The Ripped Soul

Has anyone watched the video for Calle Ocho yet? WATCH IT IF YOU HAVEN'T!

I so wanna go to Brazil now. Or Miami.

Hahaha.

Anyway, work's been nonsense. Don't know if it's because they've been firing too many people or too many people have been leaving, but they just asked me if I'd like a promotion to being a Second IC in Bedok.

It's. Too. Damn. Fucking. Fast.

I just joined as a part timer when? January? After CNY?

Got confirmed in March.

Was just a junior CPT until my shift in TMP where they said I would be Cpt.

3 weeks later and they say I'm going to be a no.2.

No fucking way.

I know I can work, sure.. but I'm not ready to be a no.2. I'm not ready for the weight of responsibilities, and I know while I may have SOME knowledge about the company, it doesn't mean I know EVERYTHING that a no.2 should! Even more, the knowledge and responsibilities that a manager is supposed to carry!

I'm not well equipped with ALL the knowledge on how to run the show, so how can you possibly just throw me an assistant manager's post? What if my manager goes out of town? Goes on leave? Or if she's off? And a situation occurs? I've gotta handle it, but how do I when I don't know how?

I'm not ready, and EVERY inch in my gut, KNOWS it.

I might act like a know-it-all or wanna-do-it-all sometimes, but this time I'm backing out.

I'm not gonna accept it and ruin anything only to be demoralized later.

It's too fast. Fuck.

Home's still shit. Mom locks herself in her room when I'm home, my brother and his gf fights every now and then and I have to watch it all..

Tired.

And you called the other night.. funny how I could gather all my nerves and talk to you like a normal human being.

Maybe its the job.

Smoked anyway, so it took some edge off.

You were fussing about getting my quizzes right.. getting the highest.. why do you even care?

When I put up those quizzes, I meant for everyone to fail.

When people scored high, they amazed me... like Anna, for example.

She barely knows me and I barely know her, yet she scored higher than ANY of my friends!

I read your entry.

You say I matter/mattered. Always did, always will. Funny, because if I did matter that much to you, then my feelings would've to you as well.. but you hurt me far more than ANYONE I've ever known. You hate what you did, it wasn't a game, was never a game... tried to make me hate you..

I wanted to hate you alright.
I wanted to hate you SO much. So much that I'd erase you from my memories, and forget that you were a person I'd have ever known.

I couldn't, though.
See, because whenever I think of you - I've said this before - the bad memories don't come to mind. The good ones do. And I start missing you more than ever, I start missing THAT person I fell in love with, I start missing that person from my memories. It's sad.

I deserve better, more than you.. maybe I do. But why does that matter when all I've ever wanted was you? And its not like you didn't know it too.

We were talking on the phone and you say you heard every damn thing I wasn't saying.
There were things you wanted to say too, but couldn't.

What?

To you, I have nothing else to say.. except I still miss you. Some nights I think of you, and I crave for you so badly, but all I have is myself. I hate the loneliness you've put me through, I hate all your lies, I hate all the shit you've put me through.

But do I hate you?

I believe even you know the answer to that.