The Ripped Soul

rockstar- said:
hey
tried calling a couple of times
i guess your busy, or, you just don't wanna talk to me.
either way, sigh, i don't know what to say. lol.
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Oh, it tears me up..
I tried to hold on, but it hurts too much,
I tried to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay...


fuck.

Called Lyn last night and we talked till 4am. All throughout, she heard me cry all over again on the phone, and she tried to make it better, she tried to make me smile, and we talked about nonsense on the line till I stopped crying my eyes out. My eyes were bloodshot red by the time I went to bed at 5am.

Everyone around me is disappointed that I've turned to the nasty white sticks for solace, but why can't anyone understand that it's not something I wanna do, too? I said I had a choice of pills, or a smoke, and I picked the smoke. What? Would you rather I die, instead? I know the sticks are bad, but I needed it. The whiskey just didn't do anything, and I still felt like hell.

I am very broken and very torn up inside. It's extremely hard for me to put on a mask enough at work to pretend that everything is fine in my life, and to be professional enough to carry out my job for the day. To put on another mask when I'm out with my friends is another, which is why most people don't see me crying when I'm out.

But when I am home, alone, trying to sleep, I can't help but toss and turn in bed just thinking about everything that's happened. And to start missing everything that was? That fucking hurts just as worse.

And what she said hurt me incredibly, because I still care. I still miss her, and I think about her and her well being every single day. I still love her, or rather, I still love the memory of her so much. The person that she was when she was in love with me. The person that I fell in love with.

And it hurts me so much when I see her change, and she's not the person I know anymore. She's no longer the girl I fell in love with. It hurts.

She might be the same person, with the same physical appearances, but the way she treats me as a friend even, the things she expects out of me, the things she says.. it's all so different.

Previously she could make me laugh, and I knew that she'd do anything to make me smile.. even when I'm having one hell of a day, right?

And I would laugh. I would smile. And that's what I loved about her so damn much.

Right now, it doesn't even matter if I had a crap day at work, or if I'm still heartbroken about the break, or if I feel so unloved and I just want to feel love again.. she snaps at me for not calling, she picks on me for not caring, and gets unhappy at the fact that it's so hard to get my attention.

Things she says hurt me so much, and I don't know if she does it deliberately, or if it's just a slip of the tongue. And it's not just one night, but night after night after night.

I can't help but feel very broken about it, and I am trying to fix myself, but I don't even know how.

So picture me, okay? I wake up, force my body to go to work, get yelled at everyday for a different thing, I have no friends at work unlike when it was me and her back there..

Every night after work previously, she'd always text me and ask how's my day, how was work, did anything happen, or even a simple text of a "im going crazy thinking about you.." or an "i miss you" or "i love you" .. I may have had a crap of a night, but her texts and calls always made my night better. She always made something for me to look forward to.

Now I look at my phone after work, and all I see is the lamborghini car themed wallpaper flashing its lights at me.

Wherever I go, I think of her. I miss her. And it doesn't have to be the same places that we used to walk, used to go, and I still remember everything so clearly. Our memories are still so alive, and because I miss it so much, it hurts me for I know I'll never get it again.

I think about calling Joce, or calling Lyn, maybe.. but I've been doing it so much to the point where I just feel like I'm being a burden if I'm gonna call them and bitch about work, or talk about something, anything.

And worse, to call them to talk about her, and that I miss her.. if I call Joce I'll hear her get angry about it and she'll ask me why am I still thinking about her, why am I still missing her, why do I even love her at all..

And if I call Lyn, I know that she's happily attached now, and I don't mean to say that she doesn't understand what I'm going through, and I don't expect anything even, but she deserves to be happy, and that's what she is now with Mr Bug. I don't want to drown her with my depression. And to call her every single time when I'm crying, I don't want to be a bother either.

Right now I just feel like I could take my life and not give a shit. But my soul will probably wake up regretting it.

So Jasmin, forgive me for not answering your calls.

It's not that I don't want to.

I'm already so broken inside just by whatever you said that night, and saying that I don't care, when its clearly not true.

I think about you, I still do. Even right now.
My blog entries have been nothing but about you from the day we ended till now.
I still miss you so much.
I still think about you.
I still care for you.
I still need you.
I still love you.

Everyone says I need to cut you from my life entirely.

I know that.

Because I am suffering so much inside, and being this torn, this broken.. I'm not surprised if I end up taking my life one day out of the blue. I'm already on the road anyway. Alcohol, cigarettes, self-mutilation...

But I love you too much to even do that. I mean, it hurts me so much to even think about it. I don't even wanna know the damage if I really do it.

I know I have to walk away, but it's so god damn hard, and I don't wanna walk away and regret the steps I take later after.

To have you stick around, I'm suffering. And I watch myself suffer, breakdown time and again, cry my nights alone till I fall asleep.. its not pretty, and I'm unbeautiful.

My soul's been ripped once again, and I have no idea how to fix it.

but you can't play on broken strings,
you can't feel anything, that your heart don't want to feel..
i can't tell you something that ain't real
oh, the truth hurts, and lies worse!
how can i give anymore, when i love you a little less, than before?
but we're running through the fire, when there's nothing left to save..
it's like chasing the very last train, when we both know its too late...

let me hold you, for the last time..
its the last chance to feel again..