The Ripped Soul

When was the last time you were ever truly happy about something? When the smile on your face was because YOU were happy, not because you had to smile for someone else to be happy, not because you had to smile out of courtesy, not because you didn't want to be rude at someone's joke.. etc. When was the last time you smiled because you were happy, because you were filled with joy, because you were satisfied and contented, because you were in one of those blissful moments?

Couldn't help but wonder on that this morning at work.

When was the last time I was ever happy?

In school even.. when? Ever? Seeing Naz? Rach? Amanda?
In church? Singing and having everyone say we're awesome? Church buds saying I'm awesome? A good game of captain's ball and team saying we're damn good? Seeing everyone? Dawn? Cliff? Andrea? Ernie? Nick? Na? The kids?
All those BBQs and outings?
Getting drunk all those occasions?

When was I ever happy?

I look back and I can't even place it. I can't even find it. Can't find a single slot of time for when I was ever happy.

Maybe I'd have moments of joy, yeah.. a joke comes along, ha ha, smile and grin all around, sure. But being happy at last? Happy ever after? Nope.

I hate to admit it, but even Lyn noticed it.. the only time I was ever happy was when I was with Jasmin.

Work might've sucked.
Knowing I'd never go to the States, yeah, that sucked balls too.
Getting touched in places at work, that sucked just as hard.
Getting bullied, not having sufficient funds, working shit hours and getting shit paychecks..

Yeah, that all sucked.
But I managed to stay happy even through that period.. all because I was with her and I was so in love with her. Correction: We were so in love with each other. We might have had issues like her not wanting to be open, being afraid, being confused about what she is, about what we are, about us... and God knows I hated that so much.

But there was always something about us that made me feel warm inside, that made me feel alive, that made me happy.. happy's too simple a word to describe the feeling. But it was damn good.

I might've complained one time too many.
I might've pulled a long face too often.
I might've fought countless times.
I might've whined and nagged like a brat.

But there was that special feeling, that special something about us that made me feel full. Satisfied. Contented. Fufilled. Happy.

Sadly enough, as much as I try now, that feeling is long gone..

Not saying I'm desperate to fall in love again, desperate to be held again, to be loved again...

Lyn holds me in her arms sometimes and it isn't the same. Jem hugs me for so long and it's not the same either.

I can't place the feeling.. all I know is it's gone, I'm looking for it again, desperate to feel it again, and the desperation of it is driving me to misery.. leading to depression and sadness all over again.

I miss the love we had.
I miss being happy like I was with you.

You were my happiness.. I knew it then, I still see it now. You knew it then, too.. but you said I had to learn to be happy without you.

How do I learn to be happy without you when I was never happy at all in the first place?

when you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you...
when you're gone, the face i came to know is missing too..
when you're gone, the words i need to hear to always get me through the day, and make it okay...

i miss you.