The Ripped Soul

Work. Screwed up hardcore. Forgot the corn cobs for delivery, forgot to key in which sandwich bread the customer wanted when I was an order taker, mixed up 2 chicken orders, gave out wrong table numbers, had to settle table settings for 5 tables at a go..

My brain nearly wanted to die halfway through work.

And yet, inside, all I could think about was you.

There were breaks inbetween, a minute or two that I had to myself before the navi for the night threw me a plate to send out.

And in that one minute, I felt like shit.

I thought about me screwing everything up, fucking up orders, being the troublemaker for the day..

And the last straw was when my manageress shouted that I should STOP doing that, crisscrossing and interrupting work flow.

Because I was doing everything, or rather, trying to do everything. Trying to be at 5 places at once. And I failed miserably. I was screwing stuff up.

So the orders stopped and it came to the trash, and I wanted to empty it when she wanted to empty it for me.

And I took the bag and I said it's fine, and to let me do it.

She let go, stared at me and said sternly, "a jack of all trades is a master of none. remember that, jess."

And I just felt.. crestfallen and I wanted to cry.

I hated screwing the motherfuck up, I don't really like doing everything either; but I don't like to idle. And worst of all, I don't want people saying I lack the fucking initiative to work. Because when it comes to work, I can think of a gazillion things to do.

So I kept to myself after that, and when she allowed me for a break for lunch, I went away by myself and cried.

I was eating a bowl of prawn noodles and I cried. I cried because I screwed up. Because I missed you. Because I needed a support, a shoulder and I didn't have anyone and I just felt like shit.

I cried because previously, you'd be the one person who'd tell me it's okay to screw up and that we all make mistakes. It's completely fine, because people make mistakes and screw the fuck up all the damn time. Back then I could always run to you when I felt like shit if I errored at work. When I needed you, you'd be there, and I knew you would always be. I could always rely on you. Because you were my colleague, because you cared for me more than a friend, and you loved me more than a lover. But right now there's no one, and I had no one. And I cried. Even as I type this, I tear.

It tears me up so much incredibly inside that words can't even describe the pain.

Where are you when I need you, my heart screamed for an answer. And my head replied, right.. you left me last year, remember? And I cried harder. Because the brutal fact behind it all is I don't have you anymore. I cry because I need you and you're not here. You're never going to be here again. You're never going to be here EVER. Not anymore. I cried and the tears fell because I need your love so fucking badly, and I know I'm never going to feel it ever again. Not anymore.

I cry because I still love you. I still love the memory of you. I miss you so goddamn much it hurts and it tears me up so much inside that it's a struggle not to show.

But none of that matters.

Not anymore.