The Ripped Soul

Its 127am.

I'm still alive, yeah.. but life for me just seems meaningless. I'm messed up. Really. I'm an alcoholic, I've gone addicted to smoking and I'm trying to give it up but it's not working. I feel depressed as shit, and the tendencies pop in and out of my head every now and then. It scares me too much sometimes. Everyday is a repeated affair, a routine schedule.. wake up, work, home, shower, eat, sleep, wake up, rinse and repeat. And for 90% of the time, its forever her that's on my mind.

Sometimes customers at work can be real bitches, sometimes colleagues, sometimes work just sucks hardcore, right?

There are good days though. Good times when I get compliments from people, from customers.. it doesn't hurt to actually tell a waitress that their service is excellent or you love something about them. It actually makes their day.

I know it makes mine.

Especially when its a REALLY good looking girl and when she smiles or jokes with you, or when a handsome fella says you're good looking, starts asking where are you from.. etc

But those are just mere moments that make work pleasant.

I am grateful for it, but to come and go feeling depressed as shit, down and out, I don't know.

I've been out of town for about a week I think.. hoping maybe the trips to and fro from JB would distance my mind away from her and everything happening.. but it's all still there.

I'm still not over her, and I'm still so goddamn heartbroken.

I cry knowing that she used to be the one person who could make me smile no matter what.
I cried at the main kitchen because the head chef allowed me in the cold room to grab stuff, and the first thing that came to mind wasn't the harrassment incident, but times when both of us would get all caught up with each other in the chiller back at work..

I cry for all the beautiful memories we had, how much I miss them so.. and knowing I'll never have them again.

I cry because I tried for the last time at that jam session.. and the sight of you just killed me.

And hearing you call him darling and sweetheart just about did it. I cut myself, did the cigarette.. if I could've killed myself I probably might've.

I can't be friends with you and I know it.
I want to, but I can't.

And it sucks because I'm friends with Jeremy now and I'm asking myself why the fuck can't I be friends with you, if I can be friends with him. Why can't I be friends with you, when I was friends with Wayne and Joce even after he broke my heart and I thought my friendship with her would be over since they got together.

Why?

What makes you so different?

And why is it that when I see you, I still crave to touch you, to feel you, to kiss you, to run my fingers in your hair again..

I should be sick of you.
Done.
Through.

So why am I still missing you and crying for what I've already lost?

Why do I love you still?
Why did I even love you at all?