I miss it all that much. I miss you that much. I miss you so much I could cry thinking about you.

And it's so hard to forget about you. It's so fucking hard to forget what we had, what we used to do, all the things you used to say. It's so hard.

You broke up with me and you said you couldn't do a relationship, then you said it wasn't the end for you, it was just the space you needed. You told me to let go when I said I'll wait for you. You said you wanted my friendship, and then you said we can never be friends because we'll always be ex-es.

Still, I tried.

Your birthday came, I tried when you said the whole world doesn't care about your birthday.
You said your friends don't treat you like a friend, and I tried. I let you into my world with my friends and stringed you along with every other thing we used to do.
You missed the love we once had, but you didn't want a committed relationship, so I tried. I gave in to the benefits you wanted, because it was what I wanted too.

Then you snapped at me because I wanted to make out with you, given what little time we had. Apparently I didn't understand that you were tired and you aren't in this for the benefits; but just my friendship.

Valentine's day came and you said I was pressure. The gifts were pressure. The reason why you had to break up with me was because you were flunking modules at school. You weren't going to attain the GPA you planned to achieve, and because of that, you won't be able to go to a university of your choice. Yale or Berkeley, you said.

And why was that?

It was all because you were SO addicted to me when we were together that you neglected your studies. You said you wished you could turn back time, you wished you never said how you felt that night.

I was so hurt inside to hear your regret, but still I kept it at bay and I tried for this friendship, regardless.

But because I already knew I was pressure, I just wanted to stay away from you. I don't want to be anyone's burden. My own family said I was a burden, so I stayed away from them. I never wanted to talk to them again, I never want and never WILL want to step in their house ever again.

I stopped calling, I stopped texting, I stopped asking you out. Because I didn't want to pressure you further, because I didn't want you to be more tired when you were already probably drained from school and classes and church. And whatever other plans you had.

Does it mean I don't care? Nope. I still thought of you. Not a day went by when I didn't.

You made a fuss about it being so hard to get my attention, and that's when I broke down. I just needed time to myself, and I didn't want to be your pressure. I had a shit day at work, you couldn't make it better, and another night of fights would have just killed whatever that was left of me. I had to break down and cry to you about it before you finally understood and apologized for being a bad friend.

And that still, when Lyn told you that maybe I just needed a break, I just needed space.. you gave me the space I deserved and I thank you.

But last night when I answered your phone call after my long break, thinking, 'hey, maybe she's changed and maybe I can try one last time for this friendship; maybe we won't fight anymore..'

You prove it once again.

The apology you made was nothing. You didn't change, and you didn't try to be the better friend.

We had to fight again.

I ask what's on your mind, and you say it's nothing to concern me.

It hurts to know you don't think about me when all I can ever think about is you.

I ask what is it, and after a few tries, you say it's about your knee that's busted, but why should I care since it doesn't matter.

How can you even say that when I worry about you, when I think of you, and when I still care for you? How can you say that when I still love you and your well being still matters to me, even though I don't call everyday to ask how the hell you're doing?

Then you say that you text my best friend because hey, at least she replies.

Trying to say I don't when you text me?

I asked for the break again the other time, and I begged Lyn to get the message across to you, not because I didn't care, not because I needed to break away from you and I needed to forget you, but because I needed this space, THINKING hey, maybe the fights will stop.

I thought the break and the space would fix things, because maybe with the space inbetween us, we won't get so caught up with ourselves.

Apparently not.

The worst thing you could say or assume is that I don't care about you.

Because if I never did care, I wouldn't have you on my mind. I won't be thinking about you 24/7.
Thing is, I do. To the point where it hurts me so much inside, to the point where it tears me up, to the point where I can fucking cry over you night after night after night behind closed doors, alone, while I'm trying to sleep.

Right now you've done way too much damage. I don't even know what to say or do about you anymore.

I'm torn between staying in this friendship and suffering, or walking away and never looking back, showing you what it means for me not to care.

But it tears me up so much inside to walk away.
And it kills me enough to suffer this bullshit night after night.

I don't know what to do.

Love,
Jess.